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It was my 4th wedding anniversary yesterday and instead I'm dealing with a divorce lawyer. Bad, bad day... .I just need some support and hear from other recovering nons if I will ever find this kind of love again, this overwhelming, totally consuming intimacy, this kind of sex, this kind of fun, excitement, 'deep' conversations, laughter. My heart aches so much and all I want is to have him back. It's what my heart wants, but my mind knows better. There is no turning back now, not after all the verbal abuse, the fights being all 'my fault' and not now that he has declared his love for someone else. I'm worth more than that!

Are there 'normal' people out there with whom you can share the same kind of deep, deep love with?

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I did find the same intense love unfortunately with another BPD.

I do believe though that we are capable of finding it in a normal healthy relationship. It will in my opinion be different though as it will be a relationship with mutual respect. It may not have the overwhelming beginning where your placed on a pedestal and made to feel like the most important person on the planet but I would rather have a slow start and grow with someone than be washed away in the mess that was my last two relationships.

I am sorry Tiepje - I was with a divorce layer by my 2nd anniversary, I get it 

Yes, there is happy life after BPD and it starts when we love ourselves first.  Spending the time to really feel the grief and heal our core stuff pays huge dividends.

Hang in there!

SB

If there is a light its probably the train coming.

The r/s with a pwBPD is intense. I think a lot of us have repressed feelings to the degree that we are a bit on the numb side. The pwBPD comes around, ignores our boundaries, does a lot of mirroring and flattering and we get hooked. They idealize us, and we idealize them. They hang on our every word and seem to really care... like unconditional love. Next thing you know we are relating to them like people do in an unconditional love relationship... .which unfortunately is parent-child... not gf/bf. The connection is deep, too deep... and it regresses us, we feel things again and even see everything like a little kid. We feel joy and hope and the world looks wonderful. If it were all reality based it would be awesome. However it isn't, and the pwBPD is disordered and the idealizing and being wonderful to us switches to being clingy (which makes no sense to us)... then to hateful. Any normal person we wouldn't take crap from, but our pwBPD... we jump through hoops to please, we take more and more from them till its really abusive even. It doesn't go back to like it was at first, as that wasn't real... it was them acting out of need, and us responding out of need.

So, can it happen with someone else. Easily with another pwBPD. Most likely not with a more mature person. The numbness is the problem, we avoid feelings and tense up and learn to not feel bad stuff. Along with not feeling bad stuff... we cease feeling good stuff. We get ego driven, and find ourselves trying to be some image of success... chasing after images of what we think will make us happy, and time passes and we become numb.

It can be fixed, very hard to do, but learn to be in the moment (mindfulness) and to fully experience feelings. Things like yoga/tai chi and exercise help, as you can learn to breathe deeply and feel again. To have a really close intimate relationship with anyone, you have to be pretty low stress ... and that isn't easy. You also have to be able to trust people to be close, and if your main super relationship was with a pwBPD... good chance you keep people at a distance to keep from getting hurt. That can all be overcome, but I found I needed to have a therapist to really work on it.

Real love takes a lot of time to build, its genuine and doesn't feel like the intense BPD r/s... it doesn't have that strong insane feeling to it.

You can be a loving person with friends and good r/s, or in a form of hell with BPD r/s... but the intensity is a  red-flag , not true love.

Good luck, it hurts discovering these truths.

Well put SB!

Thanks for the support. The mindfulness is a good thing, live in the now etc. It's just that it is soo hard sometimes. I guess that comes with grieving. It feels like I've lost my husband and I'm in mourning. But as I read somewhere else on this board, I probably mourn for the dream of the relationship and the good times more than I mourn for the presence of my stbxuBPDh.

So... .mindfulness. Taste the sip of a glass of good Port sliding down my throat (it's 17.20 in my country), hear the laundry running the last cycle, watch the dog being excited about another dog outside, feel the tears sliding down my cheeks, anticipate the party I'm going to tomorrow, smell a whiff of the nice perfume I indulged in.

See the light at the end of the tunnel... .

I highly suggest the practice of just feeling the physical sensations of the pain in chest and gut. Lay down on your back and just feel it. Close your eyes even.  You will struggle. Then you will accept defeat. Then the the feelings will present them selves as physical manifestation.  Just accept them and feel it.  Do not try to make yourself do anything. Just be. The songs tool - reflection,  a perfect circle - the stranger, a perfect circle - the noose, a perfect circle - the pet, a perfect circle - sleeping beauty. All these songs work really well for this meditation.