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Is there anyway to get a BPD to re-engage or does it only happen on their terms? Just curious. 

To answer your question it happens on their terms. If she has a need, she will re-engage. A pwBPD can't control their defense mechanism of splitting. I've been split black for two years and I can use tools like validation, SET etc but I am still black. She has no control of splitting either way, if she has a need then she is nice and she'll engage me. But only when it's a narcissistic need for her. My ex is more NPD / BPD. It is a serious mental disorder.

Are you asking because she is radio silent with you?

No shes not radio silent completely shell text like once a week about something to do with her needs. I got a nice big dose of communication yesterday that really hurt and resulted in an anxiety attack. I stuck to my boundaries this time and didnt fulfill her need as it has to do with her opiate addiction. Shes emotionally dysregulating atm. Telling me shes in physical pain from work(emotional pain) and cant sleep.(night terrors from past trauma) I assume shes just getting worse as the first time we split the replacement didnt work out she called me a wreck and we recycled. Now i can only assume my last one didnt either shes probably lower than low. Maybe shes numbing it because shes realizing its her as she even told me she hasnt been alone since 13 and is always hopping from guy to guy because it never lasts. Probably cant handle that kind of an epiphany. Mines also an NPD/BPD hybrid. Major waif as well.

My question is this... Since i didnt fufill her need this specific time can i expect no more communication because in BPD land im not being helpful therefore not reliable for future needs or will she respect me more for my boundaries especially since its for her well being?     

I also wanted to add if its at all possible to get to a point of normal communication without the selfish needs?( just casually sharing/talking and catching up)

You know her best. Having said that, in the r/s she didn't have boundaries going in? She has difficulties with boundaries and she's at the emotional maturity of a small child. A small child often flails against the parent's boundaries. If you want to have space from the chaos, you need to maintain your boundaries and defend them. She will test them from time to time. I laid down serious boundaries with my ex. As an example, she knows to communicate by email and I won't accept calls or text. From time to time she will call or text but I don't respond. She does X, I respond with Y. In this case no response.


I can't help you here. Maybe another member with more experience can. I have kids with my ex and parallel parent. Communication is very low. I have been using SET when there is a need to communicate to inoculate her triggers. I'm split black and it does smooth things but not always. Maybe in several years I can be at a BBQ when she's present.