BPDFamily.com

Hi Family,

Curious about something here. Was your ex a "Creature of Habit"?  Did he / she have to do things a certain way and / or at a certain time?  Were they really rigid with this? Almost obsessive?

My ex had / has the same routine. Been doing things the same way for YEARS with no deviation. Getting involved with me being the exception. 

He also checks out my FB page roughly every two weeks - does some "self-soothing" when he sees something on there that causes him to react. This has been going on for close to two years now. Like clockwork.

Anybody else experience habitual / obsessive behaviors from their ex?  Thx!   

Yes Lipstick, my husband is a creature of habit to the point that I have sometimes referred to him as an unaware robot.  The crazy thing is that he doesn't do things based on need and he doesn't alter his repetitive behaviors when the conditions change.  Nothing is logical or reasonable.  He also gets very defensive and angry with me when I question why he's doing something that doesn't make any sense. 

I remember last year, after we got a new woodstove, he kept putting the papers and things in the same place in our living room as always even though the new woodstove was situated differently.  When I attempted to move the flammable materials away from the stove, he got very angry at me and demanded to know what I had against paper, why I hated paper and why I had to have everything done MY way and never allow him to have an opinion. 

It's too many experiences like that , that have worn me down and caused so much depression and trauma.   

Hi Leaving,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I've often wondered if the reason behind their rigidity is fear of change? Like - if their routines / habits deviate from what they know - it will cause them to panic?

Mine (after he dumped me) went right back to his old life (which he never really left) and picked up right where he left off. Back to the same old, same old. I couldn't do that. I had to start completely over. I couldn't just go back to my old life. Too much had changed. He went back and never missed a beat ! 

I can see where your spouse's behavior would eventually wear a person down to the point of giving up. They seem to latch onto habits / routines as if they're some sort of "lifeline".  I know as human beings we're all basically creatures of habit - but my ex hasn't really deviated from his own for about 25 years !  Yeesh.

Lipstick, yes. This is extremely common. They need structure and routine to keep them feeling safe from abandonment. My expBPD did the same down to the que. Exceptions throw them off balance and act as a trigger.

Yes, personality disorder symptoms are often comorbid.  So BPD and OCD symptoms can be found together for the same person.

But so many of us on this side of the board have our own OCD issues.  The codependency. The stalking.  The rumination.  The fact that we know after year what our exes are still doing wrt to our facebook account.  The fact that we can't let go.  How we go over and over in our heads events and conversations about a person who really can't even remember who we are anymore. 

My OCD traits were a big part of the reason me my ex cycled down into such a toxic interaction.  I couldn't stop being with her, fighting with her, having drama with her, destroying each other.

I'd also consider myself a creature of habit, in many ways. Eventually settling in to who I am, how I feel more comfortable, and so on. My ex, and pwBPD in general, seem to be creatures of habit where one of the more impulsive habits is to flip at a moment's notice/do the exact opposite of what they have been and what is probably beneficial. Then switch back, but the damage is already done. Layers and layers of that, all through their lives. Making the same mistakes instead of learning the lessons. Bad habit to have.

Absolutely. ... he doesn't work Fridays after 1 pm - time to start partying.  Never consider doing any work related to career on weekend - that is sinful.  Done working each day by 3 pm. Date chicks in alternate supply on Wednesday.  Everything else squeezes wherever it can 

My exBPDbf described HIMSELF as  EXACTLY that... ."creature of habit"... .word for word.  And he was... .right down to the moment he allowed himself to be solicited by his long term, Hystrionic Personality exgf, and re-engaging in all of the toxic dysfunction with her, that he said he was done with.  Over and over again... .Talk about a bad habit!

Very much so. Not sure how it goes when in a r/s with someone besides me, but during a period when he was not dating and was close to me, my ex displayed rigid patterned behavior, same every day. It gave him a sense of calm and control. He is near the edge of panic much of the time in his life ... .He uses these coping strategies to keep going. :/

Every human is a creature of habit but we should distinguish between pathological/neurological/neurotic habits and typical human behavior.  The average person will be aware, at some point, that they are just doing what they always did because it's easier than changing things up but when they need to, they will.  It's also common for people who live in abusive or traumatic conditions to naturally want to create a stress free environment for themselves by keeping things simple so they develop habits that support a less stressful schedule or environment.  I've lived this way for years.  The difference though- between my BPD husband and myself_ is that I'm a reasonable person who will adjust my habits and plans based on changes in my environment or current circumstances/conditions.  My husband does not change anything based on any logical need to adapt.  For example, If he decides that he is going to mow the lawn on Sunday and I happen to fall and break my foot on Sunday, my husband will not stop and help me because he has to do the lawn first. Another more common example:  We get new windows that open with a different latch than the previous version.  Instead of assessing the difference and acknowledging it, he attempts to open them the same way and breaks two windows doing so.  YES TWO! ( if breaking one wasn't enough of a warning   ) and then gets angry and blames the window manufacturer for making such shoddy windows and then he blames me for having to get new windows that week, then blames me for not being happy with the old windows, then blames the other window company for making shoddy windows that had to be replaced.

A couple of years ago, our neighbors cut down all the trees in their back yard which resulted in our shade gardens being blasted with full sun.  Obviously, the plants were struggling and I wanted to move them to a shady spot on the property.  My husband, a horticulturalist, raged at me, accused me of hating those plants, wanted to know what I had against them, wanted to know why I had to have everything my way and accused me of never wanting to hear his opinion.  When I asked him what we should do, he had no response other than, ' FINE, we'll do it YOUR way'.   At that point, I just walked away, crying and came inside as usual.  I hate when the neighbors see him behaving like that  Three weeks later, all my plants were dead and my husband, instead of apologizing and making some attempt to rectify his mistake, blamed the neighbors and accused them for being tree-haters and he also blamed me for making the shade garden 15 years earlier.  If I had not had the shade garden, then there wouldn't have been a problem. Right? If G-d hadn't planted those trees 75 years ago... .If the neighbors had never been born... .If we had never moved into this house... .If it never rained, the trees wouldn't have grown... .etc... . 

And yes Lipstick, they are chameleons that appear to lack any integrity because their opinions are not formed from any real, authentic value system.  My husband volunteers for environmental groups, gets write ups in the newspaper, watches documentaries about declining species and environmental destruction, etc...   but he's the most wasteful, destructive, polluting human being I've ever known in my life and get this... I AM a Biologist/conservationist!  When I try to encourage him to be more mindful of his consumption and behavior, he says, ' I never claimed to be an environmentalist".  Being the person that I am in re: to conservation, it's extremely shameful for me to live with a man who wantonly destroys so much of our environment just because he's got to do things HIS way in that moment without any realistic basis for his actions.  I never know which man I'm going to be engaging with at any given moment.  It's like he has multiple personality disorder.  If he tells me that he wants a fly fishing rod for Christmas, I'll spend months researching and saving for the best rod to get him.  When Christmas rolls around and he gets his gift, he acts annoyed and tells me that he really wanted a new bike.  This could explain why when he buys something for himself one day, that it just sits in the corner, getting dusty. Yet, if I suggest that he donate it or give it to someone who could benefit from it, he gets angry and accuses me of hating fishing poles or whatever the thing was and how I don't want him to have anything for himself.

I don't know how any of us manage to survive the insane dialogue that we do every day.  Am I a saint or an idiot or am I insane?

Sadly, I have compassion for him in knowing that he is sick but in reality, living with this type of person jeopardizes our personal health, safety, financial security, mental acuity and more.  I am leaving for those reasons but I'm also at rock bottom because I stayed too long and have suffered the dire consequences.

Hi Leaving,

I'm so sorry that you have been living with this. I'm happy that you are going to be changing this situation. How heart-wrenching it must be!  I cannot imagine.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. It is much appreciated!   

YES! It would sometimes drive me nuts. He would have a phone call to make which could be done there and then but because he'd planned in his head to do it at 2pm on Tuesday it would have to be then. Or we would be passing a bank and I'd say "shall we go and transfer that money now?" and he'd refuse because he'd decided the day he wanted to do it.

He would accuse me of being useless with money because I didn't know exactly what went out each day and wasn't sure exactly how much money I had in the bank at any one time. With 2 kids, bills coming out left right and centre and a mortgage to pay that's impossible!

Thanks for reminding me of another thing that I found infuriating :-)

Sure. There was a tidal wave, push/pull when it came to habits too.

For long periods there would be habits that could not be broken. Same food ever Friday and Saturday, same daily routines. Say five-six months, she would insists that everything in our life would be done a certain way and everything would be peaceful, then she would "rebel" against it all of a sudden and sort of hold me responsible for forcing it onto her. Very hurtful.

I thought she was a creature of habit, until I realized she was cheating on me.  

Maybe there were MANY others and it was a habit that I was unaware of?  

Oh, in bed the habits ruled. If I tried anything out of the ordinary (and there was quite a rigorous routine), it was "... .what the heck are you doing?".

I think this thread borders on "... is there a BPD/OCD co-mordbidity?". My xwife scored quite high on OCD on tests. A compulsive personality I would say. She preferred to drink before sex in order to enjoy it, otherwise she would turn it into an act of frustration and a mechanical chase for (her) orgasm.