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Is it possible to validate while you are split black? What about when you are the focus of the rage? If so, any ideas on how?

To validate yourself?  Or the sufferer of BPD in your life?

If you refer to the latter, I don't imagine there is a possibility of validating whilst painted black.  Nothing you say or do will even register with them. 

I agree,  

SET wont work... .

I can see you are unable of normal conversation and understand that you are bat sh1t crazy, I feel this is a regular emotion for you that you supress on a daily basis or project onto other as your doing now.  In truth, this is not my concern now batlady, please get out of my life!

BIFF is safer mate.  Ignore her stuff, focus on what you need.  

 lol lol lol Aussie JJ! If only... .

What does BIFF stand for?

Bill Eddy's BIFF Brief Informative Friendly Firm. I agree SET won't work. It took many months for my ex to cool down. It took awhile for my anger to cool down after she left. Court doesn't help - negative attention is still attention. I have started talking to her using SET, it works but her responses are sharp. I can get through with truth but depersonalizing the behavior is key as to not get triggered.

Ignore while split black focus on healing. BIFF for emails so you're covering yourself when she shows emails to her family, friends and L or judges if applicable. Whatever you send keep in mind it may get and likely will be shown to other people. It may garner sympathy and make you look worse. Look out for your needs irregardless of how you are split. I have been split black for nearly 2 years but she is nice when it's for a narcissistic need. SET I use to keep things less chaotic for the kids but it wasn't until courts were finished. I kept it business only - kids needs that it. She would try to stir the pot. I ignored.

B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.msg1311953#msg1311953)

Respond in BIFF and don't escalate  *) If she is raging - disengage. There's no way to communicate to soothe her. She needs to simmer down on her own. I wait a few hours to 24 hours if I need responding to something if she is hostile. In the hopes she's in a different mood. Her cycles change rapidly.

You are split black - you can't change her distorted belief system or defense mechanism. She has to come around on her own. I'm sorry.

I like that. Validate yourself. Believe in yourself.

The ways someone else sees us isn't who we are.

Not when they're disordered/acting out against us.

Yep.  Once we've been abused and beat up in these relationships, what we need is compassion, empathy and validation; we can get those from people who care about us, from professional help, and most powerfully for validation, from ourselves.  The ability to self-validate is a great trait, and many of us were much better at it before we went through the borderline spin cycle.  Relearning that, or learning it for the first time, is invaluable in detachment, yes, but also in our life in general, moving forward.

My ex was excellent at creating doubt, she'd ask countless questions with judgments in them, that was her go-to method, and as long as I was enmeshed and trying to "fix" everything, I fell for it a lot.  After I left her there were many, many things I'd think about that we went through together, and you know what?  I was right, I was being pure, open and honest, and she was using her tools to push, since that's where we were in the cycle.  Every time I thought through one of those situations, I got a little validation, gave it to myself, and those things build.  And once we work through all the sht of the relationship, we can start to focus forward, continuing to validate ourselves, with even more focus this time around.  And then when we do get external validation from someone who's sincere, it just adds to the pile, that pile of feel-good that becomes the life of our dreams, by our own design.  It's a brand new world... .

Thanks you all, this is so helpful. I'll go with BIFF-- I've been engaging too much I think, when BIFF would have been much better.