BPDFamily.com

Well do we?

Mummy always idolized us, and told us how special we are lol, and isn't that what first attracted us to our spouses/partners in the honeymoon phase?

We all have some of the traits one way or another. Nobody is perfect, and if they were, they would not be perfect.

It is the level of those traits and how it effects us and our relationships that differ.

At least that is my opinion.

no not in my experience. I went through the structured clinical interview at the same time as my wife. it did not show narcissist traits. but it did show tendinceys for avoidance behavior... .and substance abuse problems.

there certainly is something weird in the way I handle things becouse it took me so long to wake up to and see the situation with my BPD wife clearly. i think for me it was a combination of my personality wiredness mixed with a lot of bad choices that I made early in the relationship, mostly around drugs and alcohol, that set me up for my BPD relationship.

I have been through a lot of therapeutic evaluations and have codependent traits and PTSD but no narcissism.

Not sure if you are serious or if this is more tongue in cheek ?

but... .I can assure you... .My mummy never idolized me... .that's for sure.  She was mostly too depressed and too tired and sad to do much of anything... .much less idolize her kids... .ya... .kids in my family... .we were NOT idolized... .

Some of us had childhoods where we were mostly ignored, just the opposite of idolization... .and never felt special at all ... .so the intense mirroring phase really really fed something very sad and hungry in us that we have wanted all our lives... .that is a kind of narcisstic wounding ... .

Some of us had mentally ill or very challenging parents growing up... .and we became as children very skilled at managing and supporting a loved one who has emotional problems, we earned our keep, our security and gained our identity through careful management of fragile adults... .so it just feels 'like home' to be doing this again as an adult... .that too could be referred to as a narcisstic wounding, also known as parentification... .but it would look different than someone who was told they are special all the time growing up or idolized growing up...

And some of us probably were told we were special or idolized or parentified in different ways... .it happens... .

There are many different kinds of adaptations to different stressors in childhood... .we are not all the same... .just as our partner's are not all the same... .

Whatever our backgrounds... .and they are too varied and too unique to ever be fully captured here... .

We all only ever get one chronological childhood, and whatever that childhood was and whatever it's losses or traumas... as adults, we have to grieve our losses and take responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness... .in or out of any relationship.

No partner can do that for us.

Yup!  Took a long time to fully understand this.  My mother was stable while my parents were married but went off the deep end when they divorced.  Think most of her dysfunction was focused on him but it wasn't nearly as severe as she was after she dealt with my father leaving.  I realize now that in their relationship, he was her father and she wasn't an adult on her own. I didn't really fully get how deep the mental health issues are on my Mother's side of the family until I was in an intensive in January.  I knew but didn't seem to get how much this had impacted me.  I have had 2 husbands that have BPD traits, I don't know if my 1st husband was ever diagnosed but recently found out his sister was.  My current husband has been diagnosed.  My therapist says this is extremely significant and why I have to really focus on myself and how I interact in a relationship. 

Thanks for this comment MaybeSo. It was a bit 'tongue in cheek' to get a reaction, but also because 3 other non's had opened up to me about having Narcissistic traits and I wanted to test the correlation in general.

I was definitely idolized by my mother, which creates a massive pressure to be the 'perfect' person in their eyes and I picked a spouse who did exactly the same!

The problem is that bboth of these relationships cause serious dysfuntion in me. There was a period between both, 4 years, where I lived on my own and thrived. I recognized some of my issues, worked hard on them, and  I really became someone I liked, assertive, calm and collected under stress, caring, effective, focussed, productive, spontaneous, fun-loving

Slowly, over the last 14 years I have seen that person erode and become something my spouse expected. The invalidation has an effect over time, and I think I started to twist into a contorted emotional and mental shape because of it.

I've been separated for 7 months,. I've recognized that this is a choice. No-one makes us be anything, and I'm trying to capture the essence of that long lost person, and it's a struggle. There's co-dependence, anxiety and grappling with a diagnosed BPD and NPD spouse, 3 children, and a full time job. Phew... .it seems too much to handle at times.

Challengiing our core character and personality is exhausting.

How do we make realistic changes to ourselves, and keep all the balls in the air?

Hmmm….I don’t really know.

I try to take care of myself as best I can and prioritize tasks that are important and just try to grow as a human being. 

Phrases like ‘keep all the balls in the air’…

….brings up images of attempting spectacular feats that perhaps are amazing or entertaining to others but take a heavy toll on the performer.  I’m done pulling rabbits out of a hat.

If someone really wants to see balls in the air they can go to the circus!


Bingo.

Oh I like this answer alot! I'm not a circus performer in the drama of a  BP/NP relationship.

I choose to manage myself, my thoughts, feelings, emotions and happiness and prioritise my other responsibilities,

And if someone wants to see a juggling feat, or rabbits out of hats, they can go to the circus.

I frequently got the proverbial "rabbit out the hat' phone-call, for money, phone problems, children problems etc. And what have I done in response. Rescued her. How do handle the urgent phonecall to rescue?

I recognised for the first time a victim/rescuer phone call two days ago. I responded and starting sorting out her problem, and then started feeling resentment because I recognised the victim/rescuer dynamic. I then sent her a fairly aggressive message :-( saying I am busy, and that she should "buzz off, and sort out her own problems". OK that was innapropriate to say the least, but I'm better prepared for next time, when I will switch it, empathise with her panic and ask her the question. "How can you solve this problem?" in a calm, objective voice, and I won't solve the problem for her