BPDFamily.com

Having been active on this site now for about ten months, I've seen mention of this topic, often conflicting. My BPDw was arrested for DV on me over a year ago. Then things settled down, then began escalating about six months ago where she was raging, throwing dangerous objects, threatening to call the police to accuse me of rape and assault, etc. I had to exit quickly. Others have said there was no violence or rage in their relationships. I'm wondering what the consensus is on this subject.

Hopeless - we talked to each other on some posts a few months back on the Staying board.  I'm broken up and NC 3 weeks now.

In my particular situation there was more rage than violence.  I'm 175lbs, she's 110 so she tried to control me emotionally rather than physically.  Anger outbursts.  Silent treatments.  Humiliation.  But lots of rage in general. 

In my naivety I tried to talk to her about it to change it for the better.  The second I used the word "rage" guess what happened?  She raged.   

From my reading I think you will find it varies by r/s but every pwBPD tries to manipulate or control their SO in some way or another, emotionally and/or physically.

Hi StayOrLeave15. Kinda weird that we now find ourselves here. Or then again just the natural outcome of living with a BPD. I split about three months ago and have been NC (except for lawyers) for about two months. I was 185lbs and she was 112lbs, but that didn't stop her from jumping me during one of her rages. Then she had the nerve to call the police and they arrested her. Three recycles and I had enough. Took every ounce of courage to walk away from nearly 30 years. I hope you're hanging in there and great to chat with you again. Just wish we had all met under better conditions than this horrible disorder.

Weird but for the best.  These boards have been my savior.  Without them I would probably still be gaslighted, dragged around by her on a leash, and made to think I am the crazy one.

Every day is tough but I come here each night to remind myself why I have to be strong.

I feel for you man.  I can't imagine 30 years.  I remember you said "She was your jailer and your house was your cell" if I'm not mistaken.  I was only in for 7 months but it feels like a lifetime.  I'm glad I got out when I did but I know you'll be able to get back on your feet.  Truly a devastating disorder and most of the population has no idea what it is... .

I agree that it goes person to person, situation by situation.

In the r/s I was in, which was a few years long, she was physically abusive to me a handful of times. If it came up later she denied or bragged about it. I reacted defensively once and never heard the end of it. Raging and other ways of acting out were much more common for her. Withdrawing. ":)on't touch me." She also broke some of my stuff, hid things, would kick me out of her car to make me walk home... .She said women are victims, not men.

She also had physical altercations with other people. While with me, and in the past. Exes, friends, at her job, and with her family. Due to her being out of control, although to hear her tell it, it was always someone else's fault.

Same here. I never heard the end of it after one of her aggressive attacks.

Since the split I talked to my SD on a couple of occasions. Heart to heart. I validated her and she's split black by mom and mom's side of the family. We're in the same boat. The two best people and both outcasts with family and friends. She was recounting horrible physical altercations between my ex and her boyfriends.

My heart went out to SD for witnessing this as a young child. I felt sadness for my ex as well because she doesn't understand she is mentally ill. She hurts people around her and herself.

According to Lundy Bancroft in the book 'Why does he do that?', a mentally ill abuser has two separate- though interrelated- problems.  Their value system is unhealthy (the abuse) AND they have a mental illness. 

It is hard to sort it all out.  For me, the end result is that I was abused, doesn't much matter what caused him to abuse me.  Only that I have to take care of myself now and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I just finished reading the same book, probably my most difficult read, but helped me so much along with all of the answers and wonderful people available on these threads.

The Lundy Bancroft book was incredibly helpful for me.  Anyone, particularly a female, being abused should read this book.  My ex was raised in a physically and psychologically abusive home with 2 brothers.  My ex is a very physical guy, very attuned to be prepared for any attack at any moment.  In high school, he had to be separated at lunchtime from some others (unsure who) because he got into so many fights.  Now, he is a total gun nut.  And that isn't meant as an anti-gun statement.  It's just a description of who he is.   His rages escalated to the point that while he never hit me, I did get scared enough to see a domestic violence counselor as well as my therapist.  The DV counselor said that if I were to ever move in with him, he would undoubtedly become physical.  

Because of how intensely angry my ex is and how out of control he can get, I do wonder about what other overlapping disorders he might have?  Last intense rage that came my way, after coming to my home to rage at me and then going home to his house, he mistakenly shot a hole thru his couch... . and that "woke him up" briefly.  He was horrified and extremely apologetic the next day to me... .  He didn't know the gun was loaded.  He was clearly not in control.  THAT scares me.

Rage and violence define my ex.  

As Pingo said... . it doesn't matter WHY someone is abusive... .disorder or not, I don't deserve the abuse.  No one does.  

And also as Pingo said... . I have to take care of myself now and make sure it doesn't happen again.

Mine was also brought up in an abusive home, his Dad beat the crap out of him and his Mom.  He was also a fighter in his younger days since he was a kid, fighting anyone who got in his way, I think it was like a sport for him.  He doesn't fight anymore but always ready, prepared to if need be, just waiting for someone to cross his path.  And also a huge gun enthusiast, it is his passion!  I did live with mine, he did scare me and I think it would have progressed to physical violence if we kept going the way we were. 

Mine too - he grew up seeing his dad assaulting his mum. When his dad left, his mum suffered badly from depression and self-harm, and just emotionally detached kids so there was significant emotional abandonment. He grew up in a poor area where you were nothing if you couldn't fight. He loved fighting though and took great pride in it. He'd attack people if they showed him any aggression whatsoever, and had a belief that he had to attack as hard as possible to make sure no one messed with him again. In his way of splitting the world black and white, I think he saw this division between good and evil in the world, and would see himself almost as a superhero, attacking the baddies to defend the weak. He became a police officer, but was even too much for them and asked to leave due to brutality.

Similarities here too.  My ex had a reputation as a 'hard man' when I met him, although he told me that he had learned that violence did not solve anything.  That didn't stop him being violent with my son though.  He also had a couple of guns, although I never saw him use them.  He did boast that he had shot a dog once because it bit somebody and also that he had shot (but not fatally wounded) a man who had made a pass at the wife of a friend of his, when he was a teenager.

Funny thing is, I used to tell him that I was glad I hadn't met him when he was younger because I would not have liked him because he was a thug.  He actually was still a thug when I was with him, he just hid it well!

The similarities are really interesting.   Mine too saw himself as always sticking up for the underdogs.   Defending them from evil.  And mine too almost joined the police force.  He says he interned but then decided he didn't like it... .  I now wonder if there was more to that story on why that didn't work out.   

Also... .always always always prepared for any potential attack.  Living in a 1200 square ft home in a nice town but always has multiple hand guns and rifles strategically placed in every room in the house.  Just in case... .

I was caught totally unprepared. My BPDw just jumped me as I was trying to exit the house during one of her rants. I mean it was totally unexpected and she started talking in a different (almost demonic) voice. For 24 years prior thereto, not even a hint of violence. I guess the thought of abandonment just took over and she physically raged. Go figure... .what a messed up disorder.

I did see violence in throwing furniture and then remorse.  Also know at one point, the teenage daughter ran to her apartment and locked him out while he was banging on the door.  God only knows what went on there.

A week before I moved... having been split black 7 times, she was giving it one last blast... she needed money. Honey for money. While in the middle of sex she bit my lip so hard it bled badly... .I got up and left. She blamed me for leaving... .not caring that I about had to get stitches... .and she punished me by ignoring my birthday two days later... .that coming weekend a few weeks back... .she wanted me back... .i caved.  Then I moved... .on the ride south she said she loved me now that I was gone. And she missed me. I called her a week later... .she said she never said it. I showed her the text. She said why are you sending stupid old texts... and finished by saying ... .no, she didn't miss me.  I haven't spoken to her since. Fog is clearing... .yeah they are violent for no reason... .