BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

My story in three lines. NC for exactly a month 18 August was the magic day - I have been with her for 14 months. I broke up and she has been relentlessly trying to break the NC and boundaries. At the beginning it was difficult e.g. I felt guilty blocking her etc etc. but I have been getting pretty good at this I think.

Today I woke up and found out that she sent me yet another email. I didn't respond. It is great in some ways that she is doing this in that it reinforces my understanding that she has no respect for boundaries and that she is out of control. What annoyes me today is that instead of starting to look at my own problems (incl. lack of work - I had to resign as we worked in the same company) I catch myself getting annoyed about what she is doing and coming here and typing this instead of focusing on myself - almost as a form of procrastination. Could I be drama addicted? I mean even coming here has become an addiction.

Maybe I am just being too harsh on myself and the trauma will take time to heal and not just a month. The reason I started thinking like this is that I don't think care about her anymore, certainly not in the same way I used to. I have started detaching and going no contact feels easy now. I am out of the FOG cognitively and mentally (not emotionally) and I am 100% positive there is NO FUTURE with her so I am keeping away.

So why am I still incapable of having any sort of motivation? The only thing that motivates is coming here, playing a bit of guitar and basically idling. I am 33 used to be full of enthusiasm and life and now I find myself criticising me for the way I am. Sometimes I feel hatred towards my own self. And idling is scary and makes me feel really low as if I am not responsible.  I get these anxiety attacks every other day. My pattern is one day I am feeling ok (that was yesterday) and then the next day low with a few hours of really strong anxiety where I feel that I am not good enough, I am weak that I am nothing pretty much. Does anyone relate with the above? Any similar patterns or experiences?

Freedom, I can totally understand where you coming from (heck i'm 33 too!). Don't be too hard on yourself. I think we get "stuck" because even if we know our ex wasn't right for us, we are still trying to make sense of what happened- it's hard to get past something when you don't understand it.

I think you are right though, that sometimes even this place can become an addiction, or in my case, almost a replacement obsession. With exBPD we used to text ALL DAY, every day. It became a habit. When we broke up, I was so used to having that repetitive connection with him, that I was constantly checking his FB, and his friends FB to see what he was doing, and then when I found this place, I started checking reading, learning, posting, etc. So it was replacing one habit or obsession... .for something else- yet all still tied to him.

It's hard because I still find myself doing it. Over the past couple of days, i've been tracking how many hours a day I spend physically doing something related to him, checking his FB or on this site. It put into perspective how MUCH of my day and LIFE that I'm still giving this person. Because even though I'm NC, he is still living rent free in my head and i'm wasting SO MUCH time on him. How can we move on, when we are still so stuck on spending time "with them".

I like to play mental games with myself. So this week, i'm allowing myself 15 minutes, three times a day to spend with "Him"- i.e. on this board or checking his FB. When the timer goes off on my phone, I'm going for a walk, or reading or finding something to do that isn't related to him. I'm not sure if it will work or not, but it's been 3 months and i'm tired of still being trapped in my own head, thinking about this person that probably never thinks about me.

Don't beat yourself up. Sending hugs and positive vibes your way!

Freedom, we are right behind each other in n/c. Thankfully with the help of threatening a restraining order from me, it would be a 2nd one active. His ex wife has one that she will never cancel! He decided to believe me and leave me alone.

So 4 weeks for me!

I have no temptation either and have really moved forward, taking total responsibility and acknowledgement of my part.

I've spent the last two weeks, self examining, getting out in the world massively again, reconnecting with friends and focusing on work again. I couldn't work the first week, I thought I would die from all of the pain and confusion in my head.

It takes time, and because she got through to you, maybe it's like going back to the starting line again because it plays havoc on your emotions again.

That just happened last week.

Maybe if you wrote a list of things that you need to do, it would help guide you when you can't concentrate and focus!

It takes time, my brain was in such confusion that I could make a drastic financial mistake, so I just didn't work. It was not worth the risk!

You have a job to look for now. Is your resume up to date? That might be a great start.

It is very hard to be motivated, but you have to push yourself.

Yes these threads are a really big comfort zone because everybody understands what we have all been through, so it becomes a great big comfy couch that you want to spend time on.

I feel the same way!

I tried moving to the dating board, but it's quiet and everybody I normally converse with is here.

Weaning slowly and with a different purpose now here. It's all about myself and learning and awareness. It's about trying to help others move to that place as well!

It's easy to just not do what you need to do because you are still emotionally and mentally exhausted and possibly still sad. That can suck the life, energy and motivation out of anybody.

Focus if you can, start with a to do for yourself list. Take your time and take one thing at a time to help guide you to move on with your responsibilities. If you don't need the money from work, maybe book a vacation for yourself with a friend with no phones or electronics.

Just a couple of suggestions.

You can do this, in time everything will fall into place.

One foot in front of the other.

Hugs to you freedom, it's not easy, but eventually we will all be free from any trace of the ghosts of our past!

Rifka

Hi Freedom, it's perfectly normal to have good days and bad days. After everything you went through it will take time to recover and reenergize. Like I said to you the other day, we both have experienced two major curve balls with being out of work and disengaging from our BPD ex's. Accept that whatever you do today, tomorrow, or the next day is what "you" need to do for yourself at that given moment.

I am 2+ months NC... .I ended it back in June with my ex BPDbf. However, he has not tried to contact me. With the strange exception of someone trying to log onto my email account on Wednesday (my birthday). I have him blocked everywhere, phone, email and Facebook. Can you block her emails and send them to a place where you won't ever have to see them? That may help. I honestly believe if my ex tried to contact me now I'd be feeling the exact same way as you are now. 

Again, I have good and bad days. If it makes you feel any better, today is one of my bad days. I still went for my walk. But, then I curled up on my couch and turned into a couch potatoe, I proceeded to eat 2 pieces of my leftover bday cake, turned on the T.V., came here to the board and  haven't had the motivation or energy to do anything else today. Again, I'm accepting that I'm doing what I need to do for myself today. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hang in there and please don't be so hard on yourself! 

Your words and suggestions help a lot. Thanks guys (and happy birthday red dove!)

It's difficult sometimes to go through the day in days likes this. So much anxiety that I feel exhausted right now. During the relationship with my ex I ended up hating so much myself and even my family. I don't know what happened to me. As if I was possessed and  internalised all the hatred she had for me. I am looking forward to a possibly good day tomorrow. I am seeing an old friend of mine. We used to date for a little while in our early 20s. She is a really fun person and I could well use some of that positive energy.

That should lift my spirits.

It's like when someone goes into shock from a bad experience. With further healing, you'll come out of it. Many here, me too, who have been out of our r/s longer, will attest that we're still chipping away at this stuff. Trying to get our mojo back. To feel inspired and moving instead of stuck. Another way I've been seeing it is that we went so deep, it takes awhile to find the surface again. Can't get there too fast or it makes it worse. There are times we feel the efforts and the payoff of our actions, and at other times we're just slowly floating up, or temporarily sinking again until we regain momentum. Detachment doesn't happen overnight. You're changing your patterns, opening your eyes more and more, and getting there. Believe in yourself. Keep going.