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This has been the legacy of my r/s with exudbfBPD.  I just cannot stop thinking about him, the relationship that we had and also the replacement (who I recently discovered was his wife after knowing her in person for less than a week).

I have read about being in a state of limerance which seems to be about reunion fantasy, which I now believe to be absolutely out of the question... .but still the constant thinking.

I have been getting counselling for about 6 months which has helped a lot with seeing my part in the dysfunctional dance.  I have made huge strides in my personal development.

I only feel sadness for my ex and do not think I am caught up in anger for him.  I understand that many of the things he has done were part of the PD.

I am desperate to move on from this as I have found acceptance.

I have relapsed into drinking twice since our breakup and am concerned that if I do not stop the obsessive thinking I will relapse again just to get some peace from my own mind.

I would appreciate any useful ideas.

If you are in a position to meet someone new, that helps.  Just be upfront about what you have been through and that it may take a while for you to open up.

I've actually ended up getting very close to a female friend who I didn't know had feelings for me,  she helped me through my entire relationship with my BPDex and never once told me to stop being a selfish jerk by talking about it all the time.

She's fantastic and I'm having a good time exploring something more with her.

It's not a magic pill,  and it's fraught with risk due to my mind still being on the ex and a big part of my heart too sadly,  but in time, who knows.

Could be an idea to get back out in the game

When I broke up with my ex wife I went away and learnt to scuba dive.

It was something I had always wanted to do and the fact that I was learning something different and seeing so many fantastic sites took her off of my mind. Whilst diving I found a peace from her. Where once she was in my every thought she disappeared. I was more interested in how much air I had left, what my buoyancy was like and the amazing sites to even pay her a thought.

This was when I started to put her out of my mind.

Im not saying it was a quick process but it helped.

If you can afford it get away and do something you've always wanted to. If you cant afford that then plan a project, start exercising, volunteer at a charity. Anything that gets you out of the rut and stops you thinking about them.

Good thread, thanks! All ideas welcome. 

I've been ruminating a lot, can't help it. It's annoying, I want to stop now but it's not so easy when your whole lift turned out suddenly to be total make believe.

I've really been trying to use the opportunity - have been working hard to get fit and seeing results, this has been a really positive thing and makes me feel more positive too.

I've started a couple of new hobbies, and been very busy with friends.

I know what would really remove my ex from my mind would be meeting someone else, but this isn't the right answer - that's kind of how I got in this mess in the first place, my xuBPD targeted me very soon after a relationship ended, knowing I was ripe for abuse and manipulation on the rebound. I ended up getting over both of them after it collapsed. The right thing to do for me is to get over this nightmare myself, and be ready for someone else.

That said, I have done a bit of dating and its been nice - although when I had to reschedule one evening I found myself sending a long over the top apology, and she replied "it's no problem why are you apologising so much?" - I realised I was still walking on eggshells and was anticipating a mad rage in response! So meeting a few normal women is probably good for reminding me what it's like not to live a life of fear and trepidation and re-learning a healthier way to interact :D

I could have written this myself. This is exactly how it happened. At the start when the abuse started I was not sure if it was me being touchy, being sensitive because of the previous break or if it was her. So confusing.


Oh yes! Like a breath of fresh air!

One of the reasons I got so lost in the FOG was that she showed a lot of concern for my breakup, encouraged me to talk about it, then after the honeymoon used all these conversations against me. Said she now realised why it hadn't worked, I must have been the same with the last one, it must be all my fault, and so on. Once she even asked to meet my ex so she could compare notes. It was a vicious and calculated thing to do and left me reeling with confusion and guilt, it really broke me down very effectively and I lost all concept of what was normal/right/wrong etc. Really nasty and abusive.

Sounds like she just couldn't accept blame and responsibility for things between you. My situation was the opposite. She didnt even want to hear about her. I had broken up with my ex about 4-5 months before and had moved out about 2 months before I met my xBPDgf. She said that my ex was a stupid b___ to let a jewel like me go. That sounded strange to me. This was a  red-flag in week 2... .I thought, she barely knows me, how can she say that + I was annoyed that she talked like that about my ex - ok things didnt work out between us but she was a nice girl. Another story - I went to meet with my ex to pick up some stuff and she called me 6 times while I was with my ex picking up stuff. This was a  red-flag in week 3

Here I am in post about how to stop ruminating about pwBPD - ruminating about pwBPD... .

Just avoid this forum for a while :-)

:) Maybe rumination isn't such a bad thing for a while, get it all out and eventually you'll run out of things to ruminate over.

I actually remember now, my BPD ex saying about the ex when pretending to be sympathetic: "she probably had a personality disorder - lots of women do you know"

red-flag    red-flag    red-flag  !

Wow! This is telling. So she knew? Mine definetely knew that she had BP traits. She told me at the start 'I am like a chameleon, you know?". No I didn't know, I didn't understand what she meant by that, I let it go. It was almost as if she was giving me signals and I was consistently failing to pick.

Probably she knew on some level but couldnt face it.

She many months later said "I definately dont have a PD. Im just anxious and insecure"

Too big to face directly, but impossible to really deny - virtually every sign was there. So projection and denial instead.