BPDFamily.com

I mentally made the decision to leave/divorce about 2 weeks ago.  Since that time I've been getting my ducks in a row and lining things up, so that I have my bases covered when I do leave.  Since that time I know I have been more distant to him and have mentally checked out to some degree.  But in that two weeks he has suddenly turned into super husband.  He has been organizing date nights, suggesting a weekend away, signed us up for family pictures... .all things I have been trying to get him to do for years, but he had no interest.  Now when I don't have any interest, he is suddenly wanting to work on our relationship and put all this effort in.  

I guess my question is, do I still go through with things now, by filing for divorce?  Or do I wait until things cycle again and then file?  I still feel this is the right decision and feel that this isn't really a permanent change... .but man is he making it hard to do.  Have other people run into this also?

The headline with the original question has changed making my reply redundant so any moderator, please delete.

With 3 children and a long difficult road ahead, its the right question ask.

I've noticed that you have not posted or worked on the staying board where the tools are taught and members do a personal inventory on their own contributions to the relationship problems.

Do you want to give that a run?  See if it helps?


If the decision is made - exiting in a time of peace makes more sense.

I have spent some time "lurking" on the staying boards.  And I have been working on myself in Therapy and ways to "manage" living with my uBPDh.  However, he refuses to go to therapy, refuses to admit he is abusive towards me and the kids.  So I guess that's more why I've been on the undecided or leaving boards.  By the time I even heard about BPD, I was so frustrated with our relationship.  Having been kicked out of the house several times, sworn at repeatedly, or having food thrown at me.  It is getting old trying to explain to the kids why I wasn't at home or why daddy threw food at me.  And having my uBPDh go off on the kids for totally trivial things... .its just getting to be too much.

As much as I wanted this to work, I've been trying for 8+ years and have felt little to no reciprocation by uBPDh until recently.

This is what they do.  I've had the privilege of seeing it unfold a hanful of times when I was ready to leave my then-wife.  When she sensed I was checked out, suddenly the switch flipped back to the on-position.  She was sweet.  She wanted me around.  It felt like a mutual relationship.  She suddenly was interested in me and kind and just wanted to be close to me.  :)uring one of the times, she even promised to go to therapy.  As soon as she knew she "had me" back, that my heart was back with her, the switch flipped back into off-position and she controlled the relationship all over again.  He will keep doing this to you over and over and over again forever.  It is a trap.  His abandonment fears are being triggered, so he's going back through his courting ritual in order to gain control of you and the relationship.  

If his changes are truly sincere, and if he decided to get help, it will take a long time... .at least a few years.  If he is serious about it, then he will put in the hard work for himself and for your relationship.  And if that happens, you can always remarry.  IF... .right?  Deep down, you know he would never committ to something so long, am I right?