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My SO used to go long periods without talking  and  always blamed it on a faulty/uncharged phone. Is this a form of  silent treatment? What excuses did yours give, and when did you realize you were being gaslighted?

Silent treatment is typically part of the abuse/manipulation/control mix. Rationing and limiting contact when I wanted to see her was something my ex used to do to control me after the love / honeymoon phase was over for her. Whatever works, they will find it and use it against you.

My ex was the master of the silent treatment. When we met he told me he went for years without speaking to his younger brother, and about a year without speaking to his older brother. He said his ex wife made him do it.

Lo and behold, when I was with him he gave the ST to me, his brother, his ex and his kids. Speaking to his family it's clear that it's just what he does. It seems that if he didn't deem it acceptable to become violent with the person, he'd cut them out instead.

So yes, first he blamed his ex, but after that he'd blame his phone, he'd blame me, other times it was just clear he'd split the person black.

He would also use withold sex which felt like a really similar tactic. He'd blame everything: tiredness, sickness, back pain - all legitimate reasons on their own but when it's constantly like that for 18 months you start to realise it's just another form of witholding. I'm sure it was to do with control. It was like he'd constantly try really hard to get me interested, then refuse any intimacy.

Just seemed such a similar tactic - it's all about denying intimacy, whether physical or emotional. He gave me ST when we split up of course. This one will last till his dying day, I've no doubt. He's very practised at it.

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When did u finally say "enoughs enough" and stop taking the bait?


What's the point though?  If you dislike someone that much, why not just end it? Why string the other person along? Twisted.

Oh how my BPDxgf loved her silent treatments.  The extents to which I had to go to get her to respond are ridiculous looking back. 

But here is what you have to keep in mind: While we suffer so much during these periods, it is very easy for them.  They paint you black and you don't exist.  I'm not sure whether they realize how much pain they are inflicting or not.  But it is definitely a means to an end.  To make you beg. Make you come back.  Make you obey them.  Whatever it may be. 

Towards the end I just stopped caring because I knew she would always come back.  So when her silent treatments became ineffective, she raged and manipulated me in other ways. 

But to answer your question, she didn't give any excuses.  She just did it.  There would be times that due to circumstance we couldn't talk on the phone, but only text.  We would be back and forth a mile a minute and she would just cut out.  Nothing.  Done mid-conversation.  It drove me insane and she knew it did.  It actually feels good to write these words because when I miss her it reminds me why I am better off without her.

Same here. She wasn't raging at the start. She used simpler, more effective i.e. covert methods of manipulation and punishment. What you described with you and your ex and the texts reminded me exactly my experience. We would be texting incessantly and then she would stop. I 'd wonder... .what happened? Did I say something inappropriate? Then she'd come back a few hours later and pretend nothing happened. Or sometimes she 'd come back and cancel plans we had for that evening or the next day. I 'd ask what happened she 'd just find an excuse - busy, etc. Something was there we both knew it but never came to the surface. I was in a position where I couldn't articulate what was going on. On the surface everything appeared fine but something wasn't right. That's even scarier and I think it created a helplesness in me when I lost trust in my mental ability to assess the situation effectively. It was so subtle it worked like a charm for her the first 3-4 months and it drove me to desperation.

I just could never understand why she was behaving so inconsistently. She was a riddle that was causing me so much pain and angst and that's another reason I got hooked up. Here is why... .

'Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.'

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

After a while I was walking on eggshels. I was spending hours trying to construct every sentence in texts and emails paying attenton to every little word. This comes from my childhood conditioning that everything is my fault/responsibility and I have the power and must do something to fix it reflecting a false sense of control over events. We were a match made in heaven, she thought everything was fault and I thought the same, for a while... .And then one day IT DAWNED ON ME! I will never forget that moment. I was ruminating over a text I just sent and thinkin of alternatives and it came to me like a revelation... .It didn't matter what I said or did. She 'd always behave like this in an inconsistenly hurtful (mostly and then occasionally rewarding) way. It was a double bind. A no win situation for me either way. She was uncontrollable and unpredictable and I gave up trying to control any outcomes that related to her/us and that's how I got my life and power back.  I decided not give her the ability to control my life anymore and this meant e.g. not making plans with her and just generally not putting myself in situations where she'd be in control and abuse it. Things started to get a lot better for me and then I wondered is this what I want for the rest of my life? Spend it stuck in a constant power struggle with this person? At any rate, when she lost her grip on me she started becaming nastier, complaining, crying all the time, raging sometimes, completely disprespecting boundaries, making scenes on the street etc. Once things became evident, they took their natural way and I am here alive (just about) to tell the story.

So true... .the intermittent reinforcement made me clearly very, very addicted to my ex via the trauma bonds we had created.  I can't even say I'm fully over the addiction - although I have reached the place of realizing that it doesn't matter what I say, it will be a no win situation for me with him no matter what.  The silent treatment is no longer controlling me... .   it's a good place to be... .   

Wow, StayorLeave, that's really awful. Mine loved to play games also, but I get the sense he enjoyed hurting me (NPD ?) I spent  infinite amounts of time constructing 'apology' emails just like you  too, freedom. How long he took to respond was proportionate to 1) whom he was with and 2) how much punishment I deserved. Always he would blame his absence on his faulty phone. I used to think I was crazy

Gosh, I hope I get there too. Good for you! 

Are you currently  low or no contact?

I knew something was wrong when I caught myself playing games back.  One night we were once again confined to texting and she was flipping out over nothing.  I was with friends and didn't want to be rude so I kept telling her I had to go.  Finally I decided to stop answering for 20 minutes or so because I knew it would drive her crazy and I didn't want to ignore my friends. 

The next day she sat me down and said, "This is your one chance to confess if you did something.  You disappeared and that is completely wrong for you to do to me."

I was blown away.  I did something that she did to me ALL THE TIME yet for me it's "completely wrong" and she makes an assumption that I cheated on her or something like that in that short time.  It didn't matter when I told her she does that all the time and I don't question her.

I have to be honest - I'm three weeks NC now (and damn proud!) but it hasn't been easy.  Over the three week period there have been hundreds of calls, texts, and emails from her.  I ignored all of them, but there is a little part of me that gets some satisfaction of giving her a taste of her own medicine with no response.  In the big picture I'm NC because it is the healthy decision for me, not a vengeful one.  And I do feel bad that she is suffering, feeling that she needs to talk to me so badly.  But there is that little part of me that likes the tables turned.

Double standards! It's striking how they don't notice the double standards. The hypocrisy is unreal.

Same here, 3 weeks no contact. For me this has been the 3rd attempt to freedom. The last time I broke up with her I went no contact for a month. During that time she wrote me a 20 page handwritten letter that I didn't read in order to protect myself. Then she called me and I foolishly picked up.

This time, I have received a phone call (that I didn't answer), a text (to meet and chat) and a ridiculously entitled email to which I have not responded. I think all these breaks must have taken a toll on her too and I will have a smoother exit this time. Nothing close to the first week together when I went to meet my ex and long-term partner before the BPD to get some stuff back that I have left at hers from some time ago and she called me 6-7 times while I was meeting her. Obviously I didn't pick up. I came back home called her and I was like 'what are you doing'? - She said she panicked. I didn't actually figure our what she meant. I was also a bit drunk and didnt pay attention. That was another  red-flag I ignored.

It has been easier this time. Something has changed in me this time.

And that's the only way to have a clean break and move on with life.  Work on yourself because, try as we might, God knows we can't change them.

This thread easily goes into my top 10 of BPD Family thus far. I first came to this board because of my first MAJOR silent treatment in May. I was in a complete state of shock and had never heard of nor experienced ST. Or had I? ExbfBPD definitely played the games of he needed to be able to reach me 24-7 (I'm really not exaggerating--he grew angry if I was asleep with the phone on mute in the middle of the night). I needed to answer the phone or text IMMEDIATELY while he played the little games of now you see me, now you don't. Really interesting stuff here about trauma bonding and their use of communication "torture." Do they know it hurts us?  YEEEEES! Do they do it on purpose? ABSOLUTELY!

Yep, my ex would go nuts if I turned my phone off at night. I'm a shift worker and one day I turned it off for a nap before work. When she finally got through to me she said I "You're killing me not answering the phone" we were out of contact for about 2 hours!

After she dumped me she gave me the SL. I think SL is a tool. If they had no feelings towards you why would it hurt to say an occasional hello like normal people might.

During silent treatment was when it really felt the worst.

The conversation that wasn't happening grew in its shadow.

It was when it was most apparent we had a faulty connection.

The quiet of NC has painful echoes of it sometimes.

But the intensity is fading. The questions mostly already answered.

Or slowly walked away from, null and void.

Ah the good ole silent treatment. Love that topic. IT was the silent treatment that really woke me up to the fact that something was wrong with this relationship beyond the normal tiffs. Before my BPDw I was the type to want to talk it out and make-up and not let things fester. I was the first to apologize even if I was not in the wrong. I just wanted to make peace. I never wanted to go to bed angry, you know, what the bible says. "don't let the sun go down on your anger". Honestly that meant a lot to me... .ONCE UPON A TIME.

After getting so much silent treatment from her, I began to get used to it; in fact, I adapted to it and it felt... .safe. I could cocoon myself. I always knew what was coming after an argument so I was at least prepared for that if nothing else (after all, I couldn't predict her rages). Now I am conditioned. IF we have words, I want to retreat. I learned after several hard lessons that it does no good to reason with them or further engage them; although I must admit that I falter some times.

I am cocooning myself tonight as a matter of fact. We had a disagreement about my proper reaction to yet another medical bill. It wasn't so much that we talked it out; in fact, we didn't. It was just her attitude and my refusal to engage her further.

Want to hear an interesting physical metaphor for being in a cocoon: a literal one? I met with my trainer/nutritionist who is confounded by my weight gain around the middle. I am an athlete who has good muscle mass, eats well, maybe drinks more wine than I should--but definitely was bathed in cortisol from stress with exbfBPD for over a year. After ruling out any other condition, other than adrenal exhaustion, my "doctor" said my body has created a cocoon to protect itself. So, he has shut me out, after I spent a year with him attached to my hip. Now he refuses to communicate with me--and my body is hiding under about 40 pounds of fat and fluid despite no change in diet and exercise. I am indeed cocooning!

ST (coming from a non-BPD) is what made me look for online foruns. He is uPAPD, though.

I used to apologize even if I didnt know why. And the ST got longer and longer. Lasted for almost a year, the last one. And then, contacting me as if nothing had happened. And at some point, I just didnt care anymore. Things changed. I told him he had abused me so much with that nonsense that he coldnt hurt a corpse anymore. I think he was shocked, cause it had always worked for him. He still uses it with many people, never tried it with me again, though.

I firmly believe you attract flies with honey, not vinegar. Why they are obsessed with the vinegar, I dont know... .Maybe some internal rage and a sadistic need to underpower others... .

Her text: I am still processing what happened last night in the restaurant

I need time to take care of some issues that I am becoming aware of.

I trust we will connect soon

Translation:  There is someone else, but I am keeping my options open.

If I get dumped or need an interm again, you ARE my person.

My exUBPDgf was a fan of "Forgot to press send" text.  She would disappear for hours, or over night, in the middle of a text conversation.  Then her reply would come out of nowhere, with the addition "Oops, forgot to press send".  It never really bothered me, and I wonder now if my refusal to play her game annoyed her.  She did eventually up the game, by asking me why I didn't text back inquiring to her whereabouts.  I told her I knew she would get back to me when she had time.  She interpreted that as to I didn't care for her the way that she cared for me.  That began another familiar game, the one I came to know as the Lose Lose Scenario.

She used to do such things. Suggest a few days or a week break to process stuff but I am not sure if she actually cheated on me. I know she was flirting with others in front of me to get me jealous and push my buttons. I know she chatted with one of her f**k buddies who apparently had a gf now but I never really established the facts around cheating. In one of the last times I saw her I noticed that a box with condoms that I remember with at least 5-6 unused ones was empty. Now she either placed them somewhere else or used them with someone but I never got clear evidence. I wish I could somehow find out. That would help ME to completely paint HER black. That is a red line in my book that I do enforce.