BPDFamily.com

Hello.

Recently, out of necessity, I've had to move back home with my BPD mother and NPD stepfather.  I am over 40 and this is frustrating.  I've been trying so hard to keep the peace - doing every little thing they ask in terms of keeping everything clean and, essentially, staying out of their way.  My mother makes so many demands on me.  I'm overwhelmed.

But the one thing I'm noticing most is that no matter what I do - no matter how respectful I am, or how clean I am, or how courteous I am - she tries to pick a fight with me.  Is this part of the BPD?  I left home when I was 23, so haven't lived with my parents in over 20 years.  I am just now learning about BPD so everything is new to me.  Luckily, I'm a patient person and have developed the ability to tune her out for the most part, BUT sometimes her constant criticism and what seems like "baiting" me into a fight is very upsetting and today is one of those days.

Can somebody who has had experience with this, and understands it better than me, please provide some advice on how to handle this?  Are there any coping strategies to avoid getting into it with her? 

Thank you in advance.

Hi jmanvo2015,

Yes! I have had many experiences with my uBPD mom sparring for a fight. I also felt as if she was baiting me to start a fight. I can still hear her famous entry line "You know, ______, I was thinking about... ." And then it would begin. The relentless questions, interspersed with her demands that I agree how terrible the person is that she is talking about. If I didn't agree, then she would immediately begin to scream at me and denigrate me. I honestly came to believe that it was the only way she knew how to open her release valve when she became overwhelmed with negative emotions. I am not excusing what she did, just my  own observation, because she did not have, or maybe refused to learn, to manage her emotions.

I did live with my parents for a short time after adulthood, so I understand how difficult your position is. Read the articles here on how to communicate with a BPD. Especially, JADE. You will find many resources on the Answers tab of the home page.

Do you have any family or friends that you trust and can confide in? Please keep posting. Many of us here have experienced what you are experiencing and can provide you with a great deal of support!

Peace and blessings! :)

(cross-posted with clljhns)

Hi, jmanvo2015,

My mother does pick fights, but I don't think she's aware what she's doing when she does--in other words, I don't think it's a conscious ploy in her case, but rather a consequence of her disorder. I think she has a great deal of shame and needs someone else to be the cause of it because the thought of being responsible for it herself is too overwhelming. Here is the pattern: She will criticize or pester someone, ignore when they refuse or disagree politely, and keep going until they snap at her. Then she can go cry in her room and feel sorry for herself because they were so mean. Once I became aware that she was picking fights for this reason, I decided to stop giving her the reaction she was after. I would no longer participate in circular arguments, or snap back at her. I would remain calm and say something like, "I am not going to have this conversation with you," and walk away or hang up if she continued. I learned to stay in the center rather than become the Persecutor in the Karpman Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0).

It also helped me a lot to learn TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict). It is a great way to communicate a boundary while showing compassion for the other person. You might also find some helpful tips here: How to stop circular arguments  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

How are you coping currently when your mother criticizes you? Do you think any of those tools might help?

Wishing you peace,

PF

P.F.Change + Clljhns

Thank you both for posting resources for me to look at for developing better ways of coping when my mom baits me and for sharing your own experiences with this. It really helps to know this is not just a situation with me, but common with BPDs... .

Hi jmanvo2015,

Happy to help! Keep posting and sharing, we are here to listen.

Peace and blessings!  :)

My mother baits me all the time too, trying to pick a fight. I agree that I think it is a (dysfunctional) way for them to release their frustration and negative feelings. I don't play anymore either; I say something neutral and leave her alone. I would think by now she would learn that baiting doesn't work anymore, but she hasn't stopped.