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My ex BPD is in treatment and I'm wondering whether she'd understand that there is a good possibility that she is splitting me black rather than me actually being all these awful things she is painting me as. I know I shouldn't be wasting my time thinking about this, cause I don't want to break NC/LC, but I'm curious if anyone's ex was ever able to see the splitting process and if it made a difference in coming to peace (not getting back together) with each other.

Yep! Mine did in rare moments of clarity! He knew exactly what he was doing. We would talk about it afterwards... .He split me black once for 2 weeks claiming I was a lesbian, having an affair with my best friend. He said he really didnt think it but he just came up with it and started to believe it himself. Its almost some alternate psychotic state of mind where they truely believe their delusional thoughts, knowing they are delusional... .   Since he was having the affair at that time I took it as some sort of projection.

He also knew exaclty what he was doing with anger attacks. He told me he would know he said horrible irrational things, but couldnt stop himself from saying or doing it. He said he would use the "suicide-card" if he didnt know how to get himself out of the mess he created. He said he would never ever really do it.

He went to therapy, I guess until she really started to confront him or he got triggered somehow. One day he came out of T with some nonsense story about his T sharing intimate sexual details about her life... .Another one of his lies. Maybe to get my attention (playing victim) or to have a legitimate excuse to quit.

Bottom line: He knew what he was doing... .  Hence my hope he would go to DBT and all would be fine... .

When someone has strong feelings they can't handle, which can happen when a borderline gets too close to someone and feels engulfed, they will use whatever tools that come to mind to feel better, one of which is projection, the process of taking negative feelings about themselves and assigning them to someone else, has nothing to do with reality, but it helps a borderline feel better.  The process of therapy is to first develop tools to mellow out, reduce the severity of extremely strong emotions so someone can sit with them somewhat comfortably, and then start working on the damage they've caused and most importantly, take responsibility for their actions and tell the truth, openly and honestly.  That's a tall order for anyone who hasn't done it before, borderline or not, and with a borderline there's always the possibility they will lose control of those emotions again, dysregulate, and then familiar patterns of lying and projecting will prove useful again.

Chances are slim but possible.  I said screw it and left, too many awesome women in the world to tolerate that crap, but some folks are more committed than I am.

Although I think all those things are great, and necessary. I think most borderlines need to heal from childhood wounds more than anything. Mine was molested at 5, when she told her parents, her mom beat the crap out of her and called her a liar. She was told she had to look at the wall when she slept, she had to eat all her food. And that there is no god, so she better suck it up, when she was scared at night, truly a living hell. She still to this day has to sleep facing the wall and has to eat all her food. What a sad tale, and I believe it to be true.