BPDFamily.com

I joined here to talk about my exBPDbf before, but I have MANY unresolved issues with my exH which have been too painful to talk about before. I’ve often wondered if he has a PD himself (my psychologist friend thinks he does), but some collective opinions would help me. This may be the wrong place to put this as he's not BPD, but I thought there might be some insight. So, here are some traits.

-   He doesn’t have good boundaries when it comes to possessions. In our marriage, he considered anything that was mine was his to do what he wanted with. He gave away or lent out a lot of my posessions over the years, went into my bag, borrowed money from my purse etc.

-   He stole things, typically cups or glasses from coffee shops. He’d hide them in my bag without telling me so that I carried them out, but I wouldn’t find them till I got home.

-   He pilfered things from his office – tablets, computers etc.

-   He would take unscheduled days off work all the time, claiming to be working but really just doing his own thing.

-   He had “dupers delight”. He loved doing sneaky stuff that no one else noticed, and took great pleasure in “hiding in plain view” as he put it, getting away with bad or illegal behavior without anyone suspecting him.

-   He repeatedly hacked into my computer, installed spyware to get passwords, and read all my incoming and outgoing messages without telling me. Sometimes he’d refer to the conversations in different ways, but denied having read them.

-   He would have affairs, lie about where he’d been etc. He was quite comfortable with lies and deceit.

-   He expected us to have totally different standards. Ie he’d see other people but I wouldn’t be allowed out.

-   If I asked him not to do something, like not spend money because we were short, he’d deliberately do the opposite to teach me a lesson

-   He loved being thought of as generous and helpful, and would make quite kind gestures towards people but it was more for the pleasure of the accolade than anything else.

-   His emotions were very buried – it was like he had one emotion at all times, but if he was angry it was hard to tell and he’d be very quietly vengeful (dupers delight again)

-   He openly said he felt we had an unequal relationship, where he was my superior

-   He loved anything that enhanced his status

-   He came across as sunny, friendly, generous etc, and loved having that persona

Any thoughts welcome.

Have you considered Kleptomania? 

I hadn't, but having written it all down in one place and seen it listed like that, I probably should.

Maybe some (covert) npd traits? Not sure though

Recooperating, that's what the psychologist suggested. NPD. It just doesn't sit with the stereotypical image though and I don't know enough about it to understand the nuances.

Good morning, Suspicious 1.  Your H sounds A LOT like my exbfBPD.  And yes, I believe he had NPD traits, but I've also been in relationships (work and personal) with NPD, and I didn't see all of what you're describing.  I think the sneaking around, stealing, the gotcha game is all about CONTROL.  My NPD's were ALL ABOUT HOW THINGS LOOK--how do they look?  how do their kids look?  how does their girlfriend look?  Because to an NPD we all are an extension of them.We are not separate human beings.  NPD's love status symbols, and are frequently very successful people in whatever they choose. They are hyper sensitive to criticism as are pwBPD, and there are other similarities:  namely, lack of empathy.  I do however feel that pwBPD feels a lot of guilt and shame whereas I never picked that up from NPD.  Just my two cents.  I recently read that when things go rough in the life of a pwBPD, they will throw out the baby with the bathwater--they'll change everything.  They'll quit their job; leave their SO; move out of town.  If one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong in the mind of a pwBPD.  In my case, I was in the bath water that was thrown out though I  have been his greatest advocate and ally.  I have found NPD to be much more strategic and surgical, and I did not see the rapid dysregulation, splitting, and "screw everything" attitude.

Thanks all. Loveofhislife, he was very very appearance oriented. Things like cars, clothes, looks were very important to him. He felt that I was a status girlfriend (when I worked) and loved the fact that I did a certain job as he felt he could show off. He said he bigged me up to everyone (but never to me - he always put me down). One of the things he showed off about when he got a new girlfriend was "my new girlfriend has a PhD - what do YOU have?". That kind of thing.

He never split and did seem pretty emotionless, except for if he became angry and became sneakily vengeful.

This is the tough this about trying to diagnose someone without a lot of first hand experience with them. Even psychologists require time with someone before they can really come up with an accurate diagnosis. Sure, he displays characteristics of someone that could have a PD. Or he could just be a good old fashioned, "healthy", jerk. Personality disorders aren't a requirement for someone to be an a-hole.

I think he's a healthy a-hole jerk with Narc traits. I'm just recognising more and more things from the Stop Caretaking book, is all. I agree, a diagnosis is not something I can either do or that really matters. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, isn't it.

My ex is not diagnosed and I'm not qualified. She has traits and I can choose what types of negative and toxic behaviors that I will subject myself to. I can't control her but I can control how I react. Understanding toxic behaviors and traits depersonalizes and we can choose to become indifferent

I agree. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

There isn't anything there that screams PD,  but certainly someone who has issues of some kind.