BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone... .I'd appreciate your opinions on something which has been weighing heavy on me.

I've been split with my undiagnosed BPD ex gf for over two years now, no contact (mostly) for the past year.  My BPD story is as textbook as everyone else's, so I won't bore you with the details.  It ended badly, her cheating on me and then lying and leading me on for six months afterwards.  We had been together for almost 8 years, engaged, etc.  She wanted to get back together a couple of times afterwards and having been denied, wanted to remain friends, but I wouldn't have it and took the time needed to heal myself.

Flash forward two years, and I've done extensive work on myself, and see clearly everything I was responsible for in the relationship, and indeed there was a lot, but I know that even though I may want it, we just wouldn't work out.  She sent me a message on facebook asking me to call her earlier this year which I ignored, and then another message a couple months later which I did respond to.  We had a pleasant chat via facebook, although I would get a little cold and distant when it started getting too personal, fearing re-engagement.  She told me to stay in touch and that was that, and I haven't heard from her since.  So we aren't on bad terms or anything, I just know that I still have feelings for her, and the thought of her still gives me anxiety.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, but from what I've read that's pretty standard for non's after a BPD relationship. 

Anyway, the point of this is that I finally sold my house and am going to be moving literally across country at the end of next month.  She knew I was trying to sell and this would happen eventually, but I'm still on the fence as to whether I should email her a quick note and tell her myself, and not have her hear from someone else.  I know this sounds like I'm trying to initiate contact, or an emotional attack to make her contact me, but trust me it's not.  Personally I would prefer not to have any contact whatsoever, however I feel guilty if I just left the state without a note. 

I don't hate her, and I honestly wish her happiness.  She wasn't quite as bad as most of the BPD horror stories I've read, evidenced by her giving me my space and not hounding me when I clearly wanted to be left alone.  And years down the line I might consider a friendship with her, but I'm not ready for that yet (even after two years!  /sigh), and I'm afraid that if I tell her she's going to ask to see me before I leave, and I'm still working on myself and trying to ditch the "white knight" mentality and my inability to say no (to certain people).

ugh... sorry this is such a ramble.  I don't talk about this to any of my friends, and I haven't really thought this much about her in a long time so it's all a little jumbled. 

Any advice or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated  :)

Hi Servante,

Send her a note. You know your not ready NOW for a friendship and perhaps in the future. I'm 17 months seperated from my ex. I don't hate her. I have become less triggering for her and I'm not ready for a friendship. Perhaps years down the road I'd have a BBQ or something in her company. But not now, it's way too soon for me. I'm not comfortable with it.

You have an idea of what you want and what your boundaries are. She is a person just like you or I but she is wired different. Send it.

My inclination is that telling her you are moving is also telling her that you are still hooked and want to maintain contact.  Moving it a perfect opportunity to cut all ties and stop all contact.  By not telling her, you are truly letting go.  The opposite of love is not hate it is ambivalence.  Not telling her could lead her to believe that you don't think about her at all.  That is what she needs to think.

This is important:  It is not cruel to stop talking to her.  She is going to feel rejected no matter what you do.  She is going to find someone else (or already has) and she is going to totally re-write history concerning you.  The best thing for you is No Contact.  Once you cut ties completely, who frigging cares what she thinks or feels.  You have no control over that anyway EVEN IF YOU STAYED WITH HER.

Just my opinion.