BPDFamily.com

Yesterday was rough for her. Let's see:

1)   Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Begged me not to go to the store.

2)   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between  extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Two days ago, her boss was awesome and her friend.  Painted black within a few minutes yesterday morning.

3)  Identity disturbance:  markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Went from being excited about a wedding to not wanting one over the course of the day

4)   Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Desire to drown her sorrow in junk food.

5)   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior***.

I don't recall any "I want to kill myself statements".  So that is good.

6)   Affective [mood] instability.

Yep.  Went from being in a good mood the day before to complete breakdown in a matter of minutes.

7)   Chronic feelings of emptiness.

This seems to never go away for her, but no specific examples from yesterday.

8)   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Claiming she hates my family and my parents for no real reason.

9)   Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

By the end of the day she just sat on the couch staring, expressionless.  Totally checked out.

The day started out bad.  She went to school early to try and get work done, secretary and principal scolded her for not following a copy room policy (it is an absurd policy - but still it is the policy).  This led to crying in the copy room, and then crying in her classroom after school.  Of course this got brought home to me, and I did my best to validate away.  And things were better for a little while until the email exchange with her stepmom regarding the wedding began.  Then it was yelling about how she hates the kitten, wants to just let the kitten out in the wild, how she hates her family, no longer wants a wedding, doesn't want to get married, hates my family, blame me for pushing her into a wedding and not listening to her.  I went into another room for awhile and did my own thing, but at one point I was contemplating a safety plan for her (such as suggesting she call a crisis line or her AA sponsor)

She did calm some before bed and told me her step mom wrote her back to apologize.  This morning she claimed that nothing else mattered to her but me, said she didn't want to go to work and felt like quitting.  As of the wedding, the last I heard from her on that last night was "I DON'T WANT A WEDDING AND DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"  No apology since, so I am wondering if I should hold her to that when she wants to discuss marriage or the wedding again.  Or maybe just recognize she was dysregulated and let it go. 

As you have noticed, this issue will and can change multiple times a day depending on how she is feeling.  Feelings equal facts.  Happy with you, marry you. Mad at you... .marry... .YOU!  Never!

Don't think it will go away after the wedding.  Then it becomes "I want a divorce!".  Our entire relationship, this has been the deal (17 years).   In the last 24 hours my dBPDh went from "This relationship isn't working.  We should just get divorced."  To "I love you more than anyone and you are the most important person in the world to me."  Yeah, insane.  His justification is that he feels like I am unhappy and don't love him, so he says that he wants a divorce.  So much crud to deal with in a relationship with a BPD.

Obviously I am hurt by the words and the back and forth.  But I also know and accept this is BPD, and that is unlikely to change.  More than likely she will be back to planning a wedding in a day or two without an apology or acknowledgement of last night's behavior.  My thoughts are - do I bring this up now knowing that this will probably not change in the future, or do I just learn to accept this as part of BPD and detach from it?

For us, we are working on getting down to talking about the real feelings.  That my dBPDh is feeling shame and fear, that way he stop the threats.   The irrational behavior comes from fear and shame.  He is more likely to get what he wants, which is closeness and reassurance, if he approaches me with his feelings.  It isn't going to always work but I think with practice it will get better.

Well, she called after work, on her way to T appointment.  I asked her how today went, she said much better.  That's good.  She said she didn't get a chance to talk to her principal yet, so I anticipate some anxiety there.  So I don't fear the same melt down tonight. 

But in true BPD fashion, her tone and language was as if last night was no big deal.  I'm glad she is in a better mood, but last night WAS a big deal for me.  I still feel exhausted, on edge, confused.  And I bet she comes home from T, never apologizes for yelling, calling my family donkey-holes, saying she no longer wants to get married, etc.  I bet she just goes on about herself.  And I don't think I will bring it up unless she says something.  I could use a night of peace and quiet if I can get it.

If you invalidated her you might've got the whole 9.

Unfortunately even if you did... .there is no prize. 

Guy, I really admire your ability and patience of being able to go through all these living with a BPD. May God gives you spirit.