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Having to sort out some trouble that our interaction landed both us and a friend in so sadly there was need to break nc. I was attempting to take the blame for the sitch in order to just end it and let everyone move on without anymore pain.

I got some nice abuse about me being an insane psycho.  And that me not trusting her judgement to protect others in this situation proves that I never had real feelings for her. I'm pathetic,  I'm this that and the other. I didn't respond,  I know it's projection and I know the "never had feelings" is a manipulation of some kind. Still it's yet another kick in the guts which I just can't seem to stop taking.

Man I wish I never met her I really do.

I'm sorry inferno.  I often feel like this even still months out.  Then there are moments I am greatful. The devastation it has wrecked in my life and the fact I have still loose ends to tie up keep me in some ways attached. That and I still care for her.  With each contact it's like getting a rush but brings up past memories that are incredibly difficult to work through back into the forefront of the mind reminding you there is still a lot to process.  It is trully nerve wracking and I'm sorry we are all going through this. 

I'm emotionally unstable right now because of her, and as I say a bad situation came up where I thought the best way to handle it was if I just took on full responsibility.  My judgement may not be at its best but I just want it over and sadly leaving it in her hands is not something that makes me comfortable at all. I was willing to resign my job and take the blame for all of it including 80% of it which was caused by her because I don't want people to get hurt and that includes her. It seemed the kindest thing to do.  But her being her she can't see it as rational and fears she may look bad if I sacrifice myself. 

It's a sickening position to be in because I was prepared to slander my own reputation because I don't want to fight her and I STILL don't want to make her look bad or cause her pain. But it's just impossible.  Even sacrificing my job to get her out of a slap on the wrist is met with hatred and abuse.  It's an unwinnable war that I don't even want to be in.

I just wish it was over.

It has been said on here before but The Lord of the rings is a very apt comparison. We

Are all smeagal froto and Sam.  The Lord of the rings is a very gnostic tale.

They show us again and again who they really are.  It just doesn't seem possible that we thought that this person was our soulmate... .but slowly we see how sick that they really are, by their repeated actions.

All we can do is take actions that help us move forward, away from the chaos and the self-centered negativity.

Hi Inferno

So understand where you are coming from. It is so hard not to play the role of "rescuer". I know for me it is one I have played for years and years and is second nature. The sad truth is it always backfires. I refused to play that role last week-end and now the situation has passed (I stayed strong) and I STILL wish I had come to the rescue. This is one of the things I have to work on in myself. It is not my job to stop others from facing the negative consequences of their actions. Sucks but there it is. Hope this situation passes quickly for you.

Infern0, I'm unsure of the specifics to your situation, but I'm wondering why/how you feel like you should take full responsibility for something if it wasn't your fault? there could be things i don't understand. in general though i think this is an unhealthy stance. your ex doesn't want to be rescued. why would she want to be rescued when she feels like she's doing just fine and you are the problem? it's true that pwBPD do want to be 'rescued', but this is just what they seek from new partners in idealization. past partners are no longer in the savior role and any rescuing done on your part gets thrown back in your face. i think it's very important now to simply seek, and to be, the truth. don't do or be anything else. covering up lies with more lies, isn't a good path, and it's a worse path for you when you subject yourself to falling on the sword. be the truth. you don't have to yell it out. but no need to stand in front of it or hide it to try and save some other ungrateful soul.

Some messed up sense of loyalty that I know I shouldn't have.

The truth. Yeah would be such freedom but sadly there are one or two truly innocent people who could get strafed in the crossfire.

It's an awful position to be in where I can't tell the whole truth without damaging some people who don't deserve it,  so in some sense I have to play it her way. She's beaten me on all levels. All I can do is protect the innocent and limit the damage she has done.

yet isn't it true that it isn't you who are damaging them, but actually her? why not have them talk to her directly? again, i know i don't understand everything so perhaps the answer is in what i don't know. but pwPDs often setup situations like this knowing others will fall like dominoes to cover up. sometimes it's best to step aside and let the chips fall where they may... .

As I say the situation is quite complex.  I can't say much due to confidentiality reasons but I have a dangerous liar who could potentially explode and depending on how she reacts to the trouble she is in she could start lashing out at anyone and everyone to try save herself. Sadly it's not only me who trusted her, others have revealed sensetive information to her which they thought she could be trusted with and if she goes nuclear those people could suffer. I don't want my friends hurt.

I am resigned to the fact there is little I can do. I'll tell the truth as much as needs and then leave it to my boss to deal with the BPD.  How wonderful to look forward to that.

Inferno... .   I am not sure of your specific situation, but it reminds me of something that I was involved in.  I work with my ex-uBPD-bf.  In the past I had told him very, very damaging information about an executive at work who I was good friends with.  During one of the many bad times between myself and the ex, he threatened to tell on the executive (to HR dept).  It was one more way he tried to control me.  Of course it worked because my own job would then be in jeopardy - and it would destroy my friendship with that person as well.  Fortunately that particular threat didn't last very long since that info came out totally separate from me.  My ex moved on to find a new threat - one to threaten my home life instead.  And he followed thru on that threat.  Twice.  I won't go into details about that as it's too painful.  And not related to this thread anyway.  The point is, even after THIS situation passes that you are in, she will find something else to use against you.  Don't take the fall for HER.  If she goes ballistic, most people won't even believe her anyway.  Protect yourself and be honest with everyone as much as you possibly can be. 

Good luck... .

It's horrendous to come to realize that you trusted your deepest secrets with someone who didn't deserve even the slightest trust given to them. She knows me inside and out and wouldn't hesitate to use any of it to get her way.

Fortunately she doesn't have anything too damaging to use as I don't really have any skeletons in my closet.  But still I'm sure there are one or two things I might regret telling her.

We will see,  I feel ok in the fact I have always acted in good faith and with the right intentions.

However I feel a bit like ned stark,  going to the executioners block because I lived my life beliving in things like honour and justice and respect.

But who doesn't love Ned Stark?  And who could argue with having character like that?

Good for you.  I applaud that.  I know it doesn't help ease the pain or make the insanity go away, but you are doing your best.  And know you did nothing wrong but trust someone you cared about.

That's normal.  If something blows up because of that, others will understand.  They will forgive you. 

:) I love this simile. i think the important thing to take away from this is that we should keep our integrity and continue to have an open heart--this takes much inner strength. however we have to realize that our integrity is an extremely valuable resource and only spend this energy with those that are worthy of receiving it. i love ned stark, but no pwBPD will have my head!  :)

I'm not well up on Lord of the Rings, but all of life is in Game of Thrones including BPDs.

And Ned Stark was GOOD GUY. He was my stbx BPDh's fave character - I guess that's how he saw himself... .or how he would like to be... .

Mine went from being ned stark to ramsay snow. And we are all theon greyjoy! I'm worried she will break into my house, run me a bath and ask me if I love her!