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hello family. i have been off for some time. i am trying to rebuild my life in a more healthy way step by step. I am getting myself busy. I am doing ok for the past 2 months. for 2 days, I have been feeling anxiety, palpitations, chest tightness (kind of mild panic attacks). i do not miss her nor do i am wondering about anything concerning her. i think i am in self pity and being hard on myself. i am just ruminating to myself over the fact that i have allowed myself to be sucked in by such a dysfunctional person. it was obvious from the start with lots of divorces, abortions and promiscuity (stories told during the idealization stage). how could i let myself to get involved with such person in the first place ? i was naive to think that she has changed and she is just opening up and being frank (actually i thought of it as maturity at time). i do not know why i am still here in this place after 6 months of NC. My therapist told me that he is sorry for what i have been through and that anyone could have been in my place unless he is a saint or already in a r\s. my close friends (who witnessed some her madness) told me that they would do exactly the same actions i have done till the break up. i stood up for myself. i was quick and smart to quit after 6 weeks but what is observable is the amount and time of trauma this event has caused to my life. I learned a lot from boundaries to independence and lots more but i am really fed up. 6 months of hell. i missed booze during my sister's engagement cause i was on xanax. every time i drink coffee or beer i am afraid that a panic attack would hit me. I have a very important thing to my career and life i am working on and its exam is on november. I thought i was ok one month ago and that i could handle the extra stress of such an important exam but it seems that ptsd is kicking back in. i dont know why i am still stuck on beating myself up for getting involved with her. 6 months ago, i did not know anything about abuse signs or personality disorders. i know i should be kind to myself and forgive myself. feels like i am venting but i just want to let it out. the pain is becoming boring really.

It's all good Antony. It is confusing as hell. As you know it is not really about her it's about the layer of pain between your ego and your true self. Stay with the pain.

"What you are experiencing is premature enlightenment" - Tyler durden

This is your pain scene from fight club.

www.youtu.be/TfDVLsBXYcM

Its not about her. I can really relate to what you have said. Thanks blimblam for sharing this. This video hit home. The irony is that tyler durden is his ideal self (fantasy) and marla singer is BPD imo

Sorry--I'm not feeling all that philosophical but more pragmatic. Consider me your big sister, Antony. Many of us on this board are a good deal older who spent way too much time: years or lives or child bearing times on this pain with pwBPD. Maybe spend some thankfulness time--you are ahead of many of us in your recovery. You were blessed as are we to have been given this opportunity to find ourselves.

Thankfulness may well oppose self pity, but we all go there. I would not diminish your pain. Instead, I want to validate it and challenge you to work with it. Meditation is helping me a lot where I do not deny or fight my pain. I could not bear it either way. I now am working with it, and it is an amazing teacher.

Of course were all inn this together!  And i have to agree Marla is definately BPD.  In many ways fight club follows the archetypical journey of the hero.  In the Heros journey in just about every single mythic structure the hero encounters a BPD woman that transforms him. Often there is a journey into the "underworld" before redemption.

I agree loveoflife meditation has really been key for me as my own struggle continues.

And anatony Tyler represents the idealized self and is a trickster that damns god and causes him immense pain while also being an a sociopath and an illusion. I take this as implying the ego and false self is satan. An interesting twist on the character would be the villain in movie seven.

Also interesting to ponder is the trickster god Loki from Norse mythology and djin from Islam.