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I had a rs with a NPD and a BPD (both male, I'm female).

With both of them i noticed the honeymoon ended around the 4/5 month mark. Thats when they started to show their true colors and idolization ended and thing became rocky.

Both of them have had relationships in the past, they usually broke up after 6/7 months.

Also, after 4 months approx, they started to hunt again secretly. You just felt a shift in energy within the rs.

Would love to hear if anybody had the same 4/5 month mark experience.

Yep, things started going south exactly 4 months after we started. We were done by 5 months.

Yeah 4 to 5 months things got bad

Yup about 5 months.

They broke up with me with 5 months as well.

I also noticed that around the 4 month mark they started to push my boundaries. Before that they were very careful.

I made it known to them (in a kind loving way of course) that i was sticking with my boundaries and thats when they just dumped me.

No talking things over, no compromising, not trying to find a solution, just discard.

Both of them had a new rs within days with back up girls.

I even told one: I am not an IPhone you can just replace instantly.

The idealisation phrase was about 4-5 months. Then the she began to sabotage and we broke after another 6 months, in which I was trying stop her weird behaviour. Immediately after we broke the devaluation began.

4 months first relationship, 6 months second relationship (same person) and many years of recycling... .none of which lasted over 3 months.

Are we starting to see a pattern here? 4-7 months?

Bingo! I've been wondering the exact same thing. There seems to be a pattern and i wonder why/what happens around that time in their mind... ? Hmmm.

First time in 2006 she gave her brother access to her email, who saw our emails, and her mother told her to break it off with me.

Second time in 2011, her sister-in-law saw her email account (still not sure how), saw our photos, and her brother told her father.

The similarity of the two things freaks me out. But before that second incident, she had officially broken up because of religious reasons.

I think we can deduce what is going on. They mirror us and idealize us. My ex did that. She loved and liked and had interests in whatever I did. Within a few months she started saying she doesn't like any of these things, and is liking them for me. Whenever I asked what do you like, she never had an answer. Probably because she is hollow inside without any self. So she was the person her parents would like, then the person I would like, but in reality she doesn't know who she is. But within a few months they realize that this idealization was fake, and that's when "we have issues" comments starts coming out and soon after the devaluation.

2014: there is another thread on this board asking when we were split black that is similar to your question. How odd that we all seem to have an expiration date of 4-5 months: not counting any recycles. I was onto him pretty quickly as the idolization phase was clingy and creepy for me. The abandoned child phase lasted quite awhile where he clung and NEEDED me. And as long as he NEEDED me (always financially). He seemed to be able to suck up the angry child. Like you, I FELT the barometer dropping as criticism of myself, my friends, and my family ensued. But he was a love bomber and anytime he felt my rebelling against unreasonable treatment, he vehemently proclaimed his undying affection. Did you ever get silent treatment? Because that seems to be the REAL warning that you're about to get discarded. It was a long way for me to fall: from being utterly adored to utterly ignored, and I got there in less than 60 seconds when he decided to throw his new iPhone away.

Mine lasted just 4 weeks for the idealization/mirroring and the devaluation started right after her ex wished her on her birthday followed by the instability/doormat and silent treatment at random intervals for another 4 weeks. One final question like do you really love me? and BAM I'm painted pitch black!

My situation is different because we were long distance. She lived in the UK. I live in the US. We did the back and forth thing for over two years, got married and then still had to be apart while we were waiting on her visa. I think the idealization phase was extended because of this. I will say however that there were little nigglings of something being off. Her incredible sensitivity and hurt feelings. I would feel awful and gravel for her to forgive me for offending her (somehow); then, within a few days, it would be back to idealization.

The devaluation/instability did happen but kicked into high gear after we got married and on each of my visits to her while we were waiting for her visa.

She told me recently that she had reservations about moving on several occasions. Wasn't sure if I was "worth it" (that is how she put it) when we argued. If I am honest, I would say that I had my reservations as well. I think we both wanted to see our commitment through.

Now we are both miserable. The devaluation and instability has kicked in full force, culminating in her telling me a few weeks ago that she "loves me less". I am having a hard time getting past that one.

Good luck to you my friend!

I believe the 4/5 mark in any r/s, BPD or not, changes at this time.  In a healthy r/s the passion slows down and you come out of that 'drunk' state and remember you are two separate people.  This is where true intimacy and a deeper love is possible.  And this is where you start to realise that your partner is not perfect, they are human after all... .a pwBPD is a whole other story, this is when I started to see there was a problem but it didn't really kick into high gear until about a year into it.

Here too every 4-5 months! It was a perfect cycle... .Honeymoon month, "stable" month, moody month, hell month ending with a huge fight, suicide threath etc. Then 2 weeks of being split black... .And RECYCLE... .Honeymoon month... .Etc.

(In moody month he would start to "look" for other women... .)

I saw a clear pattern and told his psychologists. Because of this clear cycle I thought he waa bipolar, but the P clearly said he was borderline.

I had my first what the heck moment around three months into the relationship. We were on vacation, had been drinking a bit, and got into our first argument.

It was about something small and insignificant. She blew up and slammed a medicine cabinet door and shattered the glass.

This was the unveiling of her disorder.

Soon after our vacation she started to devalue me. I think what triggered her "coming out" was, on our vacation we started to get closer and our intimacy increased.

So four months in, she started to she signs of NPD/BPD. That began an 11 year roller coaster ride.

Come to think of it, there was another cycle that started 4 month into our marriage. It was after the second honeymoon phase ended. That's when things got really bad.

What is it about 4 months? I did a google search and found a site where people suffering from BPD were talking about how they go through cycles. Most said they

would cycle out of their PD for three months and then would start to get triggered easily. Their trigger sensitivity would culminate and peek in around a month.

At this point, they could go into a phase lasting for an unpredictable amount of time depending on the situation.

My thoughts are, at the beginning of a relationship PD's go into reset and begin a new cycle.

Interesting!  We also had a honeymoon period of about 4 months where everything was amazing around our wedding until things started unravelling again. 

Three weeks.

Very interesting, thanks! Although it's depressing that the replacement still has another month of amazing idealization to look forward to. Maybe he will be smart enough to bail in a month or so, when the madness begins.

3 months in, I noticed something a little sketchy - but I brushed it off.  I noticed I was dealing with something around the one year mark.  Things absolutely imploded around the 15-18th month mark.  

Good lord, yes! The similarities are mesmerizing (and healing at the same time), yes i did get the silent treatment and with both i just immediately sensed something was up. And with both it happened in ONE 'not so holy' minute.

And good god, how i punished myself for not being what they wanted me to be in that minute.

This was all before i started to investigate PD's. I kicked and kicked myself for that, i was destroying my self esteem, attacking my own character & integrity.  

Both of them suddenly stopped answering my texts, didn't take my calls and if i 'pressured' like 'hey, u ok? drop a line pls' i got a two word response like 'yes alive'. He wounldt even talk in full sentences to me? The last text before that was one he said he felt like we were a match made in heaven.

Oh and the reason for the sudden discard was: i couldn't go to a boat party with him because i was babysitting my sisters kid.

Yep.

Yes, pressing the RESET immediately with my replacement. We had planned to take a vacation together to Spain, i had already took my days off, he had booked the house etc.

After my 60 sec discard (by text, because i didn't go to a party with him) he de-activated his fb profile and started all new & fresh with her. He just took her to Spain instead of me. That was the end. How i found out? I read it in the gossip magazines as he is a well known tv personality in my country.

About the cycle's… do they only show in relationships? Or in other parts of life as well?

No, I would say he's probably already gotten a few doses by now. She was idealizing him before we were separated. I actually heard her get upset with him two weeks

before our split. She was already focusing in on her target. For some reason it's a reassuring thought that he's got it coming. I'm normally not a vindictive person,

but this is a unique situation.

He wanted my wife, he's going to have her, the good, bad and the extremely ugly. 

They were talking about life outside of relationships. That's why I thought it was an important clue. If it was isolated within a relationship it would explain

the honeymoon phase being over. Most relationships have a honeymoon phase lasting around three to four months, depending on how much time you spend together.

I've noticed that there are other factors which can put them in auto reset as well. Like buying a new house or going on an extended vacation. When things go exceptionally

well in life they can go into regression.

Although when my stbxw would snap out of an extended period of regression, it was like she needed to rage binge.

After she got her "fix" all would be well for a short period of time.

Honestly when I take a look back, the instability was always there. I was just so caught up in how she was making me feel that I ignored it, or excused it. The idealisation was so intense and all consuming I didn't want something to be wrong. So I wrote off the red flags. I accepted blame for things I shouldn't have. I made excuses for when she was irrational and unstable. It wasn't until things progressed out of the honeymoon period, and I started expecting the relationship to evolve and progress that I started to take notice of what was going on. But the truth is, our relationship was never stable.

As more time is passing by and the cloud over my eyes are lifting, this is what I am realizing, and this is what is helping me in moving forward in my own life. I spent too many years of my life defending her, even her abusive behavior. I always pointed to the good parts about her. Sure, there were lots. But the instability was always there. I refused to look too because I was so caught up in the honeymoon phase.

Instability was always there. After 3 months we had our first fight, then after 4/5 months she broke up, instantly went back to her ex.

I agree with Rise and could have written the same thing myself. I was so caught up in the glamour/idealization phase that I chose to overlook the "red flags". It was always an unstable relationship. I didnt know about the BPD until the end... .4 years later! Good grief! IF I knew then what I know now! At the time I had no idea what was going on. Just knew it wasnt normal behavior, nor a normal relationship.

Just my two cents, but, I think the cycles depend on what other drama, stress, as well as the exes available for recycle or new supply options that are in their lives.

The first initial idealization cycle lasted only 6 weeks! He got a MRSA infection post-surgery, Left me a VM that it was the "hardest" thing he's ever had to do, but we couldn't see each other for a while. I responded very angrily and was very upset. He contacted me a month later to meet for drinks. The second recycle lasted maybe 1 month. I contracted MRSA and he didn't care, no empathy (surprise, surprise, surprise) and disappeared. I do believe now that he recycled an ex based upon information I've since learned.

The third recycle was the longest and lasted 7-9 months in total. It became a Rollercoaster ride after 3 months of idealization and spending every weekend together. Rinse and repeat, the next recycles became shorter and shorter as he picked up right were we left off! So idealization was very short cause at that point he knew I was a doormat! Argh! 

I'm so glad I am off of the Rollercoaster and no longer the supporting actress in Nightmare on Elm Street Part#10! I am now 7 weeks NC with my ex BPDbf. I have not heard a peep from him. He moved onto the OW, who was in the wings 8 weeks before I finally ended it with him and I went NC. I'm sure her idealization phase with him is just about done and she's miserable and wondering what happened to Prince Charming and the fairy tale. 

This here is the most annoying thing ever and if i were to hate her for anything it would be this.

This is where they begin to covertly pick fights with you by crossing boundaries.  Then when you try to express your feelings, they begin directing the argument over to you being overly "sensitive" at them.  And then mine will proceed to say "i'm so done with this".

Thinking about this, makes me angry lol 

A steady 3-4 month cycle for me. 1st month was great, 2nd month was kind of stable but cracks are showing, 3rd month the seismic shocks are starting to rock the house and by the end of month 4 Tsunami was unleashed. This happened predictably 4 times - as you can calculate we lasted for a bit more than a year.

Another cycle I noticed was the 3-day cycle. Has anyone noticed something similar? For example when we were spending consecutive days together e.g. during holidays or if she would stay at my place or me at hers what happended was every third day there would an argument. Something would trigger her. Which meant I never saw her more than twice a week. Sounds familiar?

I agree with most of what you wrote here RedDove... .there were lots of red flags but they were small at the time.  Easy to overlook.  But they started the pattern of throwing me off balance, not quite understanding what he was doing (ie, I thought we agreed we had plans that night but now he claims he never agreed to that  type stuff).

It all was laying the groundwork for what was to come... .   and agree also that the cycle definitely depends on their stress level, their life circumstances as well as who or how many other people are waiting in the wings... . 

Love your quote about no longer being a supporting  actress on Nightmare on Elm Street!  Funny !   |iiii

 so glad I am not the only one. 4 months she told me one time she could only be nice for about six month then she wanted out.

This is SUCH a true statement of my exuBPDbf... .  he seems to need to release the rage when he's gone for a period of time without it.  It was his stress building up and he needed to get it out of his head.  He typically unleashes on me and then can go about his business - not necessarily a happy camper after that, just slightly less volatile. 

It was about 5 months for me too.   and after that things were never the same, oh sure he would have his loving moments but he kept deverting back into his splitting mode where he refused to Skype, and the strangest thing was that I sent him a set of paints because hes an artist and didnt have his paints because he lost them and the true victim that he couldnt aford to replace them.    He showed me a picture he had started where the back ground was beginning to be painted a nice colbolt blue,  it wasnt finished and I ask him if he was going to finish it and he said he couldnt finish it because the paints were from me.   and You know statements like this would come out at the most unexspected times.    It was like the paints were tainted now because they were from me.  I just think that was so awful of him to say such a thing, he wanted to all ways remind me when  he saw fit that I was no longer worthly of being to him what I was, I was like a person with a desease. Oh woe... the memory of how I hurt him so bad when HEEEEEE split on me, was just too much.  Which was a wierd contradiction because the coversation continued on as normal and he ended it with hearts and kisses.  What the heck !   He wanted me believig that he had been soo hurt by me, he will never be out of his dis repair because  I did it.                I didnt do anything.  except asked him to stop telling me I have a memory problem while laughing at me and making me feel as if I had some kind of defect.  I was tired one night and couldnt remember one thing,  did  I watch his video or not, after an 10 hour work day. He kept on doing this, putting me down because I have a memory problem, (which I dont) He kept on ignoring my request to stop because it was hurting my feelings. Well, he didnt like that! He took afense to my afense. and then went off on me the split had begun. The whole time is allways me who had this unworthly, not the kind of women he wants problem that would never change.  I was the one who hurt him with this. It was all about some sick sense of having to have all the control.   He was the victum and I was perp. and then he all ways had to remind me that he doesnt feel the same way about me as I do him.  I wanted to yell, then why the heel are you still being my friend and still talking to me,  with the xxxs and the hearts and all that sheet. The cut downs and the lowering statement were intentional to put me in a place of helplessness in reference to the All Powerful Oz. I was lowered by this statement ,made to fell much much less important to him and less valued. It was on purpose.    5 months later,  he split again,  said it was over, he blocked me,     He was the abusive one out of reality.  It was like he was just making stuff up, what ever he could find to shame me for being not the women for him.  Oh brother! and oh brother! to the cruel tainted paints I sent him full of nothing but love and the best of intentions.   sick, sick he was.    5 months--------5 months again.      Its over now, thank God! He was one sick willie nilly. 

And just to add to this, it was just over 4 months for me too. I didn't fully realise what was happening, but this was the first time I was given the ST and stood up. Because it only lasted a few days before I was split white again, I thought it was all down to a misunderstanding or miscommunication, so didn't realise I'd been split black, put it down to a blip and moved on. It bothered me enough to write several journal posts about how I'd felt abandoned and felt like ending the relationship because of it, but I rationalised it down.

4 months later it happened again, but this led to a significant devaluation that led to a massive great discard a month later, and then I was recycled and discarded on a regular three monthly basis. So my little schedule was:

First date in November

Discarded in March (recycled three days later) - 4 months

Devalued in July, discarded in August (recycled three days later) - 4-5 months

Discarded in November (recycled three weeks later) - 3 months

Devalued/discarded in February (recycled two weeks later) - 3 months

Devalued in May. I discarded to avoid the inevitable. Haven't heard from him since - 3 months

Each time I was massively idealised during the recycles, except for the second to last one where there was no honeymoon period and it just seemed to get stuck in devalue mode.

My one cheering thought whenever I get depressed about having split with him is that it's now the end of August, so bang on schedule for another discard right now. At least I'm avoiding the ___wittery.

At 3-4 months, but I feel like the honeymoon phase lasted around 6 months. 

Apparently I am an anomaly. The idealization lasted a year. Things changed when she inadvertently asked me to marry her at the one year mark with a ring and every thing, and I told her I was not ready. She COULD NOT GET OVER THAT... .even though as the years passed I proved time and again that I WAS actually committed to her... .I bought a house with her for God's sakes. By that time however, the break ups and recycling started and I just never really trusted her after she kept breaking up with me every spring. If she could have sustained a commitment for longer than 12 months , I would have married her for sure (because I actually did at one point want to marry her), however it just never came to be. Now I thank my lucky stars. No costly divorce and now I am marrying someone of true substance and no PD. Life is good again.  *)

14 months till we first met... .10 months since we starting going ou officially.
Perfect honeymoon all this time long (she loved me more than anything, she couldn´t face live without me, sometimes when we couldn´t meet for more than a couple of days she needed to talk to me by phone as she needed to hear my voice, sometimes when she was about to be a week or so without seeing me she would leave crying bc she didn´t want to be away from me... .) and then one day I dnd´t answered a message from her inmediatly (she was trough medicine competitive exam proccess, and didn´t do well enough a test so she was really sad... .as usually when that happened) as I hadn´t my phone on me.
When I answered her she said that I had failed her, I wasn´t there when she needed me... .and in a few days it was over... .and I couldn´t recognise her... .asking me for money from sth she decided yo pay for me a month before... .insulting me, didn´t needing to know anithing from me, blocking me on her phone... .acting in such a mean way out of the blue.

I just checked. It was 7-1/2 months before she found the first thing to start in on me about... .a sister of one of my FB friends friend-requesting me. But it was a good 1-1/2 years before she turned me fully black. She devalued her bio kids (who were my stepkids) first, then my parenting, then me. About 1-1/2 years in I wanted out.

J

A little over a year. We got pregnant 4 months into the relationship. After our Son was born and we had been living together for a couple of months is when things started to go downhill. Man, what a terrible experience! Looking back on everything at this moment just has me in awe. I can’t believe what I’ve allowed myself to go through over the years. The lows that I’ve sunk to and the behaviors I’ve exhibited. It’s weird, right now I don’t feel capable of those behaviors, but I know I am because I’ve already behaved that way. Scary stuff.

There was a  red-flag incident a month in that I waved off because she told me she was abused as a child, and so on. No apologies for what she did or said in that incident which included a lot of name calling but that was her excuse.

What I didn't realize is I failed that first test by taking her back. She knew how far she could push me. I had 0 boundaries and from that point on I'd get dumped or left for someone else every three months. It was like clockwork. Somehow we hung on for three years. It was extremely toxic but as I said, it was honestly every three months, sometimes to the exact day.

So did anyone see any red flags prior to the idealization ending? For both NPD and BPD nons. I myself dated a BPD woman and we started arguing within a month of dating. But it got really bad after 3-4 months then was just up and down until I left after two years of off and on with her. Someone mentioned love bombing from a narcissist? ,  would you mind elaborating? I have done research on the subject and just curious about real life experiences.

15 months it lasted, there were fights and some time apart within that and as she was cheating so couldn't see each other all the time I think it lasted longer and I probably didn't get all of her bad habits as she saved that for her bf. Then as soon as she went on work trip with another bloke first time in 15months boom she came back and was different, devalue, lies, discard. He's a married man well now left his wife for her. They seem to love the married men.

Anyone else had their BPD misses leave for older and to you a lower standard guy? I know more then just looks but dam. This girl 35 no kids and just left her long 12 year rel and me of 15 months for guy never thought be her type and he has kids.

mine was a month & a half before she showed her true colors, but it took her almost a good month to finally let me go & then she came back 2 months later after that & we were good for 3 months & now she’s gone. ( we were long distance & always female/female relationship ) so idk if that makes a difference. She wasn’t very confident in her sexuality

7 months after we started dating, so 5 months after we became official.

As I said with mine red flags started popping up in the first month, by month two we had a huge fight, then every month after that until we broke up two years later. Even on our first date she made a snide comment about the service at the place we ate at. But when she was nice it was amazing, there was a side of her that was so sweet and loving, I truly thought I found my soul mate. Every time we would fight or she would rage I would just tolerate it because I loved her so much and when she calmed down she was back to her sweet self. We had such a deep connection, I never felt anything like it, our intimacy was something that I don't think I could ever duplicate with anyone else sadly, it was just so deep, she reached a part of me that no woman ever has. Even the little things, like playing with my finger nails, or touching my face. The devaluing was hell, but the idealization was the best time of my life. I still miss it, but I know it would be worth all the rest of the abuse. She is probably one of the highest triggering symptoms of BPD, every week she would be triggered.

Hi, my rs was that of a close, short and extremely intensive emotional rollercoaster, but it was a friendship, no inimate realtionship. She didn't paint me black in the first four weeks.
It was actually me who realized that she was like poisen to me and that something was really wrong with her.
On die second and last date, she told me about personality problems and identity problems withou being specific, and I didn't ask, that was foolish of me not to ask directly.
Unfortunately, I didn't know anything about PD, NPD or BPD back last year.

I just wanted to get distance and get back into my mostly happy wife with a wonderful wife and family. I wrote a very long letter to her, explaining my emotions and basically poiting out her BPD and NPD traits without mentioning any of that because I didn't know what her problem was back then.
I think after receiving my letter, she started painting me black and contact ended after a few more SMS.

However, we met by accident again two weeks ago (last time before was May 2017) after she did the ST for two months. Before that she sent me a few SMS to see me, which I denied to do. I ran into her at a club, where she normally doesn't go on a Saturday. She put herself in front of me and started looking at me while I was looking at my phone. I don't have any idea for how long she looked at me before I saw her. When I saw her, I needed to look twice to realize that it was her, she was really almost staring into my heart trough my eyes. That was going on for minutes without any word spoken - very strange experiences. We continued doing that three times within 20 minutes, she got me a drink, she went to her friends for a few minutes and alwayes returned to my table to continue looking at each other.

I you didn't feel like talking to her, I'm sure we'll run into each other again, perhaps then we can talk.

My "r/s" was a very close friendship.

Went perfectly well for 2-2,5 years. Then everything changed.

In those final weeks before the clear devaluation, she began to tell me even more emotional stuff. She became closer than ever, but then things just changed. She changed.