BPDFamily.com

I have been trying to detach from my BPDexgf of four and a half years.  For the last 9 days I have tried to go no contact, after breaking up with her.

She has apparently been seeing my replacement since March.  I guess after everything that doesn't really surprise me.  I know that I should be thankful that I can get out this time without the nonstop phone calls, emails, texts, guilt and suicide threats but part of me still feels upset, and angry.  I had tried two times before to leave over the last four years but would always give in after a month of no contact and respond.

I think what is different this time is that I've let go of the fantasy that things will work out.

I haven't given in to her calls and texts this time, although there haven't been many.  But I was feeling particularly strong after therapy today. And as luck would have it she called, instant anxiety, I didn't pick up but I listened to the voice mail messages she left.

I don't know what I was thinking because after all there isn't anything that she is capable of saying that I need to hear.

But this is what I got, and my response to it.

Voicemail 1

"This is the last time I'm going to be calling you, I've reached out."

   -Please stop reaching out.

"I know you don't have many friends"

   -Well you did push them all away, and would rage if I spent my time doing anything other than catering to you.

"I want to try to help you and be there for you"

   -No, thank you.

"I'm going to erase your number, and never call you again"

   -Well that would be nice.

"You can call me today, if you want to talk to me ever again"

   -Please stop trying to control me with ultimatums.

"It's been long enough that I can do that, and be okay with that"

   -Well it hasn't been long enough for me to listen to this yet.  You started in March when we were still together, I just started 9 days ago.

"I do miss you and wonder and hope you are okay."

   -Thanks... .I guess.

"I keep hitting a brick wall, it's frustrating I can't do anything about it"

   -Well I don't want you as a part of my life anymore, I want to be healthy and happy again I'm tired of being an empty shell of a person.

"I hope you are happier and getting healthy and finding out what you want to do with your life."

   -I'm trying to get there, going to therapy, finding new hobbies, and making new friends.

Voicemail 2

"My message got caught off"

   -Okay... .

"I just wanted to say I love you, I don't know that I will always love you, but I love you as a person."

   -Huh?

"And I regret a lot of things, the way a lot of things went, I don't blame myself and I don't blame you.  It's probably a lot my fault, I know you tried to let go but I clung on, I've finally gotten over it and it feels good."

   -Good for you, but can you please stop rubbing your happiness in my face.  I will get there eventually.

I'm sorry for the things I said and the things I did that hurt you, but there's truth in what I did.  There's angst too, but there's truth, I think I've finally stepped back far enough to be able to see it now.

   -... .I don't even think that's an apology.  Just a reiteration of the hurtful things, and a justification for them.

"We are not good for each other we never were!"

   -Okay.  I actually agree.  I enabled you and you used and abused me.  It wasn't a healthy relationship.

"I'm a lot happier now, I hope you are too, I'll never know but... ."

   -I am happier now than I was at the end of our relationship.  I don't miss the abuse.  I miss the girl that I met but I don't think you are that person.  I feel sorry that you have this disorder.  I don't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how I am doing though.  I do wish, you'd just respect no contact and leave me alone, to grieve the loss of the fantasy I had for our future and the loss of the fantasy that was the girl I met.

"Um... .there's a hole left... .in my life... .left from you... .but it doesn't feel sad anymore because I know if I were to keep splitting I would be miserable."

   -Surprisingly introspective.  I wish you the best, I'm glad that you are doing well.  I hope that things work out for you.

"I don't know what's going on with these messages, you're probably checking them on your phone or something."

   -I hate how you assume all I do is think about you.  I think I hate that I feel like that assumption is valid, but I feel like I think about you less and less everyday, and that gives me hope.

"I care about you, I'd just like to know how you are doing."

   -I don't want to tell you, I don't trust you.  I want to take back control of my life.

"But I can't... .I'm not going to keep calling... .it's not that I don't give a ___, I'm just moving on."

   -I was under the impression you already had, please carry on.

"I don't want you to feel guilty for anything you did... .I don't think you will because I don't think you think you did anything wrong... .but you did."

   -I thought you just said you don't blame me?  If it's any consolation I don't feel guilty.  I tried as hard as I could and I gave it everything that I had.  I now I realize that I cannot save you.  I'm trying to save myself now.  I'm sure you'd call that selfish.  But I think that it's okay to be selfish this time.  Hopefully, you find help one day.

"But, I guess call me sometime... .as a friend... .if you have something nice to say."

   - lol?  Thank you, but no thank you.

I don't know seems more like a journal entry material.  I figured I'd let my feelings out.

Anyways back to Day 1.  Resolve is stalwart.  Fingers crossed that she keeps her word about never contacting me again. 

I don't mean to offend you but I found this post hilarious. I loved the responses you were thinking in your head. It's really eye opening to see them for who they really are. She actually contradicted herself about 10 times in those voicemails and even a few times in the same sentence. The part about never calling her again and then calling her if you need a friend is priceless.

I second this meaning no offense. This post is a great chuckle especially with youre narrative responses and it put the first real smile on my face in a long time. Thank you thousandyardstare. :)

Good luck with your healing as you seem to be taking the right steps forward! Hopefully she will stick to her word... lol

Don't fret no offense was taken, I'm glad I could make guys you smile.  I don't mean to vilify her at all, it's just that I'm so exhausted lately with all this introspection.  I'm still upset, angry and like I'm moving forward so slowly.  I don't know, I guess I'm a bit envious of the fact that the she can just move forward so quickly.  One day at a time for me.

Take peace in that shes not really moving forward. Ask yourself this what kind of a healthy person contacts this heavily when theyre "moved on" still? She puts on a good act like she has her whole life of making everything seem good on the outside. But acts like this come at a price of internal pain and misery. Though there defense mechanism temporarily ease the pain the trauma is never truly processed and is just added to the core trauma which was also not addressed. In a sense like a snowball gaining mass as it rolls downs a snow covered peak. It will only continue to build to the point where (i believe this is why suicide rates are so high amoung BPDs) they cant handle all of the build up and burst.  Or like my ex numb themselves with drugs and alcohol and over the years become the same shell of a person they left us. Id take our positions over theirs anyday. Your dealing with this one day at a time which shows youre a healthy human being capable of overcoming this. BPDs like our exs will continue to cycle and dysregulate proving time and time again to make the same mistakes and choices that get them where they were in the first place. If this is not insanity i do not know what is! It truly makes me saddened in my heart that this is the path they will choose to take in a life so full of opportunity.

Ok guys - here's some more fun. What I used to do with my ex was to reverse what she was writing to me and it made absolute sense and it helped me too... .Here's an example of what I used to do based on the fine specimen provided here.


"This is the last time I'm going to be calling you, I've reached out."

I will be calling again... .

"I know you don't have many friends"

I know I don't have many friends but you do/did.

"I want to try to help you and be there for you"

I am doing this for myself and want to be there for my own needs.

"I'm going to erase your number, and never call you again"

I will not erase your number and WILL call again

You get my drift... .It is scarily accurate and reality based and has done wonders for me

Ok, I'll play.

"I love your friends!"

- I hate that you're close to your friends and can't wait to isolate you from them!

"Let me help you with your work!"

- I'm just checking that you're really working when you could be attending to my needs.

"Babe, do you know what today is?"

- You've forgotten something and I'm about to make you pay.

"I want to be treated like a princess... ."

- Despite my very well paid job, I still need you to pay for everything.

"Thank you for understanding"

- Thanks for enabling me.

Oops that turned into what she said. But what she really means is... .

Oh well, it felt good to let it out.