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I have been LC with my mother after a blow up she had over a year ago.

In that time, I have been back to therapy to help me cope.  I have tried very hard to just let it go and move on.

I had been reaching out to her, as her primary complaint was no one cares about her and no one asks her how she is.  I contacted her the day her husband was moving out to see how she was.  I contacted her after I saw her post on FB she broke her foot.  I have contacted her about other things as they have come up.

Her responses are either limited or she will outright ignore me.  The conversation seems to start and end with me.

So, I gave up.  She was complaining about lack of communication, I was reaching out, asking how she was, etc, and she was shutting me down.  I did what anyone would do and quit trying.

She also stopped "liking" pictures of my kids on FB, or commenting.  I continue to like and comment on her stuff.

Our last conversation (text) was about three weeks ago.  It started with me talking to her.

Yesterday, she posts on FB about all of the woes she's suffered in the past year, which are a lot, I agree, but one was referring to me and how she lost touch with me because of lack of communication.

And all her friends and our family friends are all telling her how strong she is and how sorry for her they are and I want to effing LIKE the post.  She knows I am on FB and I can see it.  I am sure she did it on purpose to get to me.

I also would love to comment on it now that it has lots of comments that I AM RIGHT HERE, MOM and let all her friends get the notification and see that.

But I know I can't take the bait.  I cannot take the bait.

I hate that I know she is constantly looking at all my stuff on FB.  She is a complete stalker and I know she's looking at all of my pictures, etc.  If I defriend, limit her access or block her, she will know and she will know she got a reaction out of me.  But I hate allowing her access into my life knowing she is this way.

I don't even know what my question is.  I am so angry.

I say block her.   Its just Facebook. Maybe note on her Fb post that you are available if she wants to call you ir write you a letter but fb is not the place to hammer out family issues.   fB is a terrible trigger for most people.  You keep rewounding yourself when you see her posts and she does the same with yours.   

Hi Fremont.  I would be angry too.  I hate childish games.  I read some of the posts people make and I am astonished.  Your mom is playing victim at your expense.  If you really feel strongly about not blocking her another option would be to unfollow her so that she does not show in your news feed and that way you can decide if and when you want to visit her page.  Maybe wait until you have a glass of wine in your hand if you do visit though    If you do not want her to see what you post, then put her into a group on her own and every time you post a picture or write something you do not want her to see, change/check your privacy settings for that particular post or picture.  Also, make sure your settings are such that friends of friends can not view posts on your page in case a mutual friend decides to comment or like a post of yours.

It is hard enough to deal with someone who plays victim but when they drag you into it  too, well, it is frustrating as hell.  I think you are smart not to take the bait so good for you. 

Fremont,

I can completely relate to your situation. My BPDm uses FB as her only means of socialization, and she used to leave a lot of unwanted comments on my page. Finally I just restricted all access to her without defriending her, so that she cannot see any more of my posts, pictures, or information. An hour after I did this I got a call from her wanting to know "what was wrong." Well when I pulled a new one and actually told her that I did not appreciate how treats me and felt the need to restrict information about my life from her (in the past I would just mumble a "nothing, just trying to protect privacy bla bla", she turned ice-cold, told me to just de-friend her, and promptly hung up. I haven't heard from her since.

From what you've described, it sounds to me like your walking on eggshells on your own FB account, giving her power even there. I say block her and see what happens. You might find it - as I did - incredibly freeing.

And I totally get your pain about your friends and family chiming in on her status about losing contact with you. My mother has been bashing me to my best friend's mother (who I always considered a second mother) and anyone else that would listen since I was a little kid. It is only recently that I have started to evaluate why my friend's mother never stood up for me, and why she continues to listen to my mother rants... .but I guess that's another topic for discussion.

Rambly reply short: I get your anger and it's totally justified. If your intuition is telling you to block her and your FOG is telling you otherwise, go with your intuition.

I think there is a lesson here. Do you have the power to change whether your mother is happy or unhappy? Do your actions change the way she sees herself, or you, or the world?


If you had to choose between your mother's possible feelings and reactions, or your actual feelings and reactions, which one would be more important to you? What do you need?

Your mother is who she is. She is going to behave how she is going to behave, and that's not something you have the power to change. You do have the power to take care of your personal boundaries (whatever they may be). If you would prefer not to, that's fine, too... .however at that point it does not seem fair to complain that someone else is infringing on them. This workshop is always helpful for me when I am thinking about my boundaries: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries).  Maybe it will be able to help you also.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Thanks for the replies.  Today, she posted a completely passive-aggressive thing about how sometimes, you just have to smile, look back, and toss a match on that bridge (referencing burning bridges).

Clearly I am still very much in denial about how or why a mother would want to continually hurt her child this way but hope to eventually find peace and move on.  Today is not that day.

Fremont, I am sorry that your mom is still playing these crappy games with you.  It is hurtful and can leave us reeling when they do such things.

The thing is though, this is not about her hurting you.  Well, she is hurting you, I don't mean that.  I mean she is not thinking I want to hurt Fremont so I am going to do this to her.  She is more likely doing it from a place of "I am hurt and I am posting these things to make myself feel and look better".

As hurtful as her actions are, they are not about you.  Remember, this is a disorder of emotions and they have no stable sense of Self.  They can not face their own pain and must project the parts of their Self that they can not tolerate.  BPDs are great at projecting.  She is in so much denial and projecting so much that she can't even see *you*.  She does not realize it of course, but whatever she may be attributing to you that is prompting her to post these things are in actuality the bits of herself she finds too disturbing and too painful to acknowledge.

Her actions will still hurt, but please do not take such things personally.  Our parents have never actually seen *us*. 

Hang in there Fremont.   

Thank you.  That is a very helpful perspective.

This. So much. It's my personal mantra. "It's about her. Not me. It's about her. Not me." Repeat ad nausea.

(It doesn't totally take the sting or hurt away but it helps.)

Why do BPD diagnosed so often speak in such platitudes and metaphors? It's like they are living life by someone else's one liners.

This all sounds beyond frustrating. I can't imagine continuously reaching out for love only to keep getting hurt. The sad fact is that she probably DOES want to hurt you as its part of her disease.

I would probably block her if i were you. But maybe you will find better coping mechanisms that work better for you.

Many hugs to you.