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I know this is screaming form her BPD but serrioulsy I can't deal with this.  We go to counsleing and T says he shoudl go to a Sex Addict Group. So I find one and contact a leader for more info. Wife says and i quote "As far as this group goes I am not very comfortable with it.  In my mind I see it as on the surface that they are saying they do this and that but really you are getting together to do the bad crap that you are supposed to be stopping. Like you are just going to it to hang out and do bad things and that they are going to be calling you and checking to see if you aren't telling me what is really going on. And that they are going to take you away and turn you even more against me."

I already know my choises are a no win or surprize a no win.   So we go for a walk list night. Then calmy like we were talking in a normal chit chat conversation I hear. "You know that i hate you right."  All I coul dsay was yes I know. I can feel the tenssion in the air. I quickly changed the subject but the tession was stil there the rest of the night.

Sounds like its time for a change. Pretty strong words "I hate you" especially said calmly and with conviction.

When someone shows you who she is, believe her.

Thats her way to get in control of your new group and the process there. She is probably afraid. And sure, in such difficult relationship any form of T or group session is causing confusion for a insecure partner.

I think your wife is very insecure and with not much self love.  :'(

A hard path for you too. 

My advice would be to learn about sex addiction and take a close look at yourself.  If you conclude that you likely are a sex addict, then seek treatment and support, regardless of what your wife says.  If not a sex addict, tell your wife and the therapist that you have looked at the criteria and do not believe that you meet them and therefore you will not be seeking sex addiction treatment.  Like you said, your wife hates you, so there's no reason to try to placate her in all this.  Seek your own healthiness.

I've looked into this to a small degree. While I can not find that I fit the criteria to most of levels. I was almost looking forward to just having interaction with a gorup of guys. Pretty sad acutally that is where I would look for some sort of friendship.  Although that is exactly why she does not want me to attend these meetings. I will make friends. Although I don't think that is typicaly what would happen from these kinds of groups. 

A web search of "am I a sex addict" brings up several quizzes that can be taken to help make that determination. I was honestly afraid that I was a sex addict for a while because I did think about it a lot. I scored at the very bottom of the sex addict test depending on how I responded to one or two questions. For me, the frequent concerns about sex had to do with wanting physical intimacy from my husband. At first, I thought that my expectations were unrealistic. I have seen several people say, "Oh, red blooded males look at porn and other women." So, when my husband chose to watch PPV porn on our wedding night and couldn't perform, I started wondering what was going on. So began me focusing a lot on sex and what I could do to get my husband interested. Yes, there was some preoccupation but it was in the context of "What the heck am I doing wrong and how the heck do I get my husband interested?"

There is a test on-line by Patrick Carnes, that will help you decide if you think you are a sex addict.  My husband is BPD and is a drug and sex addict, I know of BPD wives that have sex addict husbands, it is a pretty tight community in my town and very supportive.  If you think you might be and the test indicates, then seeing a CSAT is really the best 1st step.  They will give you a long test to evaluate, they do not just wing it based upon something you or your wife says. Because your wife has BPD, it does not mean you are not a sex addict and it does not mean that you are one. 

If you expect your pwBPD to give you clear, consistent direction that will be helpful for you, you are looking in the wrong place. As they say, you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.

Try out the sex addiction group, and see if it seems to be helpful to you. I'd recommend going to a few sessions to decide unless it is absolutely horrible!

Then either decide to continue (because it helps you) or to stop (because it is harmful to you, or a complete waste of time).

Don't expect her to approve of your decision (either way!). Don't try to make your life flap in the crazy windstorm of her emotions. It will not help you... .nor will it satisfy her!