BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I have a questions, I walk on eggshells all the time to avoid present moods or potential triggers for moods with my BPD gf.

However If I'm having a bad day and walk in the door with a glum look on my face (just from a hard day) I'm picked out and made to feel I'm being selfish or worse Im reprimanded for having a look on my face my BPD gf does not approve of.

Any ideas?

It's tough isn't it?

A normal person would respond to your glum look after hard day at work with,

"what's wrong?" "is everything ok?" "come sit down, i'll make you some tea"

"let's go do something fun to cheer you up" etc

your partner would put you through hell when she has had a bad day at work, and it

usually spirals out of control, into something much larger, hours of fighting, arguing... .

but no, you, yourself are not allowed to be glum in the presence of your partner.

I was caught off guard so many times, having no clue what went wrong entire evening,

only to find out, it was because I didn't smile at first, didn't like the look on my face.

I have no advice for you, sadly, but I will say this, don't try and explain yourself...

Just validate their observation of you, and acknowledge, oh! was I glum looking? I had such a

rough day at work, but I am so happy to see you, and maybe just give a hug.

Thanks NeedHelpPls

Is it because we don't fit there expectation, or is it to do with showing weakness... .

My BPD gf hates weakness, sometimes I feel she thinks if he's weak he won't be able to give me my "supply" of attention

I am not sure, every person is different. It could be their general hyper-sensitivity to other people's emotions, so you looking glum, when it has nothing to do with them, might be perceived as something directed at them? Also, they look to you, and rely on you to be the the rock who never falters, no matter what they throw at you.

Thank you I think your stamens of :

"they look to you, and rely on you to be the the rock who never falters, no matter what they throw at you"

Rings very true... .

Thank you again!

pwBPD are acutely tuned into the facial expressions of others.  They also tend to interpret neutral expressions as negative.  There have even been scientific studies to show this.  In the case of my fiancé, I think it developed as a defense mechanism.  I think at a very young age she had to pay close attention to her abusive mother's facial expressions in order to protect herself.  And for me, that means her constantly looking at my face and her asking me if I am mad at her, angry, etc.  The reality is, she doesn't understand emotion like you or I do, so she is always looking for clues as to what others are feeling.  

And that means I try to force a smile more often.  It also means if I am having a bad day, I try and find comfort and validation elsewhere rather than take it home. If I take it home, I know I won't get the comfort I want.  

Hi Flora73,

First of all:  

We all know how difficult it is to get home from a bad day of work, in need of a little support from your SO, and then getting more rage and negativity on top of that. It really is hard to deal with it.


It's good you realize you're walking on eggshells  |iiii, self reflection is always the way out! However, things will start to change when you stop doing this  :). The moment you adapt your behaviour in fear of someone else's response, you start to loose yourself and become reactive.

A few things are important here.

1) Radical acceptance. Your partner is stressed out because you are, and probably will not be able to be there for you. If you don't accept this for now, it will cause you more suffering. However, acceptance does not mean you accept the behaviour forever. You accept each moment as if it were perfect - always striving for a better future.

2) Taking care of yourself. It's really important to have your own support system in place. Do you have any friends or family that you can give a call? Are there other ways to soothe yourself?

3) Boundaries. Think of how you want to react to her when she's getting into a rage when you're feeling bad. What could you do to stop making it worse? My personal boundary is that if I get home and my dBPDbf (diagnosed BPD boyfriend) is unable to be there for me, or get's mad at me, I try to "detach with love". I don't resent him for not being there for me (radical acceptance  ), but I remove myself from the room. I start cooking, or take a shower. I'll state "I have had a rough day at work. I am going to... " and put the focus on myself, not on him. It's the same when you're in a plane: first you get your own oxygen mask, then you start helping (or responding to) others.[/li][/list]

Have you started walking through the Lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206)? They help to structure all the info on this website  |iiii

Yeah, that's easy except when any time away from my uBPDw is viewed as choosing something else over her... .

Yep, I get that too.  And it that complicates things.  I'm not sure if I get this to the extreme you do, but for awhile she seemed to want to spend 24/7 with me, and took a jealous or hurt attitude towards me doing anything else without her.  That's where I use my being at work to help recharge me, make excuses to go to the hardware store, use my cell phone to keep in contact with friends during the times when she is extra needy.  So, I may call my brother on my lunch break if I am having a bad day, rather than come home and bring my troubles to her. 

It is tough, sometimes it feels like a zero-sum game. That's why it's important to learn how to self-soothe. Many of us have not been taught how to calmly soothe ourselves when we are feeling down. We need others to soothe the pain for us (somewhat like our pwBPD's). Putting energy in learning how to calm yourself down, how to soothe your own mood, is really worth the effort.

For me personally, getting a shower always helps. Listening to music (I even created a specific playlist for these times). And cooking, cooking helps to take away the tension in the room  :).

I think this is why I have been able to survive in this relationship as long as I have - because I really don't need her for emotional comfort.  I lived by myself for nearly 20 years, was single for the large majority of that time, figuring out who I was, what I liked, and how to take care of myself and my own emotional needs.  Without that experience, I would bee doomed right now.  So, I'm used to going for a walk alone, turning a wrench on my car, or getting involved in a creative project to help me get through rough times.  Now is no different.  If I'm feeling blue about whatever, I know how to handle it.  My biggest issue is that if she can't be there for me emotionally, then I need space to be able to deal with it on my own, and sometimes getting that space is difficult.  For instance, I was sick last week, and generally feeling down about many things.  Yet with her neediness, it's not been easy to find time for myself.  I actually am considering taking Friday off from work while she is at work just for some me time.

I am interested in following this.

I get badgered about my moods quite a bit. I can be standing in the kitchen doing dishes and daydreaming and not really thinking about anything and my spouse will come in and question me about what I am thinking. Most of the time, I am just doing my thing not really thinking at all. One day he said, "You were smiling like you were thinking about something. What was it?" I had no idea. I didn't even realize that I had been smiling. I don't feel like I can ever be alone with my thoughts. It seems that he goes between completely ignoring me or questioning my every mood.

I try to stay as neutral as possible. I feel like I have become numb and try to monitor myself to keep from reacting to anything. When he is around, I tend to hide in my computer and not really show any emotion. If I laugh, he wants to know what it is that I am laughing about. No matter what emotion I have, he wants an explanation.

Its a shame in the fact that everything always seems to lead back to there needs... .

My BPDgf is strong and independent, but behind it all is "nothing" hollow... .needs me to fill something but I never can fill it with the right content... .