BPDFamily.com

Hello, again!  I haven't posted in quite a while, but I've been checking in and re-reading lessons, etc. 

I believe I brought this topic up before, but I can't recall... .some things are just a blur.  I feel I'm being tested.  Things have been going really well.  Rages are few and far between and I've been able to keep from getting wrapped up in his drama~~until recently. 

I've had some health issues that have me out of commission on and off.  He's been wonderful about it, but at the same time it's giving him an excuse not to do anything... .except make bigger messes.  Everything comes to a standstill if I'm not working on something.

Clutter makes me nutz.  A dirty house makes me nutz.  I can't clean because he's got piles of crap everywhere and just keeps adding more and more.  We are still in the middle of renovations and it's challenging.  Some times I really think he's purposefully not completing projects and leaving terrible messes for me to clean up (yes... .I have to clean before I can cook) just to see how much I can stand before I crack up!

Any bit of advise is welcomed.

Welcome back 


Has it always been part of the way he is, or is this some new behavior.

If it is deep entrenched behavior then trying to make a dint in it will frustrate you like trying to shift a sand with a pitchfork.

Somewhere there will be a line where you have to balance your own desire for neatness vs what can be changed vs what is just part of the way he is.

Back to the old chestnut of deciding what are are boundaries vs preferences. I go through the exact same, with supervision things are dead slow & minimum effort, without supervision it is a complete halt.  The more energy I spent trying to modify this the more stressed I got for nil difference.

The less you ask for the easier it is to enforce those boundaries you deem essential.

Keep in mind the definition of clutter and a dirty house is very subjective, Being the most fussy is not a qualification on its own to be the adjudicator. Some people are just as uneasy with complete order. Who's to say which is right and wrong? Just different realities.

I guess what I am saying is dont ask for the world but be very clear, with consequences, on the minimum that stops your head from exploding. Meanwhile working on not letting clutter bother you as much, it is obviously part of his nature.

Hi, Rockylove,

It's nice to hear an update. I'm impressed with your progress in this relationship. |iiii

Wasn't there a project--amidst the other renovation projects--to complete a sort of "annex" structure just for you? Maybe that could be completed as a priority, or undertaken as a priority, since I think you live rurally and enjoy a property with some expanse.

If that's at all an option, it might make it eventually easier to practice the acceptance aspect of things that waverider has mentioned.

Hi, waverider and KateCat!  So nice to hear from you both.  I know that my level of cleanliness is different from my husband's and I do not expect him to be a neat freak.  I'm not either.  It's just been lately that he's been exceptionally thoughtless and it's really bugging me.  He never used to be so inconsiderate (especially in the kitchen) but now it's beyond my level of tolerance. 

He also wanted me to make a list of things that I need him to do.  I made the list... .twice!  He's lost it both times.  I don't want to nag and I told him that asking him more than twice feels like nagging.  He knows that eventually if it bothers me enough, I'll do whatever it is that needs to be done and then he says "oh, baby... .I was going to do that"  yeah?  in what century?  Oh my... .I'm frustrated!  I think this may just be normal man behavior, but with the history of him working at pushing my buttons, I wonder.

and one other little thing... .I've had some serious health issues and he's in competition with me.  I think he's faking, but I can't be sure and of course he won't go to a doctor.

reverse projection? I there such a thing? Don't know, but I have seen the same thing.

How about a list of several things and ask him to choose a couple? Gives him a little more say or option.

How about a "white board' on the fridge or somewhere.

Getting them kick started in the first place is the hardest bit.

If you get it worked out let me know because its something I haven't mastered yet  lol

hmmm  I used to write him a note and leave it on the keyboard of his computer~~he's obsessed with reading world news and football articles so he's always at the computer.  Anyway... .I limited my requests to a couple of things and he would often get one done.  He wanted the "master list" but I think it's way too overwhelming.  Going to go back to one or two item list.  

Now a word about the health issues.  He's very compassionate about the issues with my back (degenerative disk disease) and doesn't want me to do any heavy lifting, etc.  He'll jump right in and do those things.  The chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia diagnosis is quite a different story.  I have difficulty understanding and accepting what's happening and because they are not as tangible as the disk issue, he thinks it's all in my head.  Called me crazy the other day.  Jumped all over me for coughing in my sleep (I have a bad cold) the other night so I slept in my studio.  The next morning he woke up in a foul mood jabbering on about me playing some stupid game scaring everyone.  I called my sister and my son for help because my husband was out of town.  There is definitely something that goes amiss when I get overwhelmed and overwork my body.  It shuts down and for days afterward, I'm wiped out.  All of my muscles burn and I'm very weak.  Maybe it is all in my head, but it sure feels like it's in my body!  

I guess in the issue regarding the back problem it lets him play the rescuer, and all the praise that goes with the act. (grand gesturing mentality)

In the second issue he will perceive that you are just withdrawing and/or inconveniencing him in a general way that is out of his control,  (inconvenient chore mentality).

re chores do yo tell him what you want done or do you ask hime to suggest what he things he can do to help. Trying to get away from the nagging approach, which always triggers reluctance (in most people even without BPD)

 

As a practical suggestion, giving him a list of 1 or at most 2~3 tasks sounds like a winner to me. I often do this when I am working with tech support or with some sort of outside vendor. My theory is that if I ask for multiple things at once, I'm likely to get only one of them before attention wanders... .and they will pick which one to do first. If I give a single request (at a time) then I choose which one to put at the top of the list and this problem goes away!

I'd also suggest that the attitude that you are being tested/pushed isn't very helpful to you (even if there is some truth in it). Try to consider/accept that he has his own reasons for not doing what you want!

You're quite correct, Grey Kitty... .I know that not feeling well in general has shortened my temper and made me a bit cranky.  I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow who specializes in CBT and pain management/CFS.  It's so difficult for me not to be able to accomplish the normal daily tasks that I'd done for years without giving it much thought. 

 

Rocky,

Are you guys gmail people? 

I'm a huge fan of google docs.  Make the list.  Share it with hubby but do not let him "edit" it.  Only let him comment on it.  That way he can't accidentally mess it up.

That way you can resend in email... .he can log in and read it google docs... .he can print out... .and print out again... .and again... .:)

This was somewhat of an issue for me... .and I would get bitter and be sarcastic when getting another list... .or trying to help her remember or get kick started.  Never made any progress with sarcasm... .I try to minimize that.

ok... .laughing at myself now!  Been so long since posting that I couldn't remember how to see all of the responses!   :)

I had an appt with a therapist today and it went very well.  Have a few things to work on and I believe we got off to a very good start.

I was gone from 9:15am and returned home (stopped to run a few errands) at 1:30pm.  He was still sitting in front of the computer reading football articles and whatever. 

I cleaned up the kitchen and took the dogs outside while I was transplanting some bushes, etc.  While I was out there he cut 1 piece of trim for the doorway and gave up saying "nothing is going right today"~~as if it's different from any other day.  At this rate we'll be dealing with this construction zone until dooms day!  ARRRRRRRGHHH!

Can you try to do a project with him... .and validate him... .boost him up... .to hopefully keep him going.

Just a thought... .

I'd recommend working on finding a way to make the part of the house you live in be friendly and welcoming to you (instead of a construction zone!), and accept that he may be years finishing the rest of it.

Work on what you do have control of--it makes you soo much happier!

Are you sure you are not married to my husband? lol This is all mine does... .a great gatherer of information. Don't get me wrong, it's part of what I love about him, he knows something about EVERYTHING, it's just so odd to see so many BPDers with such similar actions, thoughts, and mannerisms. Almost every thread I read, my husband does and says the exact same thing, and that includes not doing anything I ask, or taking a really long time to get him in gear. It's almost like a child's way of acting. He was asked to do something, but by God, it's going to be when HE wants, because no one can tell him what to do.

I hope everyone reading this can stop for a minute and focus on the impact of the statement above... .

Then... .sit back and think for a minute that it's actually not that odd for people under the influence of a common disorder... .to act in a similar fashion.

I hope that gives people reading this hope... .because this is a disorder... .and there is an "order" to the way it presents itself... .and there is a way (the lessons) to best go about addressing the disorder to make your r/s better.

You are so so so right!

Thank you for the reminder, formlier.  It may sound strange, but there really is some "order" in the chaos.  Some times I need to remind myself of how far we've come in this relationship because of the lessons and tools.

 

Rocky,

Let the realization of how far you have come motivate you to "double down" on your efforts... .your efforts to improve yourself and your efforts to improve the r/s

 

Rocky,

Can I challenge you to describe how far you have come?  I'm interested...