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I'm wondering if those with BPD circle back after they've ended the relationship and cut ties? I'm trying hard on my end with NC and at this point my ex wants nothing to do with me as he feels I've disrespected him. I'm wondering if he'll circle back at some point? If so, I'm worried about being smart and strong enough to just ignore him.

I worry about this too, what I'd do if she ever contacted me again. I sort of doubt it will happen but a lot of people on here keep saying that they often do circle back. If my ex does I just hope I'm strong enough to ignore her. She is still in my heart but my rational brain says noo.

Bauxite it's so true, if only our hearts and heads were aligned!

Sorry I didn't catch the autocorrect Bauie

I've read more about them 're connecting than not.

                         I worry about this too,  but I kind of think he wont because I told him I thought he might have BPD and I sent him all these videos and info. on it too top it off.   I think this basically sealed the deal, I think I made him so mad that he decided to make his silent treatment to me permanent.

                           He had told before during the last split that is was over. I waited out such a painful period of torture until finally he did come back, but he was such a jerk to me even then, telling me he doesnt feel the same way about me ,the way  I do him.   When it was him who started verbally abusing me before the split, this is how it happened. I told him to stop talking to me that way, he ignored me and kept doing it.  He started saying really disrespectful things me and when I said something about it again he took it personally and went off on me and would not stop. Then he started getting irrational about something I had done. Every time I asked what it was specifically, he couldnt answer me.  I didnt want to fight with him to the point of saying Im sorry,  just to end it What ever I did Ill change I said. He said it was too late and inferred that I was now  like damaged goods and that now it was too late to turn back.   He was the one abusing me when I hadnt done anything.  But he was so sure that HE was the victim and that HE was the one who was soo wounded, which totally counted out how wounded I really was.  He was so irrational, it really scared me. Then he claimed that he was like a broken plate,that I broke! once broken it will never be the same again.  Then he unfriended me and gave me the silent treatment.

                        This is when I realized that something was wrong with him. And its remember this plus many other things that helps to straighten me out to know that I do not want to go back to this craziness ever again.   I think what hurts the most is realizing that the love we had was real only in spurts of time,  but over all it was mainly his need to use me to have someone there for him. He was too busy struggling with his own messed up emotions to really be able to love me or anyone for that matter.

                The silent treatment was a means of punishment and revenge for him.  It was evil and quite intentional. It was his way of having all the control in hopes of breaking me down which his ego fed off of.  There is no love there from someone that does stuff like that. I still fear he might try to contact me because he has come to believe that I would all ways want him back. Most likely why he has felt he can get away with silent treatment abuse on me.    The pain got so bad I wrote him my last email and said it was over for my self, from my side of things  and I meant it.  I said I knew he would never get help because hes too selfish.   And this is the truth.  Staying close to the truth is where I want to be. I did nothing wrong orginally,  He was verbally abusing me from the start, and I confronted him and he cracked, his ego couldnt stand it! How dare I point that out to him. All I wanted was the same respect I was giving to him.   I told him he was hurting me and he didnt care. Where was my brain?  I should have ended things right there.          He wasnt right in the head, it was alot to take in, I admit .   Im taking it in now, all of it,  and its helping a lot.   He isnt all there,  hes a sick person who needs help and I cant do it for him.      

                If he wants to still think hes giving me the silent treatment, it makes no difference to me.  I dont feel sorry for him either, that's all he wanted from me before and symphathy is what he got, if he really felt anything for me back, I wouldnt be sitting here writing this.

So he's not taking your calls or replying to your text messages? He's went totally silent?

@goingtostopthis, I could have written your post myself. Things were never the same when he realised I would always hold him accountable for his behaviour, and though his ST always broke me down, I always demanded explanations when it was over.

I also sent a final email after trying to reach out to him during his last silence and getting nothing back. I said if he ever wanted to talk in the future I'd be there, but in the meantime I was getting on with life.

Ironically I think that probably made him extend his ST. He now thinks he'll always have me there as a fall-back, but it works in my favour as every day that passes makes me less likely to allow myself to be recycled. I also blocked him on FB knowing that would be his first method of contact and if he tries to contact me and finds himself blocked he'll go into a foul sulk and ST me for longer, which buys me more time.

The things I've resorted to to get over this man. Honestly.

It's amazing how similar these posts are to my experience. I think of all the tactics ST is the most telling, its so immature which makes sense as they have the emotional maturity of a 5 year old IMO. I'm curious if its done with pure malicious intent or that they are so emotionally crippled that the thought of contact and actually talking rationally terrifies them?

I too sent a loving final email, thanking her for an amazing 5 months, wishing her well for the rest of her life and saying it would be nice to be friends considering how many interests we shared, no reply, and that's fine. She's back with her enablers. They treat her like the little girl that she is.

You know Bauie I'm not entirely sure it's either malice or fear. From listening to his explanations about his ST with others it seemed like purely part of splitting the person black. For example, he gave his 15 year old kids the ST as he was convinced they only loved him for his money. He could not be reasoned with over this and it was heartbreaking. To see the confusion and pain of his children - the memory still makes me well up. When he made his suicide plans during his ST of them, he arranged for his final salary to be paid into his daughters account. If he'd succeeded, imagine how all of it would have affected her. It still takes my breath away.

He was stubborn in his ST, he told me that. He also told me he had too much pride to break it himself and "lose faith" which is why I usually had to do it, or his breaking of ST was aggressive, not loving or apologetic until he'd established how well it would be received.

Emotionally immature in all ways. Awful.

Lose face, sorry. Not faith.

Do they circle back?

A lot do, as 1 member experienced even after more that 20 yrs.

Some don’t, exHFBPDw is a people cutter (that’s my terminology ).

In her youth she left in a typical BPD outburst her parents, didn’t want contact for a 9 yrs.( re-established only via her sister)

During the r/s of 30+ yrs, she threatened in outbursts to leave, but never left the house, nor didn’t get the response she “desperately” needed (pleas don’t leave),. I said you know where the door is… 

Look at their past behaviour, better the very 1st time (if you know, or are able to find out), that predicts the furure behaviour.

95% Of the time they keep tabs on you ... like driving by your house, looking at your Facebook etc etc

My exBPDbf used to stalk me. Now he found a new girlfriend and I pray he could leave me alone now.

Tater tot, Bauies : believe me, you should be happy if your exBPD is quiet and leave you alone.   

That seems to be the message of most around here, it's a good thing if you stay black to them. I've decided to block and stay blocked for now so I'm not tempted. I don't anticipate him reaching out again since he's using ST and I think would be too stubborn to break anytime soon.

Remember two things:... the blacker they paint you, the deeper the emotional connection was. Meaning watch your back for a Charm. Number 2. Don't let anyone tell you if they are more npd they won't come back, because they will.

That's quite a scary thought. Mine I think invented a whole new shade of black for me.

It's actually a bit embarrassing to me how NOT aligned my head and my heart were. I actually recall a few times when I thought "whoa, this is all happening a bit fast" but my heart replied with "But this is your true love, the one you have waited your whole life for" LOL

Silly heart!

Guys, you can trust she's talking about you to her new partner. I mean seriously do they go silent or no contact completely? I don't think so... I've read up on this disorder to much, and it almost always points to them never letting you go completely.

With as many failed relationships as they have, surely they don't hang on or stay attached to everyone.

They do tend to forget you, "lack of object consistency"... but you must understand, they do not have their own personality so they borrow yours. This actually lasts into the next relationship. If they deeply loved you in their own way you can bet your being talked about. My ex never truly let her exes Go. She told me she never talked to her exes after the breakup... but how would she know things they had done YEARS LATER? They keep tabs. Just in case they need you.

I agree. I got sick and tired of hearing about her exs. Same stories over and over again.

Some she spoke of with kindness and a look that was possibly regret. Others where with anger and a look of hate.

But she remembered them all. Well all the ones that weren't one night stands.

She does this because she is trying to break you. She will mention you I promise. And guess what? The exes she is talking about in her mind they were jealous and abusive. Those she mentions are painted blacker than black. And they are the ones she will contact again. And like me calling out my ex on lies and actions is equal to abandonment for them.

Judging by the posts here, my ex was atypical towards her exs. She was totally heartbroken when her "first true love" rejected her advances, they are still friends (in different countries) and she still has enormous feelings for him. Reading between the lines I think he keeps a safe distance from her.

The guy before me was an interesting situation. She was in a 2 year relationship with him when we met and she dumped him within a week of meeting me. They were still sharing a house while we were together which always felt weird to me. Whilst she didn't hate on him she had a shopping list of things that she thought were wrong with him. He sounded like a person with really low self esteem, mommy issues (he was terrified of his mom) was not her kind at all. She always said that he would have her back "in a heartbeat" and on our last day together said "He would never ever leave me" But of cause she left him in a heartbeat! I assume they are back together but here's the interesting part. She had suffered vaginismus for the last 10 years and had been in sex therapy for it. She had been unable to have intercourse with him. We were able to have intercourse within a few weeks which of course, in her mind, proved to her that "I was the one" On our last day together she mentioned us going to a friends with benefits relationship. I often think of how he must feel knowing that they were unable to have intercourse for 2 years and yet we were able to after a few weeks. And what if she has gone back to him and she is unable to do it with him? I really feel for her ex because she treated him like dirt (won't go into the details) but he sounds like the sort of desperado that would take her back.

And one thing I had to understand is not all borderlines act the same i.e. RAGING, CHEATING and so forth. But honestly, most of the people on here talking about their exes say they are undiagnosed BPD. Well... even if they are not BPD after all they are still toxic. And probably close to borderline. My ex only raged once. The rest was lies and secrets and not caring if I lived or died. The point is, yes they circle back. Mine hasn't yet technically. But does numerous drive by 's count lol

Whelp, he texted tonight after giving me the silent treatment for weeks. It's my birthday, and I got a brief acknowledgement of that. I'm shocked that he remembered, I have not responded.

See told you. And guys also if you carefully study your BPD person, you'll see a very clear pattern of behavior. Which in return will be a good predictor of the future.

Totally agree. They are creatures of habit. Their pattern is one that has worked and enabled them to survive as best they can. And as we all know they never change unless they hit rock bottom and even then some still don't.

I'm studying my ex. I've noticed some distinct patterns. She tried to hide them but she left some very private papers... they have taught me a lot about her.

You don't want them too. Trust me. Even if you think you do. You don't.

So what are we supposed to do to get rid of them ?

My ex stalked me for months (actually a year and a half) because he couldn't stand the fact he lost the control of the relationship. Now he has a new girlfriend and thank God, he didn't try to reach me.

But what do I do if he try to come back again and again ?

I though I was safe now.  :'( Any advice ?

See that's hard to say. I'll bet you money even though he's with his new victim he still thinks about you. Me personally, I don't think you ignoring is a good response because it triggers his fear of abandonment. The way you get rid of a BPD is to set boundaries and call them out on behavior. Trust me, once I started setting strong boundaries mine hit the road. And even though she left me she stalked me and give me silent treatment.

I have to say that my exBPDbf also went for good once I'd called him on his behaviour and told him it was unacceptable. The first recycle was due to me apologising, which triggered his own apologising. The second recycle happened when he saw an opening and again I forgave him. The third recycle wasn't so easy - I really did speak my mind with that one. So a fourth recycle hasn't happened. I just think I was perhaps too demanding and refused to apologise for anything I didn't feel I'd done wrong.

I did think he was giving me the ST, but now I just think he's lost interest and moved on. I've no idea if he still thinks of me or not.

I don't think stalking behaviour is part of BPD though - stalking might come from FOO or obsession, control issues or revenge. There's lots of information online as to why people stalk, and there are usually helplines you can call for advice.

Study's show some if not most people who stalk have a personality disorder. You can always tell if it's silent treatment or not. If he's driving by your house he's controlling you. Bpd's in my humble opinion would stalk faster because of abandonment fears. Even if they dump you.

Thank you for your answer. I thought the most important thing to get rid of them was to remain No Contact ? He told me he will always think of me and this is very scary, because it might be true. But will I have to deal with him for my whole life ?  :'(

No Of course you won't. But most of the time and from what I've been studying they will always own a piece of you. Ignoring someone just makes them that much more curious. Makes sense to me... wouldn't you feel better if you could tell him all he's done wrong. Cowards ignore and run. That's why BPD's run. Because they are scared. You tell that man what you feel and his shame will consume him. No contact is like leaving the door open. My ex didn't breakup with me, instead she disappeared. Big deal there because now she thinks she can just return. You must always let your feelings out. No contact and not talking bottles it up.

For me, and I'm really new to trying NC (and I did ignore a text yesterday), it's about ME and not him. I know that if I express my feelings or if i call him out on his behavior- it leaves me open to be hurt by his response or more likely, lack of a response. Right now, I'm being strong by not allowing his behavior to affect me, so i'm not going to open up to being on the receiving end of his behavior/actions/reactions, etc. Right now, i'm strong enough to ignore him and not be open to his recycle. If any of the above changes, i'll re-evaluate my stance, but for now the NC is best for me and where I am at. If he comes back, which he did, I'm strong enough to not care or engage in it.

It's honestly all in how mentally strong you are. Some people have to ignore. Some don't.

I totally understand, I think you are right. He didn't try to reach me for a while so I try not to think about the fact he might come back because he's a BPD. Unfortunately, you are right about the open door. For the moment, I just hope he'll never show up again.  :)


@Tater top : I really think NC is necessary after the breakup, you need to make some place for sanity and mental health in your head. Good luck :)

I think what I'm trying to say is, no contact is ok if you already told them "we're over" but don't ever just disappear. That's ABUSE even if they are BPD. I just really am the type to voice my opinion. But when my ex calls or drops in. She'll get an ear full.

The fact that he may still think of you isn't something you should worry about unless a) He is dangerous or b) you don't think you will be able to resist him/ not get triggered by him.

The old adage that time is a great healer is so valid when it comes to BPD relationships. This is why NC is so important in the beginning. Lets face it in the beginning we are all addicted to them so we need to go cold turkey and any bit of contact whether it be in person, phone, text, email or even just stalking them on FB feeds the addiction.

Hopefully he will leave you alone. The longer you are NC the better you will be able to deal with him if he does try to reconnect. I am now at a stage with my ex wife where I can spend the day with her and our sons and not be triggered or want her back in my life.

Thank you ! There is no way I come back with him. The thing is, I really don't know if he is dangerous or not. He didn't threaten me but he was so obsessive and impulsive. That's why I' m on this forum : I try to know if my life is safe despite my past r/s. Now it's been 3 years ago. He didn't try to contact me for 5/6 months. I still hope he could totally leave me alone now... .