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I guess maybe to this here?   I'm deciding to remain in limited contact with my ex and detache from the wounds.  Every interacting I've had which has been painfull has inspired me.  She inspires me.  I have no hope for a future or any fantasy.  She breaks my fantasy.  She inspires me to save myself.  I'm learning and growing so much from the interaction.  I accept. I accept  the space I need to transform.  I have no expectations.  Except the hope to process the lc and grow from it and face and overcome my fears.

Blimblam it takes courage, strength, intergrity to take a hard look at ourselves - our fears. I commend you. The journey is rewarding.

Mutt thank you.

I've been listening to this a perfect circle song a lot lately meditating on it. Inside and out as it's meaning transforms.  My fear if my ex feels exactly like my childhood fear of the boogeyman.  It is time to face Freddy Krueger with respect to who I am. Namaste.


   Download "A Stranger" Ringtone   

"A Stranger"

Cast the calming apple

Up and over satellites

To draw out the timid wild one

To convince you it's alright

And I listen for the whisper

Of your sweet insanity while I formulate

Denials of your effect on me

You're a stranger

So what do I care

You vanish today

Not the first time I hear

All the lies

What am I to do with all this silence

Shy away, shy away phantom

Run away terrified child

Won't you move away you ___ing tornado

I'm better off without you

Tearing my will down

Does she inspire you, or do you project that onto her?

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Either way, if it turns out better for you, go with it.

She has always inspired me but my relation to the inspiration has changed. Transformed from fools gold to lead now I must transform it into gold. But if I run away like a terrified

Child my fear will always hold this parts of myself in my unconcious.

This all leads back to a post I read by Turkish in his what I am stuck in thread.  His post inspired me triggered something and now it is begining to come full circle. I  beginning to believe in who I am.  Trusting who I am. Accepting who I am. Knowing Who I am.

Here is the lyrics the the other a Percy circle song I have been meditating on lately

   

Play "The Noose"

"The Noose"

So glad to see you well

Overcome and completely silent now

With heaven's help

You cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you off your cloud

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

Recall the deeds as if

They're all someone else's

Atrocious stories

Now you stand reborn before us all

So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down

Around your neck and tug you to the ground

But I'm more than just a little curious

How you're planning to go about

Making your amends to the dead

To the dead

With your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down

Your halo slipping down [repeated]

Your halo slipping down to choke you now

My gut is telling me to do this and I am my intention and this is the ritual.  Quite literally cerimomial ritual magic. The serpent will swallow it's own tail.

Hi blimblam.  I too applaud you willingness to look within.

I am curious about the thread you said inspired you to take this steep.  I searched for it a couple of ways, but I can't find it.  Can you link to it?  I'm always looking for inspiration and insight.  Thx.

Harri,

Here is the link.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229688.0

BlimBlam, you're a braver man than me, I couldn't think of anything worse I'd rather do. You state that it will help you, would you be so good to explain how? Surely it'll just stir things up again? I have read a lot of your posts, very informative they are too but I cannot understand why you'd wish for such a situation. Is it a way of proving to yourself that you are "over" her or a way of testing yourself?

I think one has to make a conscious decision to move on, once that is made, then simply move on, easier said than done I know, living, ruminating about the past keeps you stuck in the past, in my experience.

One thing I have found at nearly 4 months NC is that the more time that passes the more apparent it all becomes how completely destructive abusive it all was and the realization that having nothing to do with my ex BPD is the best course of action for me, I've wasted enough time/energy, life goes on, every day that passes makes me so thankful I "escaped" what could have been an even worse situation.

But if it works for you then fair play, I applaud your bravery.

ps. Not meant to be critical or harsh.

Ventus,

Through the soulmate bond the 2 become 1. She is my gateway into the unconcious mind. The wormhole into the 4 th dimension. Through this bond my third eye is awakening. Also my fear of her is the fear of my own unconcious mind.  Do your remember when the boogeyman was real to you? Think back and remember.  It is exactly the same feeling.

Nothing is everything.  Do nothing. Feel everything.

I highly suggest laying down closing your eyes and just feel the physical sensations in you chest and gut chakras.  Struggle. Accept defeat. And let it consume you.  Do not try to do anything just feel it. Then you will know.  Sink into the abyss. Enter the void. Let your mind go completely. Do not focus on your breath. Let go of being award in the

Moment.  Just feel the emotions the physical sensation of it in the most relaxed position you can.

The song a stranger by a perfect circle on repeat can help you feel it.

This is the most profound meditation i have ever experienced. And I have meditated for hundreds if not thousands of hours in my life.

Look within. Do not seek. Do not try. Feel the uncomfortable feeling that you feel as

Anxiety.  Just feel it.  Do not be present. No focus. Just feel it.

You will know when you know.

This practice will lead to nightmares. But after awakening from a nightmare is one of the best times to do this meditation. After peeing of course.

But yes I am terrified of my ex.  In my mind she is the boogeyman incarnate. But that is just a mask over a world of suffering and pain and it tumbled far enough down the rabbit hole to experience pain beyond my wildest imagination. And I found her inside my mind a couple times now and each has been the most powerfull experiences of my life.  Today after contact wit her was another one of the most powerfull experiences of my life. I'm going to get video camera equipment and a voice recorder and start practicing talkin when the realizations and visions and epiphanies occurr.  I need to document this as best I can.

The absolute worst part is my third eye is opening and I can see when she is Fokin somone else. I hate it. I know when she has orgasm I can't stand it.

So what you're saying is, you're having psychic visions of her sleeping with others?

Hi blimblam, and thank you very much for the link.  That is indeed a very powerful thread. 

I like your determination to work on your own issues and to use your contact, as limited as it may be, as a vehicle for introspection. 

This here:
made me laugh!   :)  A physical purge as a prelude to spiritual enlightenment! 

Yes. As it's happening

The thing is like I bonded my soul to hers so when she buried her soul and let it tumble back down the rabbit hole I did too. So reminders of her and the fear comes back and alows me to process it again and reclaim who I am.

Blim blam you are one of the more inspiring members on here in my opinion. Lots of gems for my brain you have layed down. Have you thought of the what if's in doing this? What if she wants to reattach herself to you? As you know they have no shame in saying or doing whatever they need to to get what they want. If she wants to reaatach herself to you she will say everything you need to hear in order to do so. Brother it pains me to see you do this. You do not deserve to be used in any way shape or form even if it is so minute that you can barely notice. It is not secret I do not have much sympathy these days for people with BPD all of my sympathy goes out to us the Non. Maybe I'm biased but at this point I do not care. What I see on here are thousands of people who tried to have understanding for these people when everyone else just throws them in the trash. In return we have been stomped on. Yes there is a backstory they all have. So does a serial killer and so does a rapist and so does a child molester. Please think about this. This is coming from a person who might have possibly done the same as you. However somehow I can give better advice then I can execute for myself. Please use some of that knowledge that you have given to others and apply it to yourself. When these people betray us they not only betray a lover but they betray therye best friends. Let her experience the pain of not having you in her life at all! Have you ever been broke? You would have had to experience the pain of having no money to learn to conserve your money. Let her experience the pain of losing as many people as possible so she can learn that people are not toys. Start with yourself please brother. Do not let her in your life at all unless she has solid proof of recovery and solid proof of actual remorse. That is just my opinion bro. You are a smart dude I can tell you deserve better friends then that who compliment your style.

Ag

I understand where you are coming from and the genuine concern.  I have attached my soul to hers.  The 2 are 1. I know what I need to do for not myself but for who I am.  She destroyed my sense of self.  It is the most painfull gift I can think of but it is a gift. I am afraid to even see her she hurt me so badly.  There is no way I can let her reattach. There were times we almost did in the past but my gut would not allow me to be able to.

This is about reclaiming who I am while perpetually destroying the self. Untill I become whole. Earlier today the I am was solid and projecting onto the self. But my gut knows there is more to process. I am trusting my gut.

The only way I would reattach would be to who I am and that part of her.  At that time I would be so whole I think she would fear who I am. The only way she would be able to reattach would be to attach to who I am not myself. I am not myself. Myself not am I.

If she knew who I am she would be awoken from her nightmare.

I am becoming who I am. Being is becoming. Time is an illusion in eternity.

I do not trust myself. I trust who I am. My life is a prayer to who I am. I need to know who I am. I am nothing. Nothing is everything.  I need to do nothing. My self fears who I am. I fear myself. When myself knows who I am the I will not fear myself.

You are everything. Everything is you. You are a cell in Gods body. You are part of the universe. If you cease to exist it will cause a rift in the universe that's how important you are. You are not malevolent I can easily tell from what you write. Do not connect yourself with a malevolent force that will consume your light. Regardless of the back story the end result is these people consume others light to sustain themselves. Let them find the light that is buried deep within them and replenish your own because a large portion of it has been stolen from you. They do not care if it is scraps of your light. They do not care if you hurt. They are not friends. Friends don't steal your light to sustain themselves. Friends want to see you shine. I do not care about the explanation of a child trapped in an adults body. I do not buy that ish. Children do not behave this malicious and even if they do they have spent little time on this earth with minute social interaction to know any better. Diagnosis or not they have lived on this earth causing destruction and stealing light as they go along with no regards for anyone but themselves. Let her find the source within herself. You do not deserve to be food of any sort for anyone. Please rethink what you are doing brother. For real. Remember that time you told me that you spent in the woods getting yourself back together. She can do the same if she choses to but does not. That is no friend in my book. Save yourself you already gave her enough light and she wasted it frivolously like it was nothing. All I can do is give you my opinion but I strongly suggest you keep her away from your power source. If someone else were with her Id say the same exact thing. These people do not care about anyone but themselves. That is not a friend my brother. Not at all.

It is a prayer to sacrifice myself to the goddes to know fear to know who I am.

Ag it's like the same thing that made her the way she is is in me too holding the lost parts keeping me from being whole.  Limited contact. Very limited reminds me of the fear.  I then process it.  Parts of my light are held by fear. The fear of god.  Myself hides the fear from myself deep in the unconcious mind.  When I know this fear myself will not fear

Who I am.

Here's the problem with that. If she is truly disordered it doesn't matter how many people she loses, she won't ever learn that lesson. It's beyond her capability.

It's why understanding the disorder is important. If we are doing something to try and teach them a lesson they will never learn, our focus is still on them. In a round about way, we're still letting them drive our actions. It's not really about having sympathy for those with BPD. It's about letting go of the anger, and shifting the focus off of them and onto ourselves. No one can fault you for being mad or lacking sympathy for those with BPD. They aren't very sympathetic figures. But the last thing we want to do is give them more power in our lives.

Rise wrote:


THIS!  Yes!

I remember seeing some show about rape victims going through therapy then years later confronting their abuser. So it's kind of like that.  

Yes it's about me facing my fears so has no power over me.

When I was little there was a game I used to play at sleep overs called bloody marry. I stopped fearing her because I realized she doesn't exist.  What if she does exist and it's not fear I should have or pretend I am not afraid.  Enstead to know the fear to know the suffering and know it is all love.

Here is a clip from dark knight rises about facing the fear. To be able to make the leap of faith to see the light.

www.youtu.be/KXxw-zXRqOs

I still fear her= i still fear myself = my self fears who I am

I seek to have my self know who I am.

When myself knows who I am I will know fear is love.

There are those who do not know fear and do not know love. We call these people sociopaths or psychopaths.

Blimblam,

I'm glad you're facing down your fears. It's a very difficult thing to do. We all have to walk our own road towards healing and if this is the path that is truly best for you to walk then I wish you the best of luck. I am curious though, what exactly is your plan for this? When you say that you want to have LC with your ex, are you trying to face her down one last time, or are trying to seek out an ongoing relationship? I'm just wondering where you are planning for this to go.

Rise

Rise,

This is about finding out who I am. What I find happening is as I reclaim more of my inner fear and regain more light I have the opportunity to shine that from my unconcious mind onto my concious awareness and from this a sense of self, ego, or personna. That is a mask though from which if identify as who I am can hide from my fears but, they still exist within my unconcious mind.  When I know the fear it is no longer fear it is love. 

When I feel my self begin to hide my fear I will contact her.   Then once again I will feel the fear to process it.  I also feel hope arise and it is an extremely complex emotion to process.

I am workin on a way to document what I find. The nature of the unconscious mind is incredibly complex and profound.