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I am still on this board daily, reading, learning, trying to heal. I haven't posted much lately, but I am still very much mentally involved with the ex bf and his BPD/NPD.

Why can't I let it be? I haven't had any meaningful contact with him in 2 months. I know it will never work, I am worth so much more than being in an abusive relationship/recycle with him. And I believe he even knows it too. Which is why he doesn't even have the guts to attempt a recycle right now. Other than checking in to see if I am still around.

I keep myself busy, see my T, meet friends, exercise a lot, try to meditate and work on finding self-love and self-esteem within myself. But I still can't detach. I am just so tired of always thinking of him, I just want to move on already.

Sorry, just venting. I am so grateful to have this place to come to.

I know this feeling.  After 5 weeks of NC we texted last night.  It was both wonderful and tragic.  Great to be in contact with the lady I love.  Tragic that I know it is only temporary since she is in a relationship with someone else and this illness makes it impossible for us.  I wish there was a cure for this condition of the mind. I can't be angry anymore.  It is what it is. Everything changes.  This nightmare will pass in time.

You are doing all the right things, honestly, you will get past this... .it takes time. For me, it was when I was, well, sick and tired of me that I let myself lean into the pain and push to the other side... .it wasn't exactly a pretty process 

Have you tried a new project, goal or volunteer?  Learning or doing a new thing can take focus off, even if that focus is only muted, it is something.

Keep doing the things you are doing - when you look back (and feel better) it is during "doing" the hard that you realize how strong you are, how worthy you really are and who you are.

Peace,

SB

Oh amigo, you are so in the right place coming here with your thoughts. The thing with these r/s is they are so INTENSE and then they end. There is very little in between. And no closure. The pBPD seduces you so heavily, idolizes you so completely, and assess your most inner vulnerabilities. They come into your life and isolate you from everything satisfying that you've known before by filling up all that space with their presence, their essence, their intensity, their need.

Then, out of no where they devalue you. They take those very vulnerabilities and  exploit them by becoming everything they worked so hard to convince you they were not. And never could be. They change course rapidly. For no reason that makes any logical sense.  And we are left on the emotional rollercoaster of our lives as we are in love with this person, isolated from other fulfillments which we have known before, stunned, confused, deeply hurt, dumped. Allowed NO closure. And still have only love for this very person who is moving on at rapid speed. Who has no use for you. Only devaluation.  While leaving you barely standing on your own, with your vulnerabilities that have the flesh torn off them, open to the wind. 

And then they add more hurt and confusion with recycle attempts or as I view them, need supply checks. Which get worse every time you go back for me and are more brutal to your self esteem and healing. Bc idolization NEVER returns. These hurtful manipulations are now the norm. For as long as you stay on the ride.

In a more balanced r/s two ppl come to terms with the r/s ending, if it must. Nothing about the BPD r/s is balanced, or healthy. But, it takes us until this point to understand it. We are too blinded and preoccupied with trying to stay on the roller coaster ride to even see a thing logical.

We on this side now have to do all the work on our own. To recover much. And that takes time. Bc you are truly withdrawing from the most intense emotional ambush of your life.

So be gentle with yourself my amigo. It took me so long to not be so obsessed with him in my every thought. I still struggle when I see him. It brings up the feelings that were present right when he abruptly left me. With no closure.  And subsequent emotional trauma.  So I try to avoid any such trigger which takes effort on my part but ultimately allows me to detach more and more and more.

I am at a point where I truly know the man I was in love with was not the real man. The man I know, you know, is the real man. The very disordered... .real man. When you accept that, you detach further. This is who they are. The disorder ALWAYS wins.

I understand the disorder and how he may have acquired it.  I understand the reasons why I was attracted to this man and vise versa. And I understand what I must do to assure this type of interaction, or any that are unhealthy, could happen again.

In the end, I did truly love him. As a human, disordered or not.  I know, bc this was real and genuine for me, its a grieving process.

But, I want to detach fully and I want to give the disorder and all it's taken of me back now. 

I hope the same for you amigo   Bc I think you are amazing!

Dear SB and Caredverymuch,

thank you so much for your support. It brings tears to my eyes to know that someone understands and cares. I will continue the good fight (for my self). Having written this and gotten your responses makes me feel a little less sick.

Thank you Mrconfused as well. You are right, this nightmare will pass.

I hug all three of you.

Yes... .it isn't easy... but you are doing what you need to do!  Bravo.  Just keep it up... .it takes time. Part of it, I think is... when you really let go... something that meant so much to you is really GONE.  I know I think I still hold on to a little piece of the fantasy  :'(... .but it just was NOT what I thought it was... or it would be in my life and working.

It is also really cool that you came here and shared exactly where you are at today. Honestly.  That in itself is healing. We get you... .

Think of it this way... .you are healing and growing and when the egg is ready to hatch you can attract someone that you deserve.

If we rush it ... .we make a mess for us and someone else!  I wish you well on this beautiful day.   You actually sound quite GREAT for the amount of time out. Truly! Keep up the NC and move down the highway. |iiii

Thank you Infared,

I makes all the difference to know that you guys "get me".

Yes, I continue to work on healing and growning. And on keeping the egg in the incubator  that's another challenge, not to run to the next "thing" in an effort to get over the trauma, a little bit of a pattern I have had in the past.

So now I am truly trying to be by myself. And that is new and difficult too.

I value everyones input here so much. THANK YOU!

Amigo, I read this comment in the thread "things you tell yourself to detach".  It really hits the nail on the head doesn't it:

I MISS THE ILLUSION OF WHAT I HOPED THE RELATIONSHIP COULD BE... .BUT NOT THE REALITY OF WHAT IT WAS. 

You know what my amigo, and to all my BPD family friends, no one should miss being devalued. Hurt.  Discarded. Disrespected. Unseen.  Lied to.  Cheated on.  Mocked with smear campaigns.  And taken advantage of.  And being reeled back in and thrown back out. Over. And over. And over again.  While more and more of your very goodness is taken each time. 

Remember that when you are missing.  And remember this: you are far more valuable, far more cherished, far more reflective, far more committed, far more caring in every way.  And you know how to give AND receive real love. What a gift that is.

And one day when the time is right.  You will find that person who truly desreves you.  But, until then.  YOU DESERVE YOU.  AND MUCH BETTER.

One thing that really helped me was the 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck... .when I could identify which one "had" me, I was able to let go a little bit more as I focused on the facts, not on the myth.

I literally printed this out and carried it around my first 6 months.

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your “BPD” partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your “BPD” partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you. It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of the disorder. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviors; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing. The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either. This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking. Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship. As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time. The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... .we will be heard. People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging. When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides. And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment.said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback. This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our “BPD” partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed how special we were and how incredible the relationship was. Absence may makes the heart grow fonder when a relationship is healthy – but this is often not the case when the relationship is breaking down. People with BPD traits often have object permanence issues – “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the “BPD” partner (as described in #4). Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

 

Because you're still getting something out of it.  Letting go of hope for the relationship to measure up to your fantasy of it, or of what it once was, is very painful, so holding some hope lets you avoid the pain of letting go entirely.  Choosing short term pain for long term gain is an option that requires resolve and discipline; are you up for it?


It can be more empowering to, instead of working on finding, create self-love and self-esteem.  It's there a time in your life when you had good self-love and self-esteem?  What did you think about yourself at that time?  What did you focus on?  What were your priorities?  No really, tell us... .

Thank you again Caredverymuch. Your value statements help me again and again. And btw I think you are amazing too 

Thank you SB for reminding me of the 10 false beliefs, especially the part about focusing on the one that "has me" at the moment. I kind of stopped reading them, because I felt most of this "doesn't apply anymore", I thought I understood. But yes, there are definitely things I am still stuck on, and it helped to reread them.

Finally, thank you fromheeltoheal.


This is a tough one. Creating self-love and self esteem, rather than trying to find it. How do you create it? I guess working on not being abused again is a start.

Have I had a time in my life when I possessed those things? Partially. But I do have FOO issues that I know are tied to my lack of self love and self esteem. Alcoholic, verbally abusive father, busy, critical mother etc.

The irony is that I have lifted myself out of the gutter and went on to great academic and professional achievement.  I started a new life on a new continent as a teenager, by myself. I used to work in the entertainment industry, but decided to go back to school and start all over. Now, I am financially independent. I have no trouble meeting men. I have good, caring friends and am on good terms with my family. And I have had several long-term relationships with NON PD men. I guess that should give me many reasons to possess self-love and -esteem. And yet, clearly I am lacking those things, or else I would not have allowed the relationship with the BPDex go as far as it did.

The idea is to spend the time on your life. Embrace you... .try new things, explore, find out what you like and are good at... on your own, get centered, get to know you and love you... make new friends, find new places... .eventually you heal, you grow and you attract someone doing the same!  That way you become independent, can get into a relationship with some one healthy where the two of you share EACH of your live in an interdependent way... .not co-dependent. It's never perfect... .but relationships have a better chance that way.

I came to the same conclusion, easy to do when we are emotionally enmeshed with someone as they start to devalue us, subtly so we don't really notice at first, and trying to overpower it with our optimism and drive to get back to the good.  But it continues, unrelenting, confusing, impossible.  What if we reframe it as we were with disturbed people who do not play by the same rules, we were duped by con artists, who con for their own reasons, their own self preservation, granted, but conned nonetheless, by someone who is expert at sinking hooks in our pysche, they have to be, they won't survive otherwise, in their own heads.  We can cut ourselves some slack for not knowing about mental illnesses, assuming everyone has a good heart at their core, trusting people at face value initially.

As I've detached, I've replayed countless interactions with her, and come to believe that my motives were pure, my head and heart were in the right place, and she was wrong about me every time; those realizations have been very validating, and self-validation is something we need badly.  I was giving my all to someone who couldn't reciprocate, and it was dangerous to my mental health to stay and try.  But that doesn't mean I wasn't on the right path, it doesn't mean I can't keep those traits, and it doesn't mean I don't love and value myself and hold myself in good esteem, it just means I picked the wrong girl.  Live and learn; it won't happen again.  I, like you, have achieved lots of success, I'm proud of it, and it's also possible to be very competent in some areas and less so in others.  Realizing that just illuminates a need for growth in other areas, and doesn't mean I have low self-love or -esteem.  There's a few reframes, use as needed, and take care of you!

Amigo, you are working hard now. These are the questions your t can help you understand.

I, too, have no idea on how to really DEEPLY find self love and self esteem, without outside appreciation.  I guess I always felt I had it and really had not noticed the deficit that was clearly there. Prior to the BPD interaction, life was satisfactory enough that I never even had to deep deeper. I know now why he found me vulnerable and ripe.

I am taking this as a good by product of that experience. I hope you do too, strong, admirable, intelligent, and valued amigo!

Amigo, you have recieved lots of sound feedback from people here!

With time, hopefully you will think of this person less, but don't beat yourself up for it.  I think it is normal to think about someone who you felt and were deeply connected with, especially if your feeling and intentions were sincere.  It is because you have what I assume to be compassion, empathy, sympathy, remorse, etc... .Feelings, and emotions for someone who you thought would return the same things.

Take things like you, you are on the track with the work your doing and keeping yourself, you may not ever forget this person, and I think that is fine, because we shouldn't let someone change who are in how we give love and affection to others, just be more aware if someone doesn't value you and what you have to offer.

keep up the good work!

That is axactly how I have dealt with my decision to leave almost 8 months ago. But I too still find myself consumed with "what it could have been" but constantly remind myself of what it was. When I decided to leave I took the BPD advice and text him that I needed a break from the relationship. Then blocked his phone number face book and emails. He reached out twice the final time 45 min prior to announcing on Facebook that he was in a relationship. He found another victim. Two weeks later I did email him because he still had my passport. I ask him to give it to a mutual friend. He immediately attempted to hold it hostage for this or that, then wanted to know if I wanted to get items from his home that he still had, then he wanted some wine back that he had left at my house. Then he accused me of never inviting my friends to his home? Due to his poor social behavior and his past poor social reputation my friends wouldn't accept invitations. Ex BPD and his 25 year old BPD daughter had reared their ugly head towards a few of my friends and barely my older children felt comfortable around him. But I declined to get into that. iT was yet another CONFiRMATION that he was one in the same. A second validation was after the email exchange, 30 min later the BPD daughter text me and demanded I return something that I took from the home. False. I didn't respond and blocked her phone number too.  Hahaha. Curt and rude statement!  BINGO! A BOLD reminder of WHAT it was and will never be.

I could have written your OP myself. I'm nearly three months in and I am SICK of thinking about him. Constant ruminations, from the moment I awake to the moment I go to bed. Even in my dreams. It doesn't even hurt as much as it used to - the sharp pain has mostly been replaced by a dull ache - but I often think that if I could just stop thinking about it the whole time I'd be fine. Sometimes my head physically aches from all the thinking.

Is it just habit now? I do think that there's some pain in letting go, but I'm not sure why. There's pain in holding on too, and I've been alone and fine for three months now. Clearly I don't need him, but my mind is hanging on, keeping it alive. I bet it's not this way for him. It's maddening.

Was great to read your post and all the responses. It's slowly sinking in for me that my relationship really is over and as time goes on I'm struggling more with that. I've gone from - great I can do this to thinking about him more and more and can't seem to give myself a break from him mentally. I know that the relationship is over and is a good healthy thing for me, but my brain and emotions can't let him go. I've got to give my brain a break but I don't seem to be able to. It's so hard and so exhausting and so gut wrenching and I am so sick of it!

This is a real problem for me too.  I actually think of him more often now than when were together!

I find that keeping busy helps.  When my mind is occupied by other things it can't wander back to him.

Thank you everyone for your input! I feel a little bit less sick today because of it.

Caredverymuch, I am trying to see it the way you do: I thought life was fine, but the exBPD made me dig deeper and elucidated the issues that are obviously still there.

Yes, fromheeltoheal, I will cut myself some slack for not recognizing the mental illness, even though I saw lots of read flags, but that's ok too.

The bottom line, like many of you point out is that we loved and got conned and now need to reframe the memory and idea of what the relationship really was. Coming here daily is an invaluable tool in getting there.

I am so deeply grateful for this BPD family!