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Well I went back in.

I don't know why especially after today which was so bad, maybe it was because of that.

We had a pleasent conversation and she actually apologized.

Don't get me wrong there was a few fun and games but I managed to deflect them.

It was left kind of open ended in terms of further communications but yeah.

No discussion of feelings just a "we both made mistakes"... .hey I'll take it,  better than everything being my fault. And yeah a pleasent how's the weather type chat and that was that?

I'm aware that I'm likely painted white and I'm on red alert that this has probably left the door open for further trouble but she's got another potential recycle who actually wants back in so hopefully he will get in fast and she just won't bother recontacting me, leaving it on a good note and I can move on.

I realize that this is down to sheer luck and timing.  Two potential recycles painted white,  a quick conversation and back out and let the other get sucked in and I get to walk away a free man with final contact being amicable and dare I say pleasent. Luck and timing.

Murky waters, but with luck and a fair wind I may have just constructed my own closure.  I feel at peace.

Great that you got some much needed closure, well done. That's more than most of us got going from posts I read. Just a thought but maybe now is the time to go 100% NC?

So glad you have gotten some peace.

From everything I've read I may have just pulled off one of the biggest coups in the history of these boards.

NC or LC I'm not sure.

I have a feeling she will want to hang out or something.  I'm not sure it really depends on how things go with recycle 2.

I am emotionally detached.  I don't want her as a partner but she is fun and we were good friends at least during idealisation.  I would enjoy hanging out as friends.  But I know that's a dangerous game and I'm not even sure it's possible because likely she won't be able to be as respectful and giving as she was during idealisation and I'll probably get the devaluation type flakiness and needyness

A lot to think about

If you do want to hang out with friends, a thought I have entertained with my ex as we shared so many common interests, you would have to set some very strict rules/boundries about the type of relationship you would have going forward. In my case it would involve her never talking about her mental health issues and never having the circular discussions that resulted from her worrying about every little thing in her life. That the relationship would just be about the common interests we shared, but honestly, I'd rather just do NC and surround myself with mentally healthy people because I know if she turned on the charms it would be very hard to resist.

Hi Inferno - I will be honest with you. It looks to me that you are still very much attached and are opening to the possibility of going back for more of the same. I don't judge you, I am simply describing a version of the reality that I see as an external observer. You mentioned you threw up today. I 'd advise you to visualise what you have been through with her and just this morning and then think what would you advise that person (i.e. you) to do if he was your friend? I 'd take that advice and do that if i were you!

I can't presume to know your thoughts and motives; however, the words you typed here parallel the thoughts and feelings i had in regards to retaining a friendship with my ex.

I firmly believe a normal relationship that has ended for what ever reason, in that instance, given time for feelings to level off.  A friendship with boundaries can develop and continue, i'll wager several members of this forum have this kind of contact with an ex and it works, in fact one of my exes who i no longer feel anything more than friendship for has no qualms about introducing me to her female friends on nights out and "talks me up" to them.

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With my ex with BPD, no such relationship can work as there is a constant push/pull and like others, i am either idealised or demonised.  Much anger has been projected on to me to the point where it has no effect on me any more.  Indeed i feel calm through both periods of no contact or whichever way she relates to me due to her moods.

I found eventually you protect yourself with indifference.  Even though you have perfectly natural compassion and empathy for the pain she will experience through her life, eventually you understand you have to get back to being the person you were.

With sadness i will say eventually you will feel a certain indifference for her and no longer "play games".

I wish you well.

Is she someone you can trust enough to be friends with?

Perhaps more important, can you trust yourself to keep it on that level?

We all felt great during those times of idealization.

But those times are gone, and were somewhat built of bad illusions.

If you got some closure, it might be best to accept it and move on.

Even if you didn't, it might be best to do that. Your call, not hers.

I definitely hear you all.

Just talking to her has left me with a feeling of happiness.  It's like an alcoholic having one sip and thinking he can control it.

I'm getting the "what ifs"

Man I have to be so careful here but as I say I should be able to get myself out hopefully.  I am self aware and I know this can't happen

The alcoholic example is great. What you don't want to be doing if you are an alcoholic in recovery is spending time in or near a bar.

I read a research about people with strong willpower. The secret in having strong willpower is not exercising it. Willpower is a bit like money, it can be saved and it can be used up. It's not that people with strong will power have an innate common gift, the one thing they have in common is that they avoid temptations - they know what their weak spots are (every one has weak spots) and they use foresight to avoid exposure to them which leaves them more willpower to exercise for things they want to do.

Inferno

I still often feel the same as you. I miss what I had with my ex before the flip switched.  Before I found out about BPD I tried to reconnect but my body just said no.  To be honest when you say you are detached I interpret this as you being detached from your own self and intuition.  The bond I created with my ex is confusing. The 2 became 1 and the association of access to certain emotions are objectified through my ex.  When I long for my ex what I really crave is wholeness and or to ignore pain.   At it's core is love redemption forgiveness and salvation.  Deep down you know it is an inward journey and you and your ex would be enaing each other to run away. 

That being said truth be told sometimes you might need to go back because you need to be reminded. To be broken down further to really know for yourself.  There is no shame in that inferno.  It is what it is you are ready when you are ready.

I will say that there have been times when my ex told me she was sorry, said she made mistakes, said I was a force for good in her life. There have also been times when she told me I was a bad person, that I wasn't good enough for her and that's why things didn't work out. The maddening thing about this condition is the feelings are facts and those feelings are constantly in flux. My ex was desperate to be her friend, only to treat me with indifference and disregard weeks later, and then to beg for my "friendship" again after that.

True closure in these relationships, and the hardest kind to obtain, is acceptance of the fact that our exes will never be able to have stable romantic relationships or stable friendships. Once that acceptance arrives, the positive details won't matter. It is possible to have compassion for people and to still recognize that they should not be a part of your life. Many of us, including myself, are struggling to get there.