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My uBPDstbxh is coming home from a business trip this weekend. Since he likes to be in charge and have power over me, he has not told me where he's been staying since we separated six weeks ago. I presume it's with the replacement, but he will not tell me how much he is involved with her.

I'm thinking about going to the airport to see if she's the one picking him up. To see how much he's involved with the replacement (or she with him). I see myself wearing a cap and dark sunglasses sitting in a corner (or is that too obvious?), seeing someone who resembles her (have seen one pic of her on FB), watching him come out through the sliding doors, and watch what happens.

Because, then I know for sure and he is not 'in charge' anymore of his whereabouts. But of course, I also know (if it IS true) it will be a devastating sight for me.

Because he's withholding information, my imagination is in overdrive. I need confirmation.

Probably a very wrong thing to do. What's your take on this?

My "take" on this is that it's totally unacceptable.  You know this.

Curiosity will likely kill the cat in this case. If you want your "power" back, stop caring.

As soon as I stopped caring she became a pathetic mess begging for my attention.

I agree it's just going to cause you more pain and I'm sure you are probably suffering enough

I just find it hard to determine what's hurting me more. The feeling that I'm being treated like a kid, not being 'in the know'. The feeling that he has power over me for doing this to me (withholding information). Dealing with my imagination being in overdrive.

What would hurt more? Knowing or not knowing?

I think knowing would give me some closure. I've seen it, it's true, I can move on. That's my state of mind right now.

My expwBPD moved on with someone else and I've tried not to find out anything but I hear snippets it just makes the pain worse. I just try and tell myself that it won't last and tell myself "she's welcome to him let her deal with all the crap" and concentrate on doing stuff for myself.

My ex wouldn't tell me what was going on (when we were still talking) but I've realised it wasn't to spare my feelings it was to make sure he had a back up option if it didn't work out.

get the power back by not caring what he's up to - even if you just fake it for now. I hope this helps I do feel for you x

Just to put another spin on it. What if your ex is withholding information due to guilt/shame. Rather than it being him in control and asserting his authority maybe it is just because he is guilty about his actions.

Either way it doesn't really make a difference the best thing you can do is as has already been said. Let it go. Don't dwell on it and get on with YOUR life and leave him to worry about his.

@Enlighten me: it's more complicated than that (just letting go). We're in the middle of divorce proceedings (financial ties), he has bonded (and broken the bond) with my kids (his stepchildren) and besides that, I'm probably not ready for letting go totally (I now realise).

Not because I want him back (he's got a replacement most likely and I do not tolerate that), but because but I'm still longing for the good guy that's hidden somewhere. I need closure for that. I need proof that the good guy that I think is hidden (overtaken by BPD/NPD) really does not exist.

While writing this though, I should be sure that there is no 'good guy' left. A good guy would not cheat on his wife. See... .writing on this board does help.

I guess I'm not mad enough yet to totally break with him. Seeing him with someone else will probably increase my rage and (I think) that's a better starting point for detaching. I can then focus even more on the bad stuff and not have to deal with the pain of loss of the 'good guy'.

I guess I'm just not far enough in the process of detaching to see the benefits of focussing on myself entirely.

And the shame/guilt that might be the reason for his witholding information? I don't know. He hasn't professed much of that during our relationship, so I don't know if he even possesses those emotions.

Hi Tiepje

I can relate to complicated. 2 failed uBPD relationships. Ex wife with two kids and exgf with 1. In contact with both exs still. Painted black by exgf and painted white by ex wife who has recently re-married.

I realise its not as easy as just letting go and looking after yourself but even if you cant let go then you still need to look after yourself. Our self neglect is what amazes me with our relationships. I put my exs needs so far before my own that I even went without food so they didn't have to go without. If your honest with yourself I bet you have made sacrifices for your ex. Things that don't seem fair now at the time you just did. This is where you need to start.

The anger I can relate to. It was my biggest friend in getting over my exs.

As for shame and guilt they most certainly do have them. If you go onto sites for pwBPD then you will see how driven they are with shame and guilt. While we think they breeze through life the reality is quite opposite.

Fantasies can be good!  Acting on the fantasy, not so good

Now, imagine getting busted for spying.  Do you have any idea how that would feel for all parties involved?  What if she doesn't pick him up?  Where would that leave you with your thoughts and feelings on the divorce proceedings?

If you're going to fantasize, go whole hog, all the way! |iiii

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Well, that's one of the reasons I'm on board (this board, not on board of his plane  lol) to make sure I'm not doing stupid things and to get more insight and to get different views on my tunnel vision.

Thanks all. I'll stay home and work on detaching myself.

Today is going to be a good day. Had a good start: gave the bathroom a good spring cleaning even though it's fall... .

I'm no shrink but this is how I see it. We have a given set of facts and emotions and our brains toss and turn them over and eventually they come to some sort of understanding. The only way to interrupt that process is to let new facts enter into the equation. That's why NC is so important! Even if you are hurting like hell right now you are doing so over a certain set of facts. Finding out new stuff will just add to your turmoil as your brain will go into overdrive processing it. If you want out of this r/s DO NOT GO. Get on with YOUR life and stay here where we will support you.

What more closure do you need? You already stated that you saw her picture on Facebook.

This is about you, not them.

You really have had more closure than most!

Save yourself and move forward. He has, yes it hurts, but stick to the facts and it is easier to heal.

My thoughts are that this will only cause you more pain! Haven't you had enough?

…I don’t think you need to know any more than he has a mental disorder he cannot control, thus, neither can you…  Any time I’ve come close to ‘spying’ on my uBPDxgf my blood began to boil -- to the point I knew it wasn’t healthy, and forced myself to let it go.  You’ve ties, so will likely see more than you need or care to with regard to his next victim.  You may rightly pity her, but I wouldn’t seek anything more.

Ten months out, I’ve not removed ‘her’ photos from my album, just haven’t looked at them (much)…  If she looks good, great, that may go a ways toward helping explain why I was taken in by her.  And, before they totally turned on us, they were a part of our lives, so there’s no reason not to acknowledge that. 

This is his loss more than yours …I think ‘we’ all feel that.  And, had he remained in your life for a couple more years, what then?  His core behavior and disorder would have been the same, and you’d only have wasted two more years on him…  It seems one of their methods to cope with the feeling of loss is to ‘monkey swing’ (don’t know if that’s the term, but I liked it – not letting go of a previous branch before having grabbed the next) to their next host.  How nice.  Going straight from a r/s they’ve destroyed to one they’ve yet to destroy…

I’d spent 3.5 years with my BPDx, dodged ‘marriage’ municipal times, and recycled seven times I can remember.  She was 44 when we met and admitted a pattern of BPD behavior for most of her life … though refused to admit having the disease itself.  I don’t know who she’s with or currently grooming, and ‘can’t’ care.  But what we should all remember is, though there may be something within us making us more susceptible to BPD ways, the inevitable end of the r/s was not because of us.  And, their next will end as well.

Time heals … and I like your vision of the care home lol …it may take that long…  Yours did what they do, only this time he did it to you.  I feel your pain... and it isn’t fair, but we are living life, and though hurt, eventually stronger and wiser for the adversity.  Already my daughters are the recipients of the wisdom I’ve acquired after this ordeal.  They witnessed it along with me and now appreciate what I went through and are aware such stuff’s out there.  Learn from our negative experiences and avoid repeating them…  And just think of the entertaining stuff we’ll have to share at The Home :)

Thank you for your kind and wise words (and that applies to all of the people who took the time to respond). Since I'm at the beginning of detaching, most things are new to me and I need to validate what my mind already knows, but what my heart is not ready to admit yet.

I agree with everyone else, don't do it. I speak from personal experience. Back in May I saw a piece of paper on my ex BPDbf coffee table with my name and another women's name along with our cell phone numbers. I already suspected he had lied to me and cheated on me. When I opened the paper it contained al, of his contacts. Apparently his cell phone was on the fritz and he wanted to ensure he didn't loose his suppliers (yes plural)! Didn't know at the time he had BPD. We were together off and on for 4 years.

I told my best friend about the paper. She asked to see it. Unbeknownst to me she went online and was able to do reverse look up on one of the other women's cell number. The next Saturday night my ex BPDbf cancelled plans with me. He claimed he was with his best friend who was in a bad way due to having a fight with his girlfriend. I called my best friend and she offers to take me to dinner. It was early when we were done and she said, hey, it's a nice night, let's go for a ride. I had no idea she had obtained the other women's address thru the reverse look up! We entered a town I wasn't familiar with and as she made the final turn down the OW's street, she told me where we were. I was upset, although I know she was well intentioned. Low and behold there was a car that looked exactly like my ex BPDbf's parked in the driveway. My best friend took a photo and asked if I knew his plate number. I didn't. She told me to drive by his house in the morning, see of he was home and check the plate number.

When I woke up at 730am, I took a drive by his house. Guess what, he wasn't home. I then went by again at 10:30am. His car was in the drive way and the plates matched the photo. I then drove to Dunkins Donutsmto calm down. I don't remember driving to Dunkins or back home! Luckily it was only a mile away, but very dangerous thing to have done. Not to mention we (my best friend and I) could have gotten into legal trouble for stalking!

Sp please learn from my mistake and don't go.