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I'm having a problem with getting my feelings out (other than being able to type them out on this board, but often time telling the entire story is too long... .though I'm sure you've all seen my novel posts)

When I try to convey my feelings to uBPDh it never goes well.  Either he will listen and not do anything at all to stop his actions that are causing the emotions (except in that moment) or he will accuse me of being bi polar, not using the right tone, or my feelings not being valid.

I struggle with keeping in all the frustration, hurt, pain, sadness, anger, etc that I have as a result of his rages and dysregulations.

How do others cope with these feelings in a healthy way?  How do you let them out?

I know exactly how you feel.  When my fiancé screams, it causes me physical pain.  I've had ringing in my ears that has lasted for days.  So obviously, to me, she is doing something that is causing me pain. 

But I am guessing that is his claim against you, right?  That you did something to cause his emotions.  And even if his accusation is absurd, it's his reality.  And I am sure you hate being blamed for the way he feels, when there was absolutely nothing you could do about it.  In my case she was once furious because I had a couple of receipts in my pocket instead of throwing them away.  I was a slob because I put a receipt in my pocket when I walked out of the store, and me being a slob was causing her to be upset.  Makes no sense to you or I, but that is her reality.  She feels upset.  The receipt in my pocket for some reason annoyed her.  There was no way I could have anticipated that would upset her, and it's just so far in left field that not keeping receipts in my pocket won't solve her issue, because if she is really taking issue with that, there's no telling what else she will take issue with.  But her reality is that the receipts are an issue (as weird as that sounds).  I am doing something to cause her pain, and I hate being blamed for that!

My suggestion is to keep the above in mind.  pwBPD fiercely HATE being blamed for other people's emotions.  I've learned to try and express things in such a way to where it doesn't sound like I am accusing her of causing my emotions.  My first action is to think of whether it is something even worth bringing up, or just dealing with on my own.  Many times I decide it's not worth it.  And when I do bring things up, I know she hates when I bring things up after the fact, even if it is 30 minutes after the fact.  So I try to be mindful of that.  I'm doing much better about saying things in the moment, but that's been a tough thing for me to do because I am naturally more of the "careful action" type person rather than the "quick on my feet" type...   It also helps if I try and validate first:

"Sweety, I know it's very frustrating when the house seems messy and disorganized.  I do my very best to keep it clean.  I could definitely use your help in keeping it clean; I can't do it all myself.  I feel hurt when you make comments about the house when I do most of the cleaning."

 

Max,

Thanks for the reply.  Understanding the "reality" of a situation can be tough.  Understanding that another persons reality is different than yours can be even tougher. 

Lilhurt, 

We all know it. Changing this is not easy. It's a combination of

• accepting you cannot get much reassurance and validation from your partner



• taking care of yourself (self-soothing)



• maintaining healthy friendships outside your r/s

Step out if you can't take it... .Taking a shower with my favourite music usually helps!

Ha!  Sometimes I have decided to take a shower simply to be away from her negative moods.  I agree with this suggestion - self care.  Do something that makes you feel good.  I ride my bike to work just because the fresh air and exercise feels good, and it also takes 15 minutes longer :)

Hi LilHurt.

I am going to echo ziniztar here.
These are all necessary to take care of your own needs.

We are choosing to stay in this relationship, but our partner's validation of our feelings is going to be hit or miss at best and really more likely to be a miss if they are strong feelings. Does that mean we shouldn't let them know that we are angry, sad, happy or frightened? No. I think you should still express your emotion (without JADEing), but you have to decide whether or not you are okay with letting him have whatever response that he has. Your feelings are about you, not him. If I can keep that boundary with my uBPDw, I sometimes have a chance at saying what I need to without blame, and not getting as tangled in what my wife makes of my feelings.

It is really tough work, and I feel for you right now. Please do try to find an outlet with friends or family that can validate your struggles. No one deserves rage.