BPDFamily.com

Hello my BPD friends,

We come here suffering so much and hopefully begin to heal as quickly as possible.

Self reflecting, facing hard facts and emotional support are some of the many doorways we enter here.

I see so many still struggling to understand what is not understandable?

Trying to make sense of something that normally would make no sense at all.

It hurts to see so much internal pain go on for so long and the torture of our exes continuing through torturing ourselves.

There were beautiful memories and outrageous sexual escapades, but that's because they tapped into the deep us and let us be everything that we can be!

We loved who we were in the initial stages, but that is who we are, not them.

We saw our own reflections in their mirror and loved it!

We were then torn to shreds and slowly manipulated to think that good us, is not good! Then when fighting back to get us and being ready to leave, they gave us back again, it's the good us, not the good them!

For them it is a manipulative mind game to get what they need, for us, it's our natural self full of love.

We are different and love purely and completely. I really feel we loved the us, not really them even though it felt that way!

We yearn for them in our thoughts and dreams, but is it really a yearning for the real us?


I wish that I could here the happiness and ah ha, I get get it and I'm not looking back anymore.

I want to hear that all contact has been disarmed because we took our power back!

Photos erased, no fb spying, or whatever electronic contact is now n/c because of you.

Erase old messages, texts, everything that can make more pain in your life or keep this pain going.

Hasn't everybody been through enough hurt and pain?

I know I had enough and took a stand for me on August 3rd.

I'm about me now and deserving people!

Rifka

I like this, Rifka!  Thank you for sharing... .I'm still trying to get there... .Trusting I eventually will... .He is currently mirroring me back... .Maybe he "senses" that I've been taking steps to leave... . 

Yes Ripka! I needed to hear this today! Thank you! I'm not quite at the place of being able to delete all her texts, pics, etc. but maybe I'll get there soon (just tried and couldn't do it  :'(  ).

The thing is I know I could have done things better, so even though I don't think it is fair that she blames me for EVERYTHING, I do deserve a big chunk of it.

Ack, why can't I delete her messages! I'm trying to but can't. I can delete the hateful ones but not the loving ones. What does that say about me?

I'm not re-reading exchanged messages/emails or looking at pictures, but I don't want to erase them. That would be denying my past. It would be erasing six years of my life and of my kids life. I don't believe that is necessarily a good thing.

I hope to come to a point in my life (probably when I'm in a retirement home) that I will find the understanding and the mildness of old age to look at those six years from a distance and seeing only the good things that happened and which created and/or contributed to the person I am then.

This helped me alot. Brought me to tears. I deleted all the messages and voice mails and videos a week ago. It was like part of me died. Im 6 days into NC and I struggle. I do believe she mirrored the real me. Thanks for the post. It took the edge off a sad sad pain.

Sorry for your pain, Whitey... . ... .I personally am in the process of making that final decision to get healthy myself... .and go... .  Just thinking about these parts of it... .NC, deleting and throwing everything away of "us" is horrible... .Just wanted to say someone out here feels bad you are hurting.  So thankful for this message board, because I know we all understand each other, and it helps.  Thanks again, Rifka, for your positive words and encouragment to us all out here... . 

Deleting thing while doing it is painful, but the relief when you finish is like weight off your shoulders.  It's amazing! It's also was a big step towards going forward on my own path. I needed to do that to not be able to look back and torment myself.

It took me to another level, another stepping stone. I was drowning, I had to save myself. Only I could be in control of me and saving myself, or giving up and die inside!

I have too much love and life inside of myself to allow that, so I did what I felt necessary for me, and it helped me more than I can explain!

I'm in such a great place, I wish you would all join me here celebrating us and the beautiful people we are.

Yes everybody can do better, that's part of growing. The thing is nobody could do better for them. We expired in their minds!

We can only do better for us!  

You are an inspiration right now, to me... .It helps to hear from the perspective you have "on the other side".  I wish someone could walk with me through the hard things I have to do, if I so choose to do them... .:/... .I do feel  my two choices are 1)make this decision and JUST DO IT!, or 2)give in/give up and just submit myself to wrestling forever for any right to personal thoughts/actions here... .Any advice you have for this part of the process is welcome!  :)

Thank you there is hope. I'm here grab my hand, I'm strong I can pull you, but you have to want to come.

It is the other side!

It's clear here, no abuse, no confusion, lots of confidence and living life again! I'm really so happy.

For me I know it was easier than some because of no marriage or children that we had together.

I'm not saying that worked for me, works for everybody, but I do know I'm in a great place now, so it worked for me.

Memories are in my head, I remember everything, I just focus on the bad and it keeps me focused on staying healthy.

I don't need pictures to remember! I sent his children the pics of them with their dad, but there is no need for me to take up extra space on my phone or iPad, he has no importance in my life anymore!

It's all about us and happiness!

We all decide for ourselves when we want to leave this pain behind. It's a decision, a hard one, but our decision

Rifka

Very very true... .I'm happy for your freedom... .and hopeful for it here too... .Thanks for being there!  :)

Thanks Rifka for your words of encouragement and inspiration to those of us still struggling and our journeys to understanding and acceptance. Wish I could get in a time machine like the Delorean from Back to the Future and join you in the peaceful place you have worked hard to get to. Congratulations on making it to the other side.

I've been no contact since June. Final break up and NC initiated by me. Like you, I was not married to my ex BPDbf, nor were there children involved.

I finally got up the strength to delete the text messages from my iPhone. Like others, I only saved the nice ones. However, there were a lot of text after 4 years! I realize they were just words now and had no meaning. My ex BPDbf's actions didn't come anywhere close to those words. Thank goodness the iPhone has a "delete all" option! All texts fine in one false swoop.  :)

I also took the last cards he gave me and a love letter, lit a fire in the fire pit in my backyard and burned them. Sorta had a cleansing ceremony. It felt good to let the words and imaginary fairy tale disappear into the sky!

Thanks again for your positive and inspirational message. 

It's good cleansing red dove! Good for you! My first stage step was throwing all cards, letters, and notes into the garbage on the day I knew the truck would take them away.

Second step  photos from phone, hundreds of them.

Third, iPad. I had to learn how to do that, I'm quite tech challenged, but it was done and I posted while taking these steps.

It felt great after I finally did it!

It was very freeing, I am really not stuck on anything about him, I really completely get it and have moved forward.

Next step, accepting a date from one of the men who have been asking.

I needed time to heal and re evaluate myself, the best I have offered anyone has been platonic only friendships.

I'm almost there, ready for a real date, from a real man! My radar is up, my red flag alert flashing light and siren in hand, my construction hard hat on, my hazmat body suit on!

IM BRINGING SEXY BACK LOL!

Rifka

Good post Rifka! Hope everything is going well for you today. When all of the contact, pictures, and memorabilia are gone but the pain isn't, this should tell us that we are faced with our selves, and that is our problem. Not them. No one holds that kind of power over the self except the self. Great start! Best regards.   

Thank you,

I'm doing great!

I think when I realized that I just made a very big mistake it was easier for me.

I loved the wrong man, trusted the wrong man and gave myself to the wrong man.

I avoided and made excuses for the red flags, compromised my opinion and life style to avoid arguments and stayed too long with a man who did not deserve me.

IM HUMAN, ITS OKAY!

RIFKA

Go Rifka go!

PwBPD also pick up/take on/reflect back out pieces of other people they have been with in the past. So some of the good things we liked about them were really things that came from someone else. Just as the next people they're with will like things about them that came from the pwBPD being with us.

Yes I'm sure they do pick up many things from the trail of destruction that is left behind. We can't really worry too much about that, it's time for all of us to heal and worry about celebrating how wonderful we all are.

Self improving us! Fixing what we are not really too happy about ourselves, it's time to grow happier, stronger and enjoy life again with ourselves. We have to love us to be able to bring good healthy people close to us!

Stop walking the plank, turn around and refuse to walk overboard into the water!

I just deleted all her texts! Woo hoo! That's a first for me. The other NCs have been her NCs (more or less) -- now this one is for me.

I kept the handwritten love notes and letters, only to remind me that the horrible things she said at the end were no the eat she had always felt about me.

All photos burned. All electronic deleted.

Psychob___ who?

Yes, deleting everything and releasing all connections with her was liberating to me also.  I remember how she used to save every text and every email, and when we fought, the same ones would come up over and over again.  How she distorted the things I said or did or even what I looked, and made me out to be so uncaring and cruel.  I wondered why she clung to them and wouldn't delete them.  You have to wonder the same things about yourself. What value is there in keeping them around.  For me they would represent so much hurt, and shame and blame that I got from her constantly.  Let go of the relationship.  Let go of it completely. 

Yesterday: deleted her texts

Today: deleted her contact info on my phone

Tomorrow: we'll see!

I am so proud of you K.C !

It's really hard, but you will heal faster cutting all ties to anything and everything possible.

Way to go! 

Rifka

Thanks Rifka! You are an inspiration! Today I deleted all her pics off of my phone! Tomorrow?

KC,

I remember this well. Keeping the sweet loving messages and deleting the hurtful and hateful ones. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. You will get there. Right now those messages remind you of the wonderful amazing person you are... .You will get to the point where you won't need those messages to remind you. You will see it and feel it in yourself.

Rockinne,

Go for you! No physical trace of him was so important for me to move forward. I was rereading texts, looking at pictures and feeling so sick to my stomach because my mind and body literally craved the amazing things I had wanted so badly to be real!

I was physically ill, vomiting, not able to eat, bedridden and not use to anybody the first few days of initial shock. I released myself, was totally drained, all my life sucked out of me.

Getting rid of everything started me on the road to recovery. My head became in control of my heart. I had a daily plan that I wrote myself ( my steps to recovery) I thought everything out logically of what I needed to do to detach!

Going to the police and filing a stalking report was very hard mentally, but I needed the strength of him not being allowed to contact me for myself!

Your ex kept the texts to be able to comfort her fights in her own head. She also kept them to be able to have evidence to throwing your face or manipulate you.

You did great! Congrats to you for cleaning out the things that can hold you back!

The process of deleting stuff has been interesting. It's helped me to "lean into the pain" as they say here. It has also helped me identify what illusions I've been holding onto things and then have a conversation with myself in my head about those illusions. For example:

Me 1: Oh I loved this moment, this memory (a video of her singing a song to me in the car)

Me 2: Yes, this was a wonderful moment, but now the attachment is not good for your flourishing as a person, for living in peace and in love. Better to let it go.

Me 1: Okay, I'll try it, and also I have the memory in my head if I need to access it. I'll do it as an experiment in detachment.

Sounds like you might be on your way this time KC.

Good for you. I was thinking that most of us want to keep the great, fun exciting part alive, so we keep the memories. The only big problem is by keeping that alive is also keeping your heart yearning, and showing your eyes and brain the pictures, voice mail, text, Facebook to not heal properly.

So many are still spying or have not completely blocked the ex on fb.

Why is that?

So many are answering unknown calls when you have blocked them.

Why is that?

DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED CALLS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BREAK N/C ITS THEM!

So many are answering calls, texts, emails?

Why is that?

Unless children involved, I guess my question is why when somebody has already treated us like crap, maybe cheated on us, may have a sexually transmitted disease now, may have physically abused us. Definitely mentally abused us.

Why do we want them back?

What would you tell your best friend or child if they told us about this situation and how abused they were?

Why not follow the same advise we would give?

There really is a point where we all have to pick ourselves up, wipe the dirt off and just free ourselves of this destruction. I know it is very hard and everybody has different situations.

We have to stop being afraid of being alone with ourselves.

We don't have to answer the phone because it rings, it okay to tell yourself no!

Sacrificing ourselves and losing who we are at the hands of BPD has to end.

I know many here are ready to do this, some are not and it's each persons choice.

Just try to listen to your head (above your shoulders) and not your heart in this situation.

Try it, you might like the clarity, the freedom, the peace of mind and the opportunity to find somebody who deserves you, when you are ready!

I LOVE IT!

Rifka

Rifka you have helped me tremendously today.  Im day 7 NC and it is painful. Ive had to process revolting and disgusting facts about my ex yet I still like a death of a loved one has happened. Your words are enlightening thank you.

It perhaps the good they saw in you was really them.

I'm not really agreeing with that. I will budge and say maybe (its who they would like to be in that current relationship) they are completely somebody else in the next relationship.

Kind of like the movie, CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! Based off a true story of somebody becoming who they need to be for that time period.

That was not BPD, but some people have the ability to make believe they are something or somebody they are not!

Will time heal,


It sounds like you are on your way as well to the healthy finish line. You are totally correct! We just need to believe in ourselves and see that we are great! We don't need supportive messages that make us feel good from liars! We need to know it ourselves!

WE ARE GREAT AND WONDERFUL AND GAVE OUR ALL, know it in your heart! Know it in your head! Know it for yourself!

Hugs to everybody.

Rifka

Thanks Rifka,

Getting stronger and stronger everyday.

My relationship ended very recently and I'm still very lost in everything that happened. I guess I haven't read enough on BPD to fully understand your post. My friends have told me that everything my ex did was an act. Are you saying there's nothing real in them?

I really miss the original him. But if that was only me reflected I must be pretty wonderful because the man I feel in love with was wonderful. So I guess in a way we got to see what we were like. And we are great. 

Hi Timbo,

Welcome and yes there is so much that you have to read to understand all of the confusion and questions you have running around in your mind.

Something's really never will make complete sense to you or us because we think and react very differently than a pwBPD.

Please try and read as much possible and post your story in detail so that everybody can help you.

What your ex did was mirror you. They never show who they are, they show a different persona with each new attachment they find.

When you get too close and fall in love with them, you want to get closer. When they know you have committed to them they start abusing you and sabotage the relationship so that they get away before you can abandon them. They then quickly move to the next host.

Basically, yes the person you loved was you!

Read as much as possible to heal yourself.

People are really wonderful here.

Rifka

Yes hope, we are great!

There was no original him, it was just wonderful you in the mirror.

Myself and Rifka--this not only is very true but I have a rare, happy ending story. My exbfNPD cheated on me with another woman (actually there were many), but when I met his new SO, she quickly said to me, "You're the one I've loved all along." She was perceptive enough to see that the exbfNPD had assumed many of the good parts of me in their idealization phase. She dumped him after finding out he was cheating on her; she has been my bestie for the past two years and will remain so for life. She has stood beside me with unwavering support through the horrors now of exbfBPD. With Rifka's inspiration, I thought another success story was in order :-)

That is awesome.  What a great outcome!  Thank you for sharing!  :)

I am great friends with my exBPDbfs first ex wife! They have children together and when it was his weeks they stayed in my home and spent the entire time with their dad and my family. I reached out to her months ago in between a recycle. My ex kept telling me that if I had so many questions that I should talk to his exes. He never gave me their numbers. I found them myself on the internet and wrote messages to the two ex wives. They both got back to me with so much information. I stayed friends with exw number one. She has become so major in the healing, we both help each other emotionally. We speak for many hours every week, not about the ex, mainly about life, moving forward, the kids, anything and everything. She told me that she is lucky to have me as her friend and I completely feel the same.

I never told my exbf that I was friends with his exw. He would have gone ballistic!

His exw was my biggest supporter, the one I cried my heart out to and the only person who understood what I was going through. He tortured her for over 9 years of marriage. She is only now dealing with this BPD diagnosis since we finally know what it is. Their children both have it as well. She has her hands full!


You are lucky to have each other!

Rifka

Wow, these are amazing stories! Rifka, his children has it as well? I suspect that my ex's daughter has it too (my ex told me she was thought she might have it as well). How did his kids having it too affect you?

Hey KC,

I just found out about him being diagnosed with BPD mid August. I told his ex wife and she figured out that the kids have the same behavior. One is exactly like his dad, the other has it more controlled. She told the school therapists about the fathers diagnosis. They are being tested, but they do have many of the same traits.

It didn't effect me, because they love being with me and my daughters, so they were always on their best behavior when they visited. They live thousands of miles away from me. We talk weekly.

How are you doing KC? You can private message me if you want!

Rifka

Yeah baby!

Thanks Arminius

Today was a tough one and the thought that I am worthy of an awesome relationship with someone as awesome as I feel in love with was about the only thing that soothed me. What an experience. I miss him. Good him. Healthy him. Ok well the him I met and knew for the first year or so. So I guess I miss me. I guess I should call me up and take me to dinner.

Imagine if all us nons could start a site and meet one another. We must be wonderful lol Kidding. Now I sound like the NPD.  |iiii

No seriously,

This is one hell of a group of lovely compassionate people!

Most of the people here are so amazing, now if you would only believe that yourselves it would be great!

We all deserve to be loved the way we give love!

All joking aside, yes you should take yourself out for a great evening, I do, because I deserve it!

Rifka