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I keep trying to tell myself to stop doing everything my wife asks. So why do it. I can't help being nice and heping out. So is there an aknowledgement of this? No. I am chastized for trying to joke around and have a fun time.

Last night I tried to set up something romanic since she has been telling I never do. So decked out a spare bedroom in candles and soft music for som nice dancing and well relaxing time. Couple of the candles were apparently too close the blinds and I could start to smell them melting. Quickly blew them out and I thought we were laughing it off. But apparently I suck at everythgin and make a mess of everythgin I do. I am useless.

Then later while yelling and being very angry and upset with me, I try to calm her down with massage and back rubs. She is still angry the blurts out "are you going to do something or just beat around the bush?". She wanted sex and I was not getting that vibe she was in any sort of mood. I sure wasn't. How do you have sex with someone that is berating you? 

Is it your job to try to calm her down, or is it your job to take care of yourself?  Unless calming her down is taking care of yourself?  I'm confused

I get your point. It is not for me. She starts a new job today and she has been nervous, scared, and anxious and was expecting me to shower her with encourageent and make her feel better. And when I wasn't or couldn't she would get angry. I know I can't make someone feel different but  I have not been able to remove myself from that cycle and explainthis to her in a way that she will even some what see as anything but being a jerk to her.

Your wife is a child-woman.  You are continuing to try to please someone who told you she hates you, yet wakes you up in the middle of the night to walk her to the bathroom.

I continue to wonder when you will reach the point you take care of yourself.  She is killing your soul.

I would've walked away. What's the fun in having sex, when the other party isn't into it as you are.

She was glad to see that I have not been sleeping well becasue of the fact she keeps telling me she hates me and the our relationship is so far gone. She is enjoying that I am being miserable.

Are you enjoying being miserable?

Wow, 123Phoebe hits the nail on the head with this question.  Cipher, we have all been watching you accept consistent abusive behavior from your wife for a long time now.  You have not been willing to take the steps required to cure your misery, so I think 123Phoebe's question is a valid one - are you enjoying being miserable?  Your words say no, but based on your actions, I'm not really sure about that. 

Do you feel like you deserve to be miserable and do not deserve to be healthy or happy?  That might be something to work on... .until you actually want health and happiness for yourself, you will not likely be willing to do the difficult things required to gain health and happiness for yourself.

I have been told it seems liek maybe I am a sadist and liek being in misery bucasue any normal person would be happy in ther new life by now. Far from the crap going on in my curent life.

And the more negative connotations we place upon ourselves, the deeper the whole that we dig.

Can you think of one small change you would like to make?  Not that you'd like her to make.  This is all about you... .

This thought changed my outlook. I never enjoyed being miserable. I never signed up for it when I knew her. And once I accepted being with her will only keep me on tip toes, I started on the acceptance phase that her leaving me might not be the worst thing to have happened to me. As a friend of mine told me, "this is a cause for celebration! you are finally free". haha.

Hope it helps in your decision in how much of this stress do you want to take, and how much of that stress is affecting your health and life.

I don't know if this qualifies as a small change but I would liek to feel I have soem control over my own life. That I can take charge of myself and say I'd like to watch this tv program or read this book.

Or better yet I'd like to make a friend. (since I do not have any.)

Cipher

Even though we're connected via the internet here, it's pretty safe to say that we're all friends and in this together, wanting the very best for each other   I sure hope you can feel it.

What do you think about grabbing a good book to read and taking it to a coffee shop (or somewhere) during your wife's next hoorah?  Treating yourself well.  Soothing your own emotions while letting her soothe herself?  Does that sound like a possibility?