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It's been a while since I've been here.  Things were smooth sailing for over a year.  Then in the past week he's been really mean to me a couple of times with no good reason.  I guess I forgot what it was like to have him go off.  Anyway, I gave him some heck for treating me badly and he didn't take it very well.

He told me that I make his life a living hell and that if only he was as cowardly as my ex-husband, he would take a gun, put it in his mouth and blow his head off right in front of me.  My ex killed himself in July of 2013 on the 2nd anniversary of our divorce.   Obviously that caused a great deal of pain for all concerned.  I'm working through the guilt and self-blame and have a long way to go.  He knows what I've been through and he used it without missing a beat.  He might as well of stabbed me in the heart.  I'm devastated and I just don't see any other alternative than to pack up and go.

You know, I've been here a lot.  I've read all the documents and learned how to handle myself in different situations.  Obviously I've done pretty good for things to be going so well for so long.  But right now, I'm so rattled I can't remember any of it and I don't know what to do next.

Wow... .To bring that up and use that against you... .is awful... .truly awful.

I don't have much to say other then there are people out there who care about you and support you... .no matter what you do.  Sounds like leaving may be your only option.  Try to take time to nurture yourself.  You deserve it.  Especially after that rage.  I have never experienced what you have gone through but I'm sure others have and can maybe be more helpful.

Hugs.  You are not alone.  Remember that.

Thanks caprice.  I appreciate your kind words.  If you've got any good thoughts or vibes to send out to the universe with my name on them, feel free. :)

Once they feel betrayed they use every weapon conceivable to inflict pain on us, even if we're NC. They go after our friends, relatives, children, attack us through lawyers, doctors, therapists, it's just total insanity. My BPDw's actions make me want to leave this earth, but she's still inside my darn head. Make her go away, please!

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex SoftLanding. That's a callous thing for uBPDbf to say. Sending good vibes your way .

Hang in there.

- Mutt

I've discussed this with him since it happened.  When I asked him how he could say something so horrible and cruel, I found his response interesting.  He asked me if I had any idea how hard it was for him to say it.  Wow... .just wow.

Exactly.  Wow... .just wow. 

I always found it was NEVER about you.  Always about THEM.  They lash out when they're in pain and hurting.  They don't know how to deal with emotional stuff because their self esteem is so low... .they blame it on you.

I think that's why sometimes we stay with them.  We see this hurting inner child that we want to help.  My ex didn't show his often... .but when he did, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and desired him when he started acting wounded.  However when I went down that path, sometimes he would lash out.  Like he didn't need me.  That it wasn't him that was damaged, it was me.  He couldn't admit that he had problems.

So yes never about you... .they try to pin their problems on you.  But it's always their own crap that they're going through.  Keep that in mind!

The hardest part is learning not to take things personally because they honestly know how to pick out the most hurtful things and fling them at you.