BPDFamily.com

To share my experience of this week.

I haven’t seen her face to face since early 2012 (had to speak because of my son). The last time also that I was able to read her eyes, which were dead, empty and somehow with sorrow.

Eyes are the expression of the soul, so for me during those years an important benchmark in which I could see her inner turmoil  (speaking of an emotional intense relationship for me…?). 

For many years ex HFBPDw volunteers in local summer holiday activities for primary school kids (up to 12yrs.).

All these years she got a lot of satisfaction of it, was really, really involved, great enthusiasm, showed a lot of creativity, even being a board member of the Foundation.

Of course photos were placed on their website. Feeling strong enough to have a look, I did so (avoided all of that  since, blocked her wherever I could).   

It is the 4th time after her breakup that she joined, so I started with the oldest prictures.

As if she had some kind of influence (in the past not), no “accidental” picture of her was found, just some on which she with other adults jointly posed for the yearbook (and obviously smiled)

Among this years pictures were those accidental ones (sitting with coffee / listening to others, etc)

= the eyes: dead, empty, even no sparkling in it, totally none!

= facial expression: a grim expression, up to hard, no joy to see!

To be sure of myself I took a look at family pictures. No such expression of her eyes of face to see, not even years and years back.

I must say seeing this was a big surprise, I expected to see joy, satisfaction.

Even more a surprise as she recently bought herself a house (4th time she already moved in a 3,5 yrs…), even had it re-decorated. One normally gets a long feeling of joy/satisfaction, being proud of it, which shows outward.

Even more a surprise as she has a friend, soother or whatsoever since January(?). Honeymoon period could be over, never the less, being helped by soother with a big project as a house, it normally strengthens a “bond”.

The decay (if that is the right expression) is much more that I could have ever thought of! Despite the happiness of the mask they wear.

Switch emotions of… the core was not completed, so there is no healthy way to process the feelings of losing a loved one, to grieve. Just not to process as we do.

Do “they” suffer? Yes, absolutely, though “they” don’t want other to see their always present inner turmoil, so “they” show us their “successes”… a complete make over of their appearances, cloths, color of hair, FB postings, having a wonderful time, and most profound with the next one, there soother it is again … “finally found the love I always longed for”, “the best ever happened to me”… again… 

So true, at least in my case.