BPDFamily.com

Hi,

If you searched my previous posts, you'd see that I was mostly in the Staying, or at times, the Undecided forums. Finally, here I am in the "failed relationship" section.

I'll try to skip the whole history, as I'm sure it's fairly textbook. My wife and I separated around six months ago - she lives within walking distance (a choice that seemed to make sense for the sake of the children). Around four weeks ago, however, after a typical argument, we started "seeing each other" secretly. (Again, I'm sure the secrecy requires no explanation.) She has been doing a lot better (including self motivated proactive therapy etc) and has even changed her whole approach to parenting to align with mine (something that I was shut out of for the first 4 years of our oldest's life) and her whole appreciation of the definition of respect.

This only makes the whole impossibility of the marriage/relationship hurt all the more.

I have been in denial about the severity of my own contribution to the failings of the relationship for so long. She intuitively pointed them out at every opportunity (in her usual extreme manner that I need not describe). I mean I could analyse my role in arguments and identify where I went wrong and I tried implementing the various strategies practiced here ... .etc, but the issue is deep down inside ME.

As she improves, I do not. I cannot let go of the hurt that I have buried into my subconscious. I cannot fully forgive her or detach from the heartache and pain she has caused me. The years of frustration and torment from being disrespected, manipulated, lied to, etc etc ... .The issue is that I have been unable to respect HER fully and my subconscious is in its own defensive mode where it cannot separate her mental illness from who she is. Having reached this understanding completely now (obviously I had my doubts over the years and love became overpowered by negative feelings during the bad times, but this is like a total radical acceptance of reality discovery), I am feeling a sense of misdirection and despair in my life.

I also feel extremely guilty for the pain I myself have caused her by trying to maintain a relationship that I should have realised could not work. As she herself said, I shouldn't have even married her. I even had these subconscious feelings of doubt on THE day.

I feel like a bad and weak person. Why couldn't I realise sooner and detach? Why do I feel so lonely and, even worse, why am I looking to move on so quickly? Have I lost respect and love for myself? Is that why I'm open to looking for "the one" again so soon? Can I not live with myself? These are some questions that are polluting my mind.

I have booked in therapy with a psychologist I saw a few times when times were rough. I know people here are not able to, nor trained to, provide professional guidance, but I needed to confess my sins and publicise the emotions and truths I had hidden from everyone including myself.

What's next?

I am sorry you are feeling despair... .I can relate with your feelings.  I am still in r/s with uBPDh, but something in me has wanted to leave ever since I can remember... .I can relate with your subconscious hurt place having a hard time forgiving her... .I haven't put that into words before I read your words, but I believe that is what I feel as well.  I have said, "I feel broken".  I can't seem to get over uBPDh's abuse, even in times when he is acting good (like right now).  Just wanted to thank you for sharing, and say that I think it is a brave thing to be honest "out loud", and also to be honest with yourself.  I have learned so much through this BPD r/s... .including how much I wasn't being honest even with myself before now.  I'm excited to learn how to be REAL now... .  God bless!

Thank you for your kind words. I have noticed a growing interest (borderline obsession) in being brutally open and transparent with people about myself in recent times. I wonder if this was my subconscious preparing itself for the ensuing freedom and eventual (fingers crossed) healing of the truth. I suspect it's also in compensation for the lies; both between my conscious and subconscious and also the secrecy of the on-off attempts at preserving the relationship that I know my friends and family (and hers) would disapprove of so strongly.

My own intuition hinted at this self discovery countlessly and at times I felt I had reached and accepted this conclusion already. The fact that I denied myself radical acceptance of the truth is in part why I feel so self loathing right now. I have been called everything imaginable by my ex, but egotistical is still ringing true (like a scream of terror reverberating in an infinite hall of concrete). To place all blame on her for so long, just because my subconscious could not separate her horrible mistakes from my actions and reactions is by definition, selfish. The despair must be a result of having lost myself and no longer knowing who I really am and in realising that there actually is some truth to the heart wrenching accusations I have shielded myself from for years.

Documenting my thoughts now while they are inked with tears seems the best way to preserve the truth in case my subconscious attempts to shy away from the harsh reality once again. I can refer my psychologist here if I lack the words when the need arises.

I wish communities such as this actually existed in the flesh in my area ... .I think the ability to disclose all this in person would add an extra element of liberation.

I too, wish this existed in my area... .Maybe it does... .but until I get freedom from here, I would not be at liberty to attend such a thing, or anything else, for that matter... .It all comes with too high a price (anger/rage/unhappiness... .) Man, am I under the spell of this, or what? 

I have had to be honest with myself as well... .I apparently have major co-dependency issues... .so much so that the above paragraph exists... .  I have lied to others and myself... .perpetuated a mask of who I thought I should be, and who I actually thought I was, until the horror of BPD pointed out my very grave faults.  Finally, I had to look at myself at the deepest level and be honest there.  Now I want to heal and become a better person for real, with authenticity, honesty and openness in all areas in all ways... .

First and foremost, I must find freedom... .either here, by SOMEHOW creating boundaries and standing up for my own independent thoughts and principles and actions I deem necessary to take (I have NOO idea how to do this because I have become a shell, a slug, simply existing as a shadow of uBPDh, in HIS world, in HIS ways... .), or by SOMEHOW gathering up enough strength and belief in the necessity of removing myself from here and getting to a healthier place ... .Feeling horribly stuck... .yearning for light and life and sunshine and peace ... .

All I can say is be true to yourself. If for a second you feel you aren't being true or respectful to yourself, CHANGE something. You have two choices ... .stand up for who you are; your beliefs, your morals, your interests, etc etc and don't accept any disrespectful behavior towards you any more. Do not live in fear of being yourself or doing what you want to do, (within reason). OR leave him without trying any of it. Maybe it's too late, like it is for me?

This really is the conclusion I've come to.  I HAVE to be true to who God created me to be because in not doing so, I  have felt as though I was slowly dying inside, and/or going crazy... .

This is EXACTLY what I'm trying to determine right now... .I notice I'm having a lot of a "feeling mean" type of feelings for even considering simply making the choice to leave and not look back... .I feel guilty thinking about the ways I know he is trying harder not to be mean to me... .but some of it still happens which makes me feel like giving up more and more... .I feel like MY love isn't strong enough, and MY patience is thin, and I'M the one "giving up"... .This whole thing is horrible to deal with... .