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Title: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: ColdEthyl on August 20, 2014, 02:36:18 PM After reading a bit more material... .it's blindingly obvious I am co-dependent. Now that I can admit that, (I guess I always knew, just didn't want to admit it) how can I tell which actions are co-dependency, and which one are just validation for my dBPDh?
IE... .in my want to not start a fight, instead of saying how I feel about something, I just agree with him, or ask him questions about it. Is this co-dependency, or validation? Does anyone have any other good resources about this topic? Boy oh boy... .do I have a lot of work to do on me... . Title: Re: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: Rapt Reader on August 20, 2014, 02:45:06 PM Does anyone have any other good resources about this topic? Boy oh boy... .do I have a lot of work to do on me... . Yup :) This book: Codependent No More - Melody Beattie (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56458.0;all) And this Article: Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships) Both have saved my marriage, and also my relationships with my BPD loved ones *) Don't feel bad about it; it is something most of us on this site need to understand and deal with, no doubt. Realizing that it could be an issue for you is half the battle to overcoming it... . Title: Re: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: ColdEthyl on August 20, 2014, 02:54:23 PM Thank you so much!
Does anyone have any other good resources about this topic? Boy oh boy... .do I have a lot of work to do on me... . Yup :) This book: Codependent No More - Melody Beattie (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56458.0;all) And this Article: Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships) Both have saved my marriage, and also my relationships with my BPD loved ones *) Don't feel bad about it; it is something most of us on this site need to understand and deal with, no doubt. Realizing that it could be an issue for you is half the battle to overcoming it... . Title: Re: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: takingandsending on August 20, 2014, 04:25:01 PM Rapt Reader,
I struggle mightily with Article 13, having read it on two different occasions. Is it possible that enabling is a common symptom in relation to BPD because it is what pwBPD demand? I know that the seeds of my enabling behaviors were germinated when I was a child living with a mother that was either BPD or had BPD traits. Still, I had healed a lot of that with my family. The article paints a very one sided picture, which, in my experience with enabling, it is not. When people in your life talk about suicide, you can't ignore them. I wonder just how many people on this earth are not codependent. We are interdependent, and how the lines get drawn is still unclear to me. Title: Re: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: MissyM on August 20, 2014, 04:42:35 PM There are a lot of great books for codependency. Are you going to a support group or therapy? I am codependent, I had the tendencies before I married my husband but I never was a care taker in a relationship like I have been in this one. I do agree that my dBPDh insisted that I play the role of caretaker, my codependency was in giving into that. I don't want to be married to my child and he doesn't want to be married to his mother, so it was a bad dynamic for both of us. As we both recovery it is a different balance when dealing with BPD. Since I have to be supportive and understanding without falling into codependency. My friends that are just dealing with addiction don't have to be nearly as supportive as I do but I am beginning to accept that and not be angry about it.
Title: Re: How do I decipher what actions I do our Co-dependent actions Post by: Rapt Reader on August 20, 2014, 05:24:07 PM Is it possible that enabling is a common symptom in relation to BPD because it is what pwBPD demand? I know that the seeds of my enabling behaviors were germinated when I was a child living with a mother that was either BPD or had BPD traits. Still, I had healed a lot of that with my family. The article paints a very one sided picture, which, in my experience with enabling, it is not. When people in your life talk about suicide, you can't ignore them. I wonder just how many people on this earth are not codependent. We are interdependent, and how the lines get drawn is still unclear to me. I very much agree that when a family member is suicidal, we need to do what we can to help... .My own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD about 18 months ago, and that diagnosis was triggered by an intense Suicidal Ideation that landed him in the Psych Ward of our local Hospital, then admission to a Dual Diagnosis Program where he got the BPD diagnosis. And you are very right; we are interdependent, and caring and loving someone in distress is really the right thing to do... . For more information regarding enabling check this out: SELF-AWARE: Are we supporting or enabling? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0) What is the difference between being "supportive" and being "enabling" Being supportive is doing something for someone else that they are unable to do for themselves. Ex. picking up the kids from daycare because your partner is stuck in traffic. Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves. Ex. calling in sick for them, doing more than your fair share of chores. When we enable people (addicts, children, friends or family) we prevent them from experiencing the consequences of their own actions. We are also preventing them from realizing they have a problem and depriving them of fully reaching their own potential. Our efforts to help them wind up contributing to them staying sick and dependent on us. The relationship gets worse as both people respond in more and more unhealthy behavior. Over time the enabler (us rescuer nons) become resentful and angry over how much we wind up helping others. We lose site of how to break the cycle of “helping others”. Also, the “help” provided to others (especially those lacking the motivation and determination to stand on their own two feet), can become a long-term expectation and even an outright demand, where the other person now expects us to "do" everything thing for them. They essentially play the helpless needy victim while we portray ourselves as the self sacrificing martyr. So why do so many of us engage in enabling behavior? * Because we confuse helping someone with doing it for them. * Because we are pressured and manipulated into believing that we should do things for others. * Because we fear the consequences if we don’t do things for them. * Because we base our self esteem on helping others. We tend to want to rescue and protect our loved ones from experiencing any pain or getting angry with us or pull away from us. I think this Workshop will explain the lines between enabling and being supportive better for you... .Codependence does sometimes involve enabling, but is also different in that it is about "hamster wheel" of our relationship dynamics that keeps us going over and over the same situations and arguments and entanglements with our loved one, so that nothing changes for the better. The book mentioned above ("Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie) explains that dynamic really well. Here's another link, this one about Codependency: Mental Health America: Co-dependency (http://www.http:www.nmha.org/go/codependency). See if that helps, too... . |