BPDFamily.com

Without going into details, my BPDw is always asking me to defend her when my father does something or doesn't do something that she expects.  She has asked me in recent years to contact my father and actively defend her to him.  I think the issues are very petty and she's just overly sensitive and I don't do what she asks. 

The real issue for me, though, is that in these situations in the past, I have defended her a number of times and every time she doesn't remember or she remembers and it wasn't good enough b/c (fill in the blank reason).  She's even gotten furious at me and my family when I told her that they were critical of her and I defended her.  These are things that she always says that if I just did <X>, she would be happy with me. 

Well, me doing X never seems to make her happy with me, so I don't trust that going out on a limb for her and talking to me Dad about his behavior will make any difference in how she feels about me.  Given that I think she's BPD, should I tell her that I just don't trust her because she's never responded positively in the past?  I haven't really given her a good reason recently as to whey I don't defend her.

There have been some other similar threads lately about dealing with inlaws... .very good information and things to think about.

Here is my take... .for what it's worth.

In any relationship... playing telephone are making yourself responsible for another actions... .is generally not a good place to be or thing to do.  Because usually the party asking you to do something doesn't want "the talk" to happen... .they want a behavior change.  This puts you in the position of pleading the case of someone else... .to someone else... .  It's odd when you think about it.

I urge everyone to consider... .why won't they just talk to the other person directly and leave you out of it? 






What do you say when you refuse?  How does what you say compare to what you have learned in lessons and tools?


So... .likelihood that this will change in the future?



What does this look like... .describe some times when she was "made happy with you"



What does responding positively look like?


Anyone else have similar situations that the successfully navigated?

Answer:  She sensed that I wasn't going to comply before I got a chance to talk to her and she blew up.  The communication had been started by her via email and I had validated her feelings (via email) and said lets talk about it tonight.  I had planned on asking her if another specific solution would be acceptable after asking advice on these forums.  By the time I suggested it, it was really too late and she rejected it anyway.


Answer:  Not likely.
Answer:  We had a money issue recently, where she was very insecure about a future possibility of me inheriting money and how I would handle it related to her.  I reassured her that she would be treated fairly essentially.  She seemed satisfied with my answer and happy about it.  She said she appreciated my gestures.

Anyone else have similar situations that the successfully navigated?[/quote]