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I'm 14 months out of my r/s.  My ex contacted me recently, and I felt that I was in a place where I could speak with him.  Our conversations were pleasant, and real, and we just sort of caught up.  He expressed that he enjoyed our talks.  Neither of us brought up romantic reconciliation (I don't want that), but we discussed keeping in touch and we both agreed that we'd like that.   

He was out of town recently, and the last time that we spoke, he said he would contact me yesterday or today at the latest.  Late this afternoon, I sent him a quick email that simply said that I hoped he had arrived home safely.  The email he sent back was this:  "Yes I did... .please have no further contact with me via telephone or emails. Thank you"

Can somebody explain this to me?  (I have no idea what transpired between our pleasant conversation last week, and this email)

Initially I was hurt.  When I sat with that, I realized that it wasn't so much about him, though.  The hurt was along the lines of how can anyone treat another person this way?  I've learned a valuable lesson.  Stay NC, and don't let them back into your life. 

I am going to guess that he has new supply.  Last time he contacted you was on his terms and perhaps he did not think about the repercussions  of YOU getting in touch with HIM? It must be awkward for him to have you making contact. He had complete control when he contacted you and he got what he wanted. PwBPD are very controlling and extremely self-centered. One thing you can be sure of... .he is not losing any sleep over worrying about your feelings!

I'm guessing you're right about supply.   There was a replacement, of course, but I didn't ask about that area of his life during our recent conversations.  Perhaps they'd had a falling out, or he was in between supply.  I have no idea.  I wasn't interested in discussing that with him.  Yes, I agree.  It was a control thing, and no, he's not worried about my feelings.  He's not worried about anyone's feelings, but his own.

Hey Bliss-

To me what you got was confirmation that someone with a personality disorder is unreliable, incapable of considering your feelings, and incapable of perceiving the effect his actions have on you.  Best to just leave that chaos to its implosion and get on with your own bliss, starting with making the interaction confirmation of what you already knew and nothing else.  Take care of you!

Yes, you're so right.  Thank you for this.   

Thanks for posting this bliss. I'm sorry that another human could treat you so horribly and hope that you don't let it get you down

I've been wondering what I'd do if my ex contacted me and your post just confirms to me that I should totally ignore any contact.

They are so self absorbed its scary

Hugs to you

Thanks Bauie!  It's so not worth it.  What kinda has me upset this evening, is that it's so easy to leave things on a pleasant note.  It feels good to be kind to others.  That cold, callous behavior is something that I've never completely understood.  And I'm glad that I don't.  Thanks for your kind words.

Same thing happened to me I got some half ass apology about things that transpired and then the next day I was raged at and told off to say the least. I even said thru the email exchange ok well can you please stop calling from random application made phone numbers becuz i can tell its you. She then said I was a stalker for figuring out it was her calling me and hanging up over and over again. Dont regret the contact sometimes we need a swift metaphorical kick in the tail as a reminder of who they really are. I know when it happened to me I was like what the heck then shortly after I was saying to myself oh now I remember u. Your the same raging lunatic in victims clothing. You just needed a quick reminder that they are exactly who they are and have not changed. Its sad to say but I had lots of hope but I honestly dont think there is much hope for them only for us. It is what it is.

I get it that they have a serious mental illness, but its not like they don't know how to act like a human being, they are experts at that in the idealisation stage.

Yes, it is so easy for normal humans to leave on a pleasant note. All my ex needed to say is something like "I really can't come to terms with our age difference but I've enjoyed our time together" But she went from total adoration to ST/NC in a matter of days. Yep, their callous behaviour is unfathomable especially because you know they can act nicely when it suits them. This is where we get the idea that they know exactly what they are doing, as if they aim to inflict maximum pain.

Thanks to everyone here, but especially Rifka, it's all about me now, me getting over it, me getting better, me learning about myself, me becoming a better person. That's what we need to dwell on, not on these sad people.

+1000

That is really seeing things clearly. For me it was so painful to get healthier and then to repeatedly see these truths... .but in seeing the reality of how this person was acting it allowed me to take actions that were helpful for my own well being. Tough stuff because of the deep feelings that I had developed during the idealization phase for my unhealthy partner... It was so hard to put those feelings aside, see the truth and take actions that showed that I love me.

It's confusing and painful, Blissfulcamper. At first it seems counter-intuitive... .but slowly we realize that we are saving ourselves.

As you can see from my thread, I also had NC broken today. I no longer feel any sadness or sorrow at the hateful words she aims at me. Instead I feel a horrible anger and rage at her. I realize this is not healthy either,  and am going to work on that.

Inferno, that anger is healthy... .many people use that anger to take revenge, or/and get into all kinds of sick interactions with the pwBPD... .and many of us direct that anger on ourselves directly or in the form of depression. None of us do this perfectly and at times we do all of the above... .but if we direct that angry energy  into finding ways to help ourselves see our part in the unhealthy dance we were in with our partner and to get away from the pwBPD... we can find our way out of the fog, learn about ourselves and get better and whole again. it is a journey of self-love and a little (or a lot LOL!) of anger can be a great way to jump start our journey. It's all how we direct it!  :)

I didn't reply to her BS,  I can take some comfort in that, I also saw through her gaslighting and manipulation attempts. I did not attempt to explain or plead, I did not give her the dignity of a response.  I am out of fog and thankful for it

I also found that one of the few things that I had to hold onto was the fact that "I" had acted like an adult with dignity and love... .At times I felt almost stupid for not raging back... .but in the end it allowed me to love me for the way that I behaved, it built self-esteem and helped me move forward. Thank God for that! There wasn't much else to hold onto there for a while.

I identify with your feelings.

thank you for posting this blissful_camper.

I am sorry that you have to feel this discomfort and confusion but I am grateful for the reminder of what will happen should I break NC. This message confirms that my strictly NC policy is the only way for me.

I am under no illusions as to what will happen should I succumb to her patient pressure to reconnect. I know I WILL get sucked in and then tossed around, manipulated, pushed, pulled and then devalued and discarded. That's how she operates.

I'm 78 days NC, a day at a time thank God.

Blissful camper, that has happened to me as well. I filled the "lonesome" spot at that moment,  but then something else came along to break the promise, in your case, calling.  Mine couldn't keep his word - he bummed money from everyone he knew,  promised with assurance he would pay back next week, never paid anyone. I would get theater tickets - would invariably pick a fight, no concern over sticking me with expensive tickets.Before we lived together,  if he said we would get together and some new babe came along, I got cancelled.  Caught him red handed on that one. When it was time to do something he promised me, it was "Oh, honey, I just don't feel like doing that now - would you mind?" (Charming smile and sweet voice) They have no moral compass whatsoever. I always remember when his ex-wife left him, she told him, you are SUCH a piece of s#$t. And now I see why... .

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, and support.  I feel like an idiot for engaging with him.  I'm more upset with myself, than I am with him.   

NOW YOUR ARE TALKIN! |iiii  |iiii  |iiii  |iiii

You loving you is a wonderful thing.

Thank you for this post, and everyone's wise words of reply.

I am contemplating breaking NC, it's his birthday tomorrow and I so want to wish him well, and also I feel like I want that reminder of who he really is, because some days my fantasy version of him persists in my head.

I haven't decided what to do yet, but reading all this prepares me for whatever will happen if I break NC. Thank you BPD family 

Don't beat yourself up, we are human, we make mistakes. Your text was sent out of love and kindness because you are a good person, yes it was a mistake but being a kind person is something to celebrate!

Haha!  I hadn't thought of looking at it that way.  Yay!   You made me smile, and now I'm embracing being upset with myself.  Thank you... .

Thank you for reminding me of that.  I'm no longer accustomed to being treated badly.  On some level, I got used to that in the r/s, and came to expect it.   And now, having been away from it for over a year, it's pretty foreign to me to have someone verbally smack me for showing kindness.  I did something kind for myself today.  I got a new cellphone, with a brand new number.   

You may not see it and it certainly wasn't his intention, but he did you a huge favor. He probably reached out because stuff is not going well with current gf and she likely found out and hence the email.

And good for you for staying clear of romantic talk. That stuff is ridiculous.

You did good!

I'm sure seeing it now.  Yes, you are so right, that he did me a huge favor.  I'm truly embracing that today. 

Your take on his actions (why he got in touch, and the email) is what my mother suggested as well.  My mother said to be very glad that I extricated myself, and no longer have to deal with the toxic environment he creates. 

Thank you for validating that I did good.  That means a lot to me.  I can't wait to get my new phone #.  On a symbolic level, it closes the door and will provide peace of mind. Bliss is moving toward the bliss.  I'm ready for it.   

Im sorry your adult kindness was met with such,  blissC.  Your post is helping a lot of people here as a result.

The SAME EXACT thing happened to me. Had been long into NC. I was still hurting but getting further along. He did a purposeful ( deemed coincidental) baiting. We spoke. Caught up. He was wonderful. Just so sweet.  It was so reassuring to me. I felt like so much could make sense. We parted.  Both agreed how nice it would be to remain in one another's lives in this mature way. How wonderful it felt to talk again.

We made plans for the next day. I slept like a log and awoke so happily. I had just started a new job and took the next day off. He knew this.  He never called or contacted me.

I was confused as we made plans. I took the day off. When I made contact finally, he was a self serving stranger, acted as if he barely knew me while occupying himself with mundane tasks and said he'd rather I not be in his life again.

ZERO remorse that I had taken time off from my new job while he then mentioned how he felt that he had a cold coming on. I stood there absolutely stunned.

Less than 24 hr prior, I thought I reunited casually with  the man  I used to know.  But, it was really the controlling game player that I met once again.

The man I thought I knew was not real.

I am real. All the time.

The man who did this to me for no kind reason. But personal gain while hurting another.  Who is disordered and mentally ill.  Is the real man. 

Remember that my friends.

PLEASE DO NOT BREAK NC.   THESE PPL ARE INCREDIBLE MANIPULATORS. And they do not care about your feelings.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Caredverymuch.  I'm sorry that you went through this too.  I'm feeling much better today.  |iiii  Friends, if you're feeling tempted to break NC, please post to the forum for support.  I sure wish I had in place of accepting his call. 

BlissC, I was just thinking the very same. Before I found this community, I had such hope. That things would one day reverse. I had no idea about BPD. So none of this made logical sense to me.

I have said this before and I will say it again and  again.  I have  not found ONE example of breaking NC from members on this board that had a favorable outcome. Not one. I would have taken even one and believed I could perhaps have been two.  Had I found it.

And how many members are here on his board?

Going with the odds and educating myself is the only thing that has allowed me to stay strong against baitings or breaking NC.

The disorder always wins.

I opened the lid to a Pandora's box when I sent my stbx BPDh a birthday card. I realise now that I sent him a very confusing message and I should have left well alone. It is so hard because he was my rock and when times are tough I really need the feeling I had when he was supportive. I find it impossible to believe he doesn't care for me anymore but actions speak louder than words... .NC is the only way - no room for guesswork... .

It's okay.  As a member offered me, you did so with love and kindness.  That's a beautiful thing.  You're a kind and loving person. 

It's interesting that you mention the rock thing.  I felt he was my rock too.  But it sounds like my ex's support differed from the support you received from your ex.  My ex's support was intense (he was right there with me) but only for things that were superficial. (I could have handled those things alone) He was not available for the heavier stuff that we all face in life.  (I handled those things alone)

We are our greatest support system.  We're our own best friend.     

So very true... .Im much older then mine... .   I moved away last month, after over a year and endless recycling's.  She said... ." I love you now that you are gone"  "Im sorry for everything forgive me" "I miss you" "Thank you for all your help"

All these things texted and said after a weekend of sex ( she needed money lol)  So I called her a week later because things ended on such a sweet note... .what I got was... .   If you come back I dont want to see you ... .you are too stressful.  I forwarded her texts... .she said why are you sending me old texts... I DONT miss you. BYE! 

That last contact was 3 weeks ago or so. Unfortunately I have to back to NY for a week... and Im dreading it. Like the vile of heroin is there waiting... .and I need to not call. ugh.

New York is one of the biggest cities in the world. There are about 9million people there. Sounds like it would be MUCH healthier for you to interact with the other 8,999,999 people there, instead of her.   ... .Just a thought!

This one sentence pretty much sums up my feelings on BPD sufferers. Their whole world is about them, they don't care at all for others, they wouldn't know what empathy is if it hit them in the head. Whenever my feelings soften I remind myself that my ex talked non stop about herself and her actions were all about her. Other people, even her mum, were just there for her benefit. She was easily the most self absorbed person I've ever met.

I actually told mine once that she didn't care about my feelings and she turned on dem dere waterworks and told me I didn't know her if I thought that. But yeah her actions screamed the truth. I still belived her lies once again though.

I just realized that in you quote of your pwBPD where she says:  She said... ." I love you now that you are gone" helped me understand some thing my expwBPD said to me.

After she ran off with new supply she said something that I found very strange when I contacted her just after she abruptly ran off: "Oh you just love me now because I am gone".  Now I realize that she was projecting her warped perception on me.  Of course to them, they think that no one EVER loves them enough. I think it's because of their mental illness.

Yep, the actions speak WAY louder than the words. About a week or so before she abruptly dumped me and went NC she told her dad that she had never loved a guy as much as she loved me. Their words mean nothing. The day she dumped, she told me she loved me What the heck

Yup.  What really struck me during the few recent calls, is that he discussed himself, primarily.  :)iscussions about people in his life were either neutral, or negative.   The dialog at his end, didn't reflect positive thinking about much of anything in his life.   Positive thinking, positive experiences, may not be dramatic enough for him.  

I would have no problem with that but I moved to Florida! lmao  |iiii   Even better!

I had gone semi NC with my exBPD for the lst two months. My story is long and complicated, but we live near each other and hang out in the same social circles so I always sought closure but it was always met with continued hurtful reactions. Then last week she wanted to meet and we ended up having sex... .and then twice a day for a week (I work at home, and she doesnt work). I heard all the same idealization I heard through the years. Then she started twisting everything I said into something I didnt mean and when I tried to explain and discuss whatever occured, it only resulted in the most amazingly aggravating and MADDENING conversation that always ended with yelling and hang-ups. The woman is incapable of logical and reasonable thought. I actually walk away questioning whether im the crazy one. Today I once again, and hopefuly for the last time, told her Im done. After reading so many posts here, I believe that once they  have removed you from that idealization stage, you are done. They may real you back in just to appease their own need to feed their desire to control, and you may go back hoping to find that perfect person you throught they were, but that person never existed. Be strong... .Know what you are dealing with: A cold, self-centered manipulator that leaves people that truley believed in an ideal love standing alone wondering what hit them. 

I am sorry but I laughed when reading this. Not at you, or your feelings of which i have experienced, but at the absurdity of it. How sad he is. He is clearly someone who is going to go through life without ever having a healthy relationship with another person. Pity him. Stay NC if it effects you negatively, otherwise marvel at his pathos.

You must be seeing my girl... .its incredible how the template is extraordinarily similar with so many. Mind blowing. Ive gone back for sex so many times, thank god Im over a thousand miles away. The fact that you said " hopefully for the last time" tells me you have not reached bottom. I have an endless capacity for suffering. Don't be like me. Run... .she will not EVER change.

Like this dude... .my girl can suck the life out of any pleasant feeling or sense of eh hope for changed behavior. The princess of buzz kill... .control thru mindfu*ckery. This same thing has been said to me many times after fun times... .push, pull, push, pull... .devalue, demonize, then sex and desperate need. Endless. Repeating the same pattern over and over expecting a different result. Insanity.

My ex continually made me promise that if we broke up we would stay best friends. When she dumped, after I started to show that I thought she had some deep seated mental health issues, she painted me the blackest black and she went NC.

They live in a fantasy world. She didn’t fall in love with me, she fell “in love” with a fantasy, it was all good until reality came crashing down. When she realised I was a real person and not a character in her fairytale. Her world is a fantasy and she can always turn on the cute act to ensure a steady supply of people that want to look after her. The “she’s incredibly cute” act works a treat with acquaintances, but the people that get close to her end up knowing better.

Here here. It's all so clear now. Friends and Family all loved her, thought she was amazing. I of course was not allowed to even let a hint of the dysfunction out for public consumption. I made that mistake 1x. My sister had the perceived audacity to mention my ex wife in front of her, maybe bad form, but certainly not malicious, it was in a negative way!. Well my exBPDgd gave me a rash of ___, was convinced from that day forward that my sister "hated" her. So, me being a "fixer", thought, well this is very unhealthy, now my gf thinks my sister hates her. So, I called her up and politely asked her not to do that again, as it was upsetting to my girl. And being naive, I told my girlfriend I had done this. Round 2 of rage and silent treatment, "now she really hates me". Damn'd if do, damn'd if i don't. They were supposed to intuit that it was a topic never to be discussed.

Incidentally, I came to find out that according to both my sisters and my mother and my sister-in-law... .All independently, that is why my ex gf who always talked about my ex wife, and fished for information. Not surprising, really.

You must be seeing my girl... .its incredible how the template is extraordinarily similar with so many. Mind blowing. Ive gone back for sex so many times, thank god Im over a thousand miles away. The fact that you said " hopefully for the last time" tells me you have not reached bottom. I have an endless capacity for suffering. Don't be like me. Run... .she will not EVER change.[/quote]
Split back, I hear you, sex is incredible and thats what pulls me back. I say "hopefully" because I thought I was strong, and honestly hoped to talk through how to co-exist with her, so we met and 5 minutes later we're at it and then it was every day since, until I was painted black again. 

I wish I could run. The problem is is she's my neighbor, lives behind me, and we've been having an affair for 11 years. We've been 'broken up' two months and I was the one that had reached out for closure, I assumed we need to come to peace somehow because of proximity and same social circles. You wont ever get closure with a BPD, the only relief would be to move, and it sounds like tht doesnt work. What the hell is the hold they have? She is only extreme pain, but I think of her her always...  

Split back, I hear you, sex is incredible and thats what pulls me back. I say "hopefully" because I thought I was strong, and honestly hoped to talk through how to co-exist with her, so we met and 5 minutes later we're at it and then it was every day since, until I was painted black again. 

I wish I could run. The problem is is she's my neighbor, lives behind me, and we've been having an affair for 11 years. We've been 'broken up' two months and I was the one that had reached out for closure, I assumed we need to come to peace somehow because of proximity and same social circles. You wont ever get closure with a BPD, the only relief would be to move, and it sounds like that doesnt work. What the hell is the hold they have? She is only extreme pain, but I think of her her always...   [/quote]
Being thousands of miles away does help. I cant imagine you are so close and have endured this BS for 11 years. The hold they have is continually rejection... .push you away... .the ability to walk and not care... .cheat, lie... .etc  and then be intoxication by her vulnerability and sweetness... .sort of.  You cant have a real conversation that doesn't go in circles because at least mine had so many lies going at the same time, the more she speaks the more transparent they are.  You are totally and completely addicted to her sexually... .and you are going to have a very hard time quitting this girl until or unless you completely hit some sort of bottom.  I think of mine... .and accept texts... .and she goes from interest to telling me not to text or call ( right after she sent me 3) because she has company!  Nice. Im so sick of it. My mission is to find a healthy replacement. Join me in the quest.

You guys are still in that fog when you go back for the sex. You got to detach and go through the crazy withdrawal period with your ex. In addition during that time you do a real introspection and see if you got any other issues (sex addiction, pornography, validation etc... .).

Personally I spent almost 8 months dealing with my own sex addiction before i broke up with my ex. By the time I cut it off with her I had control of myself in that regard, so I was able to keep myself from going back for that. I still struggle with it, but its a lot more manageable. Don't use sex as a coping mechanism or escape. You're just asking for trouble.   

I agree. A good T and a lot of self love is needed to break these painful, empty cycles.

Ive often thought that there is not only an addiction to her as that supposed perfect woman that I desired and hoped to marry someday, but the sex addiction part is real as well. What is one of the main thoughts I have now when I think of her? Sex, and how she is doing now with her husband what she did with me. That last part is twisted in concept obviously, but for years she told me she hated sex with him, it was like rape, didnt do any of the extracurricular things with me that she did with me with him, called it a task, and now she texts me after she does those things to/with him.

Because of our situatuation ( I work from home, shes part time) we had sex all the time, Monday-Friday, usually twice a day, and then met on the weekends for more. 11 years of that. And she instigated it as much as I did. And it was as amzing the very last time we did it over a week ago as it was 11 years ago. So yea, as much as Im trying to rid myself and break free of the emotional attachment and idealization that she was the perfect woman & one that I was going to marry (she said often I was her sole mate & the perfect man & how she cant wait to share a life), Im addicted to, and missing, the constant amazing sex...    

And to add, while this post started with the 'do not break NC', it looks like i should head over to another one because there's two things here: Last week I told her i was totally done & couldnt handle this anymore (hmmm 4th time in 2 months?) & I believe what really brought me here is that this one feels differant. I truly believe that I have heard the last of her insanity, & as usual, EVERYTHING I said or did was twisted & I went into a scary panic attack mode. My rection freaked me out more than average & it seemed to be a 'turn the corner' moment. I headed to the cottage one last time for the summer & I was hit by huge depression, drank too much, snapped at my wife, felt like a zombie. Ive been depressed about her, but not like this. So this NC convo will be referenced daily as I try to power through anything she sends me or a desire to send her something... .and the 2nd thing I thought of this weekend was that what i appear to think the most about her is the sex! I miss the sex! I also hate the fact she's giving him that now in the frequency and instense level we shared! Crazy huh? So extremly timely responses Cancan split black and infrared, Im going to my T Wed, while I talked about the sex we've had, I'd like to dig further, it could ultimately be main key to the hold she has on and where I should focus, we'll see. Any related boards you guys know of to head over to?  thank you all for your help, i cant tell you how it helps to not be alone.   

Duped, I like your username!  I think that many of us can relate to it.  I felt duped too.

When my ex moved on to my replacement, a friend said, "wow, the bed isn't even cold yet." It was hurtful to hear but true.  I was a total mess.  On some days I could barely get out of bed. I was depressed and confused. I cried for months. I questioned my experiences with him, trying to figure out what was truth and what wasn't.  The man I had known for so many years, wasn't the man he claimed to be. It was heartbreaking. One day it dawned on me that his moving on benefited me. It meant that I would no longer be the person he projected all of his damaged traits onto. I had been relieved of my duties. I was free. When my replacement comes to mind now, I immediately tell myself, "I'm so glad it's not me anymore."

I can relate totally... .Mine would triangulate me with her ex... .who she claimed to hate blah blah only to keep running back to ... .but it never stopped with that... .she would allow exes to eh swing by her place, and some new ones... .she needed sex with others to control her own emptiness. Which lasted for a minute. But the effect being cuckolded had on me was shattering. I cant stand the visual either. But shes back to being mean and devaluing... and Im not spending another penny on her. Im here... shes there. So I have it easier then you in that regard. Withdrawal from that kind of sex is incredibly hard and painful. Worse then anything.

Im saving the last few texts from mine... .I responded to something stupid... .and she answers by saying " Hey, stop texting so much I have company!"  Nice huh.   I didnt respond but she knew what she was doing... .and could not care less.  The only work around on this for me, is to get whole again, and find a suitable replacement and never allow that kind of disrespect again for any reason.

And as bad as it totally sux for you and it does... .  think about the chump shes made out of her husband. Hes probably a decent guy. No one needs that kind of life. I don't, you don't, and he doesn't. Pus*y can be awesome but the balance, again, as someone put it is sex vs your own self worth.

Split back, the guy is a decent. I actually now belive When Im painted white, he's painted black, and that was the large majority of our relationship. She drove the man to have an affair twice (that she knows of) because all those years I was on the pedistal the majority of the time, she made his life hell. So when she found out he was having the affair, i was dropped cold... ."I have a second chance". 6-8 weeks later she pulled me back in the usual ways. He's also an upstanding prominent member in the community, well known, very visible position, yet he has come home many times completely drunk after sitting in his car after drinking a bottle of jack. She made his life hell while she progressivly made my life hell... .but now he's painted white & living large with her attention... .I feel sorry for him in spite of being envious. The end is coming... .not sure how long, but it will be there once again. 

Obviously we will cross paths... soon. Im fighting with how i will react. Continued NC after we see each other? Or 'hey nice seeing you'. Im thinking & knowing NOT. I also fight with whether I just respond, or address face-to-face comments, with totally neutral emotionless replies or, & this is what I fight NOT doing, telling her I have finally figured out what a lying manipulative B**ch she is. Gotta power through the sexual attraction/addiction too... .UGH

And shes the one in control. Like mine... .always... .why? Because they don't care. And I dont know about yours... .but with mine you could believe about 2% or less of anything out of her mouth. Some things would be grains of truth and tons of utter lies. Who knows if her ex did this or that. Who knows if shes telling the truth about her childhood. Ive heard things mine said about me. Total insane lies used to recruit allies or some nonsense.

I mean at the end of the day how many hours on the planet are we going to waste on someone who you can not trust on any level? Im in NC mode yet again since her last flurry of text. She makes me feel so freaking terrible about everything. Her body and face are to die for but thats exactly whats going to happen if I allow another toxic interlude when I go back north thanksgiving. It takes me weeks of hard fought introspection and mind cleaning to get past being in her presence. And if I was brutally honest... .these past few months the sex without intimacy, being made to feel like a human dildo, wasn't fun. She wont let herself go like she used to... .she holds back... .enjoys herself, but makes me feel and believe like shes doing me an enormous favor and its an enormous sacrifice because shes no longer attracted to me or likes me... .  after 175 times... .lol. Just stupid control tactics but she believes them... .unless shes wasted... .and then there are no more rules... but the next day shes tired, wired, mean  nasty and hateful. Tells me all the time to stop being so affectionate it makes her feel awkward. Yeah, no doubt, because she has someone else lined up later that night or the next day.   

I don't know what your gonna do man, you've been at this 11 years and Im a basket case after a year and 4 months... with a couple months here, and weeks there of silent treatment banishment... .   You absolutely need to meet someone new or your gonna be under her spell for another 11 years and then your options will be a lot more limited. Now if I can just take my own advice.

I know this is going to categorize me as some sort of pig with certain people, and rightfully so I guess, but that person Im going back to is my wife... or try to anyway. What made me stray to begin with was a bad marriage and the belief I found the perfect one... .having lived through hell with a BPD makes me appreciate my wife, but its going to be a slow fix.  The body is not as hot, nor is the sex even on the same planet, but im finding she is so flipping normal and a good person after the fog is cleared. Sex shouldnt be the basis of a relationship, especially when its accompanied by abuse (uh, so obvious its sad we cant see that adn easily walk away) The other thing? She's so reasonable! I can actually have a discussion with her after a disagreement and guess what? We come to a mutual conclusion! What a concept!

BUT, I have an unfortunate addiction to cope with and I know it will take time. I have done a lot of reading on gaslighting "... .the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more important and powerful the abuser gets to feel. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal and physical violent becomes... "   ":)istress" includes the emotional reactions we exhibit in reaction to their behavior as well as reaching out to them - or breaking NC. DO NOT BREAK NC  and yea... .I better keep to my advice  lol

No... .you are not a pig.  I can relate. Totally.   It might not work out with your wife, you strayed for a reason. Sex is a huge part of any relationship for both men and women. Not everything for sure but its an important part and if you are not attracted to your wife anymore its going to be extremely difficult for you... .and her.

The narcissistic explanation is mine to a tee. Absolutely BPD/NPD  what a toxic combo. My pain and suffering, long winded monologues fall on deaf uncaring indifferent ears. When shes in pain that of course is a different story.  She lives for supply. She is a bottomless empty pit and there is not enough supply on the planet to fill her up. She does the same thing over and over and over... .  cheats, lies, manipulates, gaslights with every word out of her mouth.   

Fog is lifting for me... .this distance is very helpful. Plus, now that my eyes are open, I can see clearly all the other potential possibilities of a life without her in it.  Shes a toothache now that does not hurt all the time.  NC... .its been a week since her last text. I think... .  I really dont think I care... .its not like i can jump in the car and go see her. Im not inviting her here. She cant blackmail me anymore... .shes with god knows how many poor suckers since we hooked up a couple of weeks ago. I dont think I care. The damage is just too much.