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I'm coming to the board today and posting because this is a tough weekend for me. Needed to vent a bit here where it's healthy, supportive and safe. My ex BPDbf and I went on our first date 4 years ago today (Saturday night) on Labor Day Weekend. I'm struggling today mostly because my friends and family aren't around. So, I'm feeling a bit bored, down, and alone. 

I ended the r/s with my BPD exbf back in June due to the lies and cheating. I am now approaching 2 months NC. Trying to look at the good/positive in that I've stayed strong and been working and focusing on me and my issues and my journey towards healing.

The sad thing is even if we were still together nothing would be different. I'd still be on my own for Labor Day Weekend. He typically would take off to his sisters. She lives by the ocean/beach. He invited me to meet her and spend the weekend 3 times during our r/s. I recall being so excited to go away together and meet one of his sisters (he has 5 sisters). He talked about walks on the beach, going kayaking, and taking me to a wonderful restaurant with lobster right on the beach. BUT, he "never" brought me to his sisters. After getting my hopes up many times he cancelled with stories and excuses. He wanted to keep me separate and away from his family so I couldn't compare stories and unravel his lies and deceit. The false and empty promises, lies and deceit are the things I'll never forget!

Thanks for reading/listening.

WOW Red Dove... .sounds like you are WAAAAAAY better off this weekend. No false BPD expectations to let you down.  I am alone this weekend too (no partner, no family etc) , but I have a friend visiting tomorrow and I am going to go hiking with another friend on Mon.

So I have planned fun things and what also helps me when I am down on a holiday or whenever ... .I sit down and write out a gratitude list.  I have a very small, simple life... .but I sure do have soo many things to be grateful for. Truly! I bet you do, too and it always lifts my spirits when acknowledge all the good in my life and try not to focus on people that have treated me poorly.  There are lots of good people out there, too!

Good for you for staying strong and doing what's right for you.

It took me a couple of tries to break up with a cheating bf before it stuck. I liked being with him, so I'd make excuses for his lies when we were apart.

I spent two years and so much heartache on him, and it was so hard not to keep taking him back.

Now, several years later I'm with a good, honest man who I'm in love with.

It gets better!

I so understand, Red Dove.  Holidays are difficult for me as well, because I know without a doubt he is partying his a@# off somewhere and hardly thinking of me.  I tend to keep a low profile at these times, but he was always more party, more party, and it hurts thinking he is somewhere schmoozing my replacement.  I was also always kept away from the family.  Even when he lived with me, he said "don't be surprised if I take off one weekend on my bike to see my son" about 6 hours away.  I was very hurt thinking, we are a committed couple - why wouldn't you want to take me there as well?  Others got taken out of town to see family who were fly by nights, but never me.  I am totally working on the damage to my self-esteem now.  Spending tonite with my pups and my screwdriver, and it is totally fine! 

Infrared, thank you for your kind words of support. You are right! When it comes right down to it, I didn't have to suffer through false BPD expectations and dissappointment this holiday weekend as I had previously in the past 4 years! I really like your idea of the gratitude list.  :) Thanks so much!

SeaSprite, thank you for reassuring me I am not alone in my experience and recovery! The kindness, knowledge and support feom the members are what I love about the BPD family here on the boards. I am inspired and given hope that you found a good, honest, healthy man!

TopKnot, I'm sorry you are having a difficult weekend and struggling as well. It's so hard and painful to watch our ex BPD's go from adoring us to devaluing and discarding within 2 seconds flat! My ex BPDbf didn't party. He was more of a boring, home body hermit. We went away on Memorial Day Weekend 2 years in a row. Paid for by me of course!   We stayed at a beautiful resort were right on the ocean/beach. BUT, he "wanted" to sit in the hotel room and watch T.V.! We might as well have stayed home! Thank you for sharing about being kept a secret from your exes family as well. I always felt like a dirty, little secret in his life. What a terrible feeling! I would invite him to all of my family functions. He "always" had an elaborate story or excuse as to why I couldn't go to his families get togethers! Thank goodness that's over too!

Hey RedDove, same here.

Last year at this time was the first "official" date (lol) and a few days after that became an item on my birthday.  Needless to say its difficult to stop that unproductive thinking; even though I'm better off both in terms of my mental and physical health from not being involved in such an emotionally abusive/tumultuous relationship, I still miss it and her... .not to mention the fact that she's out with the replacement/friends/whatever. 

I keep telling myself that she's disordered, reminding myself of the pain and hypocrisy and double-binds that characterized the r/s' pathology, and it helps a bit.  Hang in there.

Thanks Merm49, wow not only did we meet/date our exes around the same time, but my birthday is also in September! Happy upcoming Birthday! 

I was away on a business trip in Hawaii (I know, I was very blessed and fortunate for the opportunity!) on my first birthday we were together. My ex bf sent me an email on my actual bday whilst I was away. The subject of the email was "Love Letter"... .only it wasn't really about me, it was all about him! His wants, needs, desires, his troubled childhood, not being loved or wanted. When I recently re-read that email I felt and saw the same red flags  red-flag  red-flag  red-flag (a triple red flag) as I did when I first read it 4 years ago. 

I still miss my ex BPD bf too! I'm the lonely child with unresolved childhood issues. Believe my Mother was bipolar (undiagnosed) and abusive. I have been divorced for 14 years. I was NOT looking to date, or for a relationship. I had settled into a happy life for myself. My ex BPDbf came along and revived that deep seeded hope I had buried inside. I was vulnerable and delighted to be placed on a pedestal. I wanted to be the love of his life and to be soul mates. Things became very confusing when his actions didn't match his words. So many stories and excuses for his behavior!

I didn't find out until the end of the R/S when I discovered the OW and his cheating that he sufferd from BPD. I've had to do a lot of back tracking to put BPD glasses on the things that happened during the R/S. It's almost like rewriting the story. I think that's why my ruminations come and go in phases, and more so around important dates/events.

I'm an avid reader and have read many books on BPD, Abandonment, No Contact, Co-Depency, Stop Care Taking the BPD and end the drama, as well as the wealth of wisdom and information on this site. I'm almost 2 months NC and I have good days and bad days, but am taking it one day at a time. Allowing myself to feel what I must vs. burying my feelings. I am hanging in and will keep working on me and moving forward! Thanks!

To add to some of the "fun" of this thread.

I grew up in Hawaii (hence the name), and labor day weekend is important to my previous BPD relationship.  September 1st is her Birthday and plenty of good memories were made on and around that time.  I was sure that was always the case.

You are two months fresh so it must be hard.  I'm about 2.5 years out from No Contact, but it can still be hard for me during certain times.  You get frustrated and even angry because objectively "there was nothing wrong" and it was all in their heads and moods.  It frustrates me when I think about it as it feels like such a monumental waste in all that was put into the relationship (about 6 years).  It's not even healthy to dwell or think too much on it as it will just build on the negativity.

I wanted to toss in a post in support of you during a time where it might be really hard for you.  "we've all been there".

How about some more congruencies for you: my dad, four years ago, was diagnosed with NPD and high functioning Aspergers , which explains a lot about my childhood as well as present attachment patterns.  It's funny you speak about red flags... .looking back, stuff moved really quickly, she asked for and shared a lot of personal details (she's an international student from a conservative Muslim country where these kind of things aren't usually topics of discussion... .which I knew all to well from working in a neighboring country for the year and a half before I met her)--things that were of course used against me once she began to paint me black. 

Given my past and own issues with self-esteem, self-confidence... .the BPDx became my first real anything at age 25.  I went from almost no intimacy to being with her almost every day for 8-9 months, with stuff getting really rocky about halfway in.  Still, I vividly recall feeling like she unlocked a whole new universe within me: I was so excited and fulfilled, even pop-radio love songs started to make sense as I'd simply never anything remotely close to that before.  Then it got bad, like really bad, and she seemed to do her best to rub my face in her carousing once in the last couple months. 

Anyways, feel free to shoot me a PM anytime.

Hamakua, thanks for chiming in and for your support! I hope my post didn't trigger unhealthy memories for you.    Congratulations on being NC for 2 1/2 years, you have shown strength and determination! I hear you, 2 months NC is just the beginning. The wound is still very fresh. I understand about frustration and anger. I've been cycling through the stages these past 8 weeks. I really get what you are saying about there was nothing wrong. Most of the relationships we were involved in could have been very beautiful and special, IF (a big IF) our exes didn't suffer from a mental illness, BPD. The disorder always wins and I'm starting to see that fact more clearly.

Merm49, Wow, yup definitely more similarities! We are not alone. Which is comforting to know. I am sorry for you, that your first experience was with a woman suffering from BPD. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you. The good news, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet a healthy, caring, loving woman. Work on "you" right now like I am. Understand your childhood issues and nurture and care for yourself. That way in the future you'll be ready. Perhaps you mentioned it earlier... .how long we're you with your ex BPDgf? How long have you been NC?

It's horrid and cruel that your ex cheated and rubbed it in your face. It must be very painful.  My exbf didn't get the chance. I confronted him about his lies and cheating, he dissociated and said that we were never in a relationship for the past 4 years! I walked away, blocked him everywhere and went NC 2 months ago. Like I said, some days are good some are not. But I have faith in myself as well as the understanding and support from the BPD family here on the boards!

Went through the same on 4th of July.  It still amazes me after months of reading this board that I could have written so many of these posts.  This month is his birthday. Ugh

Hey - I just walked through the "meet the family" thing. Yes, they want us all separate, so we don't compare notes. I ended it this last month (I've had to end it a few times due to ... .well we all know the patterns). We'd dated 22 months (nearly 2 years), and I felt bad about myself, because he didn't want me to meet his family. I knew all their names, yet I was separate. When I ended it, after him telling me 3 different times he'd set up a meeting... .he finally did it, desperate to keep our relationship. He had to know we'd compare notes.   

So I finally met his sister, after ending the relationship, and him using THAT as his only key back in. And after 2 conversations, his sister confided that he had cheated on me with his ex during our relationship, and confirmed a few truths for me. I'm grateful for her kindness of sharing truth. But ... .leading us along, then forcing us to choose between trusting them and our gut telling us something off... .

I'm lonely today, and healthier for the uBPD's absence. You too?

Cocoon, thank you for sharing your experience regarding being kept away from your ex BPD's family. I agree, it was an awful feeling like I was good enough, or there was something wrong with me. Nothing was further from the truth. But, didn't know about his disorder at the time.

I am close to my family and I just didn't get it. He has a big family, 7 sibs and they are not close. Yet, during our time together he used them and his sons as excuses. I met two of his sisters, one sister (and her husband) which he lived with in the childhood home. His Mom passed away last year and left the house to the sibs. I met his Mom before she passed. We visited her at the house and the nursing home. We spent a lot of time at his house and at his trailer watching TV and him drinking=alcoholic. I'm not a drinker. His sister was cordial to me, but got the distinct feeling she didn't want to be involved in his affairs. She is very religious. I'm sure she doesn't approve of her brother traipsing about with his toys! Her husband died of cancer 5 months after the Mom passed.

Cocoon, It must have been a double edged sword meeting and talking to your ex BPDbf's sister. On the one hand you finally got to meet her. However, I'm sure it was very painful to hear what she had to tell you, the truth. Although it does sound like it gave you the final "push" to end it? I thought about approaching the sister he lives with. We live in the same small town and he (they) lives less than 1/2 mile away! However, I didn't want to involve her. I also realized it would not change anything. Would likely just have made it worse. 

I ended it with him as kindly and tactfully as I could after he disclosed his disorder. I texted that I hoped he got the help and support he needed (therapy), faced his demons, and learned how to trust and love. His last message to me was a text that said, "I want you to be safe and happy". 

This Labor Day/Anniv Wknd was very lonely and painful for me. He's very nostalgic about memories and the past. I thought he'd break NC (which was initiated by me) and try to make contact. Just goes to confirm reality, the disorder always wins! He's likely at his sisters at the beach/ocean. Not to be intentionally mean, but deep down I kinda hope he blew off the OW this weekend just like he did to me and she abandons him. It's been almost 4 months, so I know the idealization phase is long over and the cracks are showing on both sides!

Cocoon, how did you find a local support group? I was laid off from my career/job I loved 2 weeks prior to leaving my BPDbf. I don't have insurance and can't afford therapy. Thanks for your message and support!