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My daughter (18) graduated from high school in May. She hated school. Those with BPD kids know that they can't keep friends. It was always about the drama, and never the learning. The school just pushed her through to get rid of her. She barely cracked a book in 4 years.

She said her dream is to be a real estate agent. I could actually see her being good at that one day, but obviously her lack of work experience and age are against her. Still, I had a friend in the business who needs a personal assistant, so I introduced them.

That was in April. She took the real estate classes at night before she even finished high school. I still never saw her crack a book to study. If I asked her about that (horror!), she would have a melt down and scream at me.

It is now August. She has taken the test at the school twice -- the pre-cursor to actually taking the state test -- and failed it twice. Taking it again next week. Yesterday I made the mistake of saying I saw a job in the paper she might like, until this test is passed, she can work in the meantime. Of course, she flipped out, began cursing at me, told me how unsupportive I am, how much she hates me. Blah, blah, blah.

Because of her issues, my husband feels badly for her, and showers her with fancy clothes, a car, pays for gas, etc. Thinks it will help her self-esteem. All it is doing from what I can see is spoiling her. She isn't learning anything. So last night, I hear her say to him that today, they will go get a credit card in her name to help build her credit score.

He never discussed this with me... .a recurring thing that causes fights between us. It is like I am not even here. So I turned around and said, she doesn't have a job. She doesn't earn money. What in the world are you doing getting her a credit card? Her goal is to move out as soon as she can, he says, so she needs a credit score. Yes, say I, you get a job, earn money, learn to pay for your car,gas, insurance, and then you save to get a place. You don't have a credit card if you don't earn a paycheck!

His argument is he will let her charge gas on the card (that is it), and he will pay the bill. She tends to do what he says, since he is the source of her money and will punish her by withdrawing it if she disobeys him. But I still think this is something that one EARNS. He makes everything so easy, that she is off in this unrealistic la-la land where she thinks she will get a job, and move out immediately and life is going to be wonderful.

She started screaming at me, I HAVE A JOB! She has the promise of a job IF she can pass the state test. But she has not earned a dollar or worked a day. But he agrees with her.

After she left the room, I asked him, do you think that job has been waiting since April? I am too embarrassed to ask my friend if it is, and I do not want to put pressure on her. In the real world that I live in, I can't imagine this job is still there. But what do I know?

I ended up doing what I always do. After they both spent 30 minutes arguing with me, I retreated to my bedroom, feeling as my husband always makes me feel -- unsupported, like I am not his partner but a sidelined player who has nothing to offer. This wedge between us over her and this disorder -- and that he doesn't believe she has it -- and how we approach it is killing me. I just mentally check out and sit alone.

I have been the one who sat outside of restaurants during her panic attacks, I have been the only who dealt with all her phobias and cutting and therapists, I have been the one who the school and parents called and complained to, having to be mortified when they would describe my daughter's behavior and the cruel things she would say to people. And he has minimized what she does and brushes it under the rug. Everytime. Tells me I am part of her problem. Why? Because I try to talk to her about the reality of her actions and words, versus coddling her and telling her she is just a victim?

I believe he wants her to get out ASAP, because he is hoping that will fix this issue between us. But this isn't the only issue between us. But this has further eroded our relationship. And I have no idea how to fix my marriage, my daughter, any of this.

When I read other posts here, I am happy my daughter doesn't drink or do drugs. But damn. What an unhappy existence this is. I feel so alone and hopeless. I sometimes wonder if we got divorced, if she wouldn't be a bit better. The way these "discussions" go -- him being the knight in shining armor, showering her with gifts, and me suggesting real world solutions to her problems, VS coddling her. Well a child seeing that discord between parents cannot be a good thing.

Well. I guess I got some of this out. Open to thoughts. 

CeeCee

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My dd17 has also at time put a wedge inbetween my H and myself. It just doesn't get better in time... .it does get worse. It seems to me our focus is always on our daughter that we have little time to work on our relationships. My dd is able to split us like a pro... .it think what we have tried to do is really pay attention to this. We don't discuss things in front of her. We tell her we will discuss and talk to her later. I think you need some ground rules with your H. He should not be making these kinds of decisions without you. Really sit down and wirte out an agreement so going forward you can both help your dd.

We have gift cards for gas for our dd because she was not able to use her debt card wisely. We give her no cash and since she just got a job we will be expecting her to pay even more of her way. My dd is 17 and I hope this year she will learn some vaulable lessons to prepare her for independent life. Hang in there... .I would be very concerned if my dd had a credit card with no job!

CeeCee, I can relate to what you are going through, now my wife and I are on the same page but it was not always so.

When my SD was younger she is 26 now, a lot of excuses were made for her disorder I felt she was being coddled to much by her mother and not being held accountable for her actions, while she was a teen she became very obnoxious and demanding. We argued a lot in that time but she burned her mother too many times and we started researching behavior issues. Histrionic- BPD pretty much fit the bill we got books and read up on it and discussed our issues when there was not a calamity happening this was after SD had moved out, we had a lot more time to think rather than react.

We came up with guidelines on how we handle certain situations and stick with them we have found a rule has to be consistent even one exception invalidates it. It has been working well SD has moved back in with us after another failed relationship and we have not argued about handling her situation and SD behavior is better now that she knows she cant play us against each other. But it is a game of constant vigilance.

It took a while to get where we are, my wife reads this forum and occasionally posts, it has really helped us a lot.

CeeCee, at your daughter's young age of 18 this is far from over.  My DD is 37 and we are just learning how to live with it after many years of false starts, false hopes and tens of thousands of dollars into a bottomless pit.  What your husband is showing you is who he is.  I dare to say that even with your daughter moved out (if that ever happens) he will not change, nor will she.  What I recommend is that you put some deep thought into what you can do separately to heal your wounds and have some sort of life, even if you don't talk to them about it.  They have united and shut you out. He has reinforced your daughter's disrespect and dismissiveness of you.  They are both acting in that matter... .disrespectful and dismissive.  If it were me, I would quietly (because neither of them would deserve to know my inner most thoughts) start making moves for a new life, new job, new training if needed, and build my personal security to where if the day comes that I want to leave, I can do so.  I can't fathom your husband doing this to you and then once the daughter leaves,  come to you and say, "There, it's all better now, let's go have a good time together."  It just doesn't work that way.  You are not his dog to be put in a kennel till he's ready to come and consider you.   I've been through the ringer enough with this disorder that that is what I would do if it were happening to me.  I'd let them have each other and go find a life where people have common sense, respect, optimism and productivity.  Being alone in a new town for me would be more promising than living as the doormat of my husband and daughter.   

When I was married to my kids' dad, he used to spoil the younger one. Older d struggled, and he was pretty stern with her, but younger d was sweet and cute and he would do anything to keep her happy, because she ws so pleasant when she was happy.

Now, years later, we are divorced and younger d is having serious issues, and older d is stable and in a good, not perfect but good place. (Really good actually, she has adhd, ocd, anxiety, depression, a whole alphabet, bit she's self aware and takes responsibility). Younger d is putting herself and the rest of us through the ringer (the saga is on another thread).

Ok, getting to the point, her father and I are working together to try to help her. And he was telling me how she has to be responsible for her choices and we shouldn't keep coddling her.

Grrr... .How many times did I try to explain that when she was small?

Take care of yourself, keep getting support here and wherever you can. Is there any way he can be the on call parent next time she self destructs? Parenting has always been mostly on me, with my ex I take whatever help I can get. Part of the reason he is an ex, unfortunately.

Maybe if there is any way you can opt out of cleaning up her messes, he will have to step up and understand?