BPDFamily.com

Hello,

So I have a bit of a communication problem with my parents.  My mother has strong BPD traits, and recently I have set up boundaries within my family.  I live in a different town than my parents, so a lot of our communication is via email, and actually my mother NEVER calls me anymore.  In fact if there is ever any family business it will be my father who calls probably at my mother's prompting.  I can tell that my father calls of his own accord when he simply is calling to see how I'm doing (generally when my mom is out of town), rather than trying to obtain some kind of information from me. 

Anyway, my parents share an email account, although they each have an address for their own name.  So I can write an email addressed to my dad with an email account under his name, but it will land in the shared account so my mom will read it too.  Recently, (in fact ever since I started establishing boundaries), I will respond to an email sent by my mom, and address it to her, but it will be my dad who answers, and sometimes when I address an email to my dad, it will instead be my mother who answers.  I find it really strange  and a bit of a mind f$#k.  It's kind of like they've fused into a single person... .and I am no longer having a relationship with one or the other, but both at once... .  Perhaps I shouldn't make a big deal out of this, but generally, I have a conflictual relationship with my mother and a smooth one with my dad.  I tend to be able to discuss my life a lot more with my dad, whereas my mother will generally gripe about how difficult things are for her, or create some kind of drama, or triangulate with my sister.  I'd like to be able to maintain a pleasant relationship with my Dad, but this email stuff makes it very strange.  It's like writing to one person, and someone else responds instead, even though your message was specifically addressed to one person.   

Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to stir anything up either, and I'm not sure if I should even object to this.  It just all feels a little weird.  Sorry if it sounds confusing... .but I feel confused myself.

What a confusing situation! The attachment aspect of BPD here seems to be at play, with the fusion of identities, or at the very least, lack of personal boundaries. I imagine that's their business if it works for your parents, but I can see how it must be very frustrating for you.

Is it possible to talk to your dad "offline" and ask him if he would be willing to communicate with you using an alternate email address? Keep in mind that he might tell your mother this, but it seems like you are not wanting to communicate as you are anymore. Could you incorporate SET into a conversation with your dad?

(cross posted)

I can understand how that seems strange. Does it bother you enough that you would like to stop emailing them? Because it's ultimately up to them how they manage their relationship, including their email accounts.

Hi, thanks for your messages. I don't want to stop emailing with them.  It's actually the main form of communication I have with my parents at the moment.  When my father does email me he sends me a lot of detailed information about what he's doing, etc.  As I mentioned, my mother will not call me anymore, and emails me, although rarely.  I think the wiser thing to do is to speak to my dad offline about it and just let him know that I would appreciate if he could keep the email chains separate from those I have with my mother, because I find it very confusing.  Yes, the more I erect boundaries, the stranger my mother's behavior seems to get.   I'm starting to get motivated to be nice to her actually, because I kind of feel sorry for her... .oh well.