BPDFamily.com

Brief background: I dated my exBPDbf after the end of my marriage to my abusive (non BPD) ex husband. The ex bf came into my life like a knight in shining armour - he was a very protective type and he really idealised me, which I think is why I was so drawn to him at that particular time. Later on he confessed that he had a history of serious violence. I couldn't stand that side of him, but he'd been to anger management therapy and didn't harm anyone while I was with him. My ex husband had a history of stalking me, and during my relationship with my ex bf, damaged my ex bf's car on one or two occasions.

Now my ex bf had a serious problem restraining himself from becoming violent towards my ex husband, and said he only stopped himself because I was so against it. When I was being split white, he would tell me I was some kind of angel in his life, helping him to be the person he'd always wanted to be, making him think of others before he acted. When I was being split black, he said I was controlling him, stopping him from acting the way he wanted to, going against his nature. On one occasion he told me that during a previous discard he had considered giving me the "gift" of harming one of my ex boyfriends - something I (perhaps wrongly) always suspected was a threat of what might happen if I left him. Anyway it was always a sticking point with him that he hadn't retaliated against my ex husband. It was like a matter of pride for him, or honour or something. He came from a background where conflicts were settled with fists.

A few weeks ago, I looked on his social media page (I know, I know... .) as he has a history of leaving veiled messages for me there. He'd added a picture from the film Clockwork Orange - the scene where Alex and his droogs are on their way to beat up a homeless man in an underpass - with the caption "Is it better for a man to choose evil than to have good imposed upon him".

At the time I just took this as another dig at me - another example of being split black and told I had controlled him and forced him to be someone he wasn't. Now today it's just occurred to me that it might be a message to me that now I'm not controlling him anymore, he feels justified in choosing evil and carrying out his previous wishes against my ex husband.

Of course it might not be a message to me at all, but it was put up there during a time when he had certainly added other messages to me. And I could be reading far too much into it.

I don't know why I'm sharing this really. I'm not asking for advice as I doubt there's any advice anyone can give. I know violence is not part of BPD, but that he happens to be a violent person who also has a disorder. I guess I just wondered if anyone else had experienced similar?

My exBPDh was violent too.  When we met I knew he had a reputation when he was younger for being a 'hard man'.  However, he didn't show this side of him for a year or so when we got together.  It was confusing really because he seemed to enjoy the reputation and in public with some people, he liked to portray the image of a tough guy, but he told me that he had learned his lesson and realised that violence was wrong and didn't get him anywhere.  He actually kept telling me to calm down and control my temper.  (projection!)

Anyway, after a year or so, he obviously could not control himself all the time.  Occasionally, when out drinking he got into fights.  He was also violent to me during arguments a couple of times.  Eventually, he was violent to my son and this ultimately led to us separating.

Since then, I have thought about this and realised that he was actually just a bully.  He only ever got physically violent with weaker people.  If there was ever any real threat to him, he didn't retatilate.  There were several occasions where he made big threats about getting even with people who had wronged him, but he didn't do anything.  He just made a big loud fuss for a while, then did nothing.  He only picked on people when he knew he could get away with it.

Perhaps violence along with other abuse is common in BPD.

If I may say so, don't be so quick to cast your concerns aside.  If you have someone with a history of violence…they're prone to violence, period.  BPDs are quite often involved in drug abuse also and a large amount of violent criminal behavior includes drug abuse as a contributing factor.  Protect yourself, and if you've been involved with two men who are both prone to violence - be prepared and get away.

Thanks both. I have to say, the above quote sounds just like my ex.

I don't think he'd be physically violent to me, but he's certainly been emotionally violent and he doesn't seem to have that "off switch" that most people have when it comes to harming others. I'm keeping my head down at the moment. Fortunately my ex husband is busy with his girlfriend who watches him like a hawk so I'm not too much on his radar. Maybe this will all go away if I hibernate for a bit... .

Don't ever think they won't be physically violent.  I thought this too - I found out the hard way that I was wrong.