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Today was to be my 4th day of NC. I was feeling strong, until the morning attack started. my ex text that he was calling the police to file a report against me for stealing his property. The REAL story is that there was a mixup at our condo, and the property manager mistakenly threw away some of my ex's belongings that were in our garage. She thought the items were left behind by the previous resident. I already filed a police report for the missing property and the complex is reimbursing my ex for his missing property. My ex is well aware of this. I was horrified because I have never been in trouble with the law and I do not want him ruining my record. So, I felt it necessary to respond: "I already filed a report. The manager is supposed to contact me today regarding your settlement." He said, "still doesn't mean you have to ignore me, pieceofme. It's like I have to beg to speak to you."  He went on to say I'm a mean person and I don't care about him. Then an hour later he asked me to meet for coffee. I obviously didn't go.

I am concerned for my safety, as well as him going to the police with lies about me stealing his property. I already have a copy of the report that I filed, but is that enough to protect me? Even in light of BPD, I never expected this to get so ugly.

Hi pieceofme,

It's great you have the police report and were proactive about filing that.

Let's assume worst case (which I'm doubtful will happen).  He will file a police report saying you have his property.  An office may call or want to talk to you as part of the investigation just to gather the facts.  Tell him enough to establish that you filed a report already and that you had nothing to do with the items in question.  Once you've established the facts about what happened with the landlord, I think it's in your interest to say as little as possible without legal representation.  The officer more than likely would not have cause to arrest you or take any action whatsoever.  It's essentially your word against his.  What proof does he have you "stole" something.  Sounds like none.

Your ex could come back and perhaps claim you are lying in your report.  I know at least where I live it is possible to attempt to swear out a warrant before a magistrate and then you might have to come and speak to them.

If you are at all concerned it might go that far then it's good to consider legal counsel.  Talk to an attorney.

His tactics have served one purpose already.  Trying to make you fearful as if you've done something wrong and are in legal jeopardy.

This is like a poker game and you need to keep your poker face, and keep your confidence about the situation.  Again, you did nothing wrong and you have every right to carry yourself in such a manner.

I would separate out feeling concerned for your safety versus specific threats or things he's doing.  Is he stalking you, etc?  If you don't want contact from him at all then clearly spell it out to him.  If he violates that request document it and build a case for a restraining order.  That means you have to maintain no contact as well.

gtrhr, thanks for your thoughts. things have settled down... .for now. he got what he wanted by his actions - for me to break NC, which i unfortunately did.

i have told him multiple times to please leave me alone, please do not text me again and he doesn't respect my wishes. yesterday he told me he is trying to rent a house in my street. if this happens, i will seek a restraining order. 

more than anything else, it is absolutely disheartening to think that the man i still love so much is going to such great lengths to ruin me. and for what?

This is pretty transparent manipulation. His goal is not the property or the police report. His goal as you've pointed out was to get you to engage with him.

He is in a pull cycle and trying to connect with you.

my fear was that if i didn't give in and respond, he really would go to the police (even though he has absolutely no legitimate reason to do so). once i calmed him down, he said it "wasn't right" that i ignored him for days when he was trying to talk to me

i do agree he is trying to connect, but i'm not sure the reason why. i explained to him that he told me i was annoying and to leave him alone because he was over me. he said that was "years ago." i said, "actually, no that was last saturday," lol

Pieceofme -- when I read your posts, I see a wonderful woman (you) taking literally the words of a mentally ill man (your SO) and enduring a lot of pain as a result.

Almost none of what is hurting you so much, that he's said and done in the past month or so, is what it appears to be.

He's scared of intimacy and scared of engulfment and he freaked out about moving & moving in together.  But he's probably changed his mind since then.  You meanwhile understandably believed he meant what he said, which is incredibly shocking and hurtful.  So you've pulled away.

He has reached out for you in many ways since then but when your reaction is not immediately affirming, accepting and forgiving, it freaks him out again, and then he resorts to various hurtful actions and words to get you to respond or to try to achieve control over the situation.

I'm not saying you should get back together with this guy.  Only you can decide if you can deal with and want to deal with someone whose emotions work this way, and can ignore or not take personally the withdrawals and hostile distancing words and actions.

But the one thing I would urge is that you not take anything he is saying or doing at face value.  He isn't going to go to the police.  His entire goal is to get you to talk to him.

If you just pretended none of the painful stuff from the past month ever happened, and met him with a smile and with warmth and went on as if you had amnesia, you'd almost surely be able to reconstitute this relationship at least for the time being.

That doesn't mean he might not break up with you again or engage in other distancing behaviors.  That's how he copes.  And you probably have wounds that that exacerbates.  I certainly do.

In the end I wasn't able to overlook the hurtful abandoning-feeling actions of my ex.  I took him literally and I read rejection into his actions and it hurt me a ton.  Thus I was incredibly defended in my responses to him when he warmed up again, and so I killed his overtures before they could get off the ground with my reservations and my pre-requisites.

I have other reasons particular to my ex to think that the relationship was not as valuable as my addicted self feels that it is.  He has been with so many women and he makes us all feel the same way about him ... .I can't honestly tell myself anymore that I am as special as he used to tell me and make me feel.  For me, that's enough of a reason not to try to resume with him.

But your guy may be different and you may have better reasons than I to want to reclaim the relationship.  So the point of this post is just to say that I think you're inflicting more hurt than you need to on yourself by taking his actions and words at face value.  He is mostly trying to get a reaction -- in order to reconnect with you.