BPDFamily.com

My ex GF of 4 years split on me once again about a month ago.  She does it many many times.

I'm a youtube partner which means I earn money for my youtube videos.  A long time ago I made a few videos that are averaging around 50k views, just for her.  Now Deep down, I do believe this girl is crazy.  She already replaced me and does nothing but post pictures of her and my replacement on social media sites... almost like shes bragging about it.

But last night I was checking my Analytics for my youtube videos and earnings and being a partner, I can see EXACTLY who viewed what, what they typed in the search to view it, where they accessed the video, what device they used, what time, what their account name is, etc etc etc.   And I noticed SHE watched a few of my videos that I made for her.  WHY.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY WOULD SHE when she's parading around posting pics of her and the replacemement.

She always does this after she splits from me.  She takes about a month... then she just stalks my videos that I made for her.

Having borderline personality disorder absolutely sucks.  Getting too close to someone feels really bad, getting too far away from them feels really bad, so finding that middle place, the place that is always moving, is the only place that feels a little good, for a little while, and is the goal; a constant yearning for contentment that never lasts.  I say let her enjoy your videos, for whatever peace it gives her, just don't look at who looked, better to focus on a more healthy tomorrow.  Take care of you!

But why would she flaunt that shes 'Oh so over me" and be dating someone else that she only knew for 9 days and yet still be looking at my stuff?

The push/pull nature of the disorder.  She's no more comfortable with it than you are.  Just think about someone who's fear of abandonment is at the center of their lives, while being convinced it will happen.  And leaving you first, and finding a new attachment, is a way to take control of the fear and feel better.  That doesn't make it ok, but it does make sense to someone who is emotionally immature.  She's probably looking at your videos because it gives her a feeling of an attachment she once had, but doesn't trust, for reasons that have nothing to do with you.  Time to take care of you; you're the only one who will.

I suppose that makes sense.  She always looks at them and starts to paint me white from them because she realizes all the good ive done for her.  Then she'll start posting pictures on FaceBook or other social medias of her with depressed face expressions and captions below the picture going, "ughh ".  It's hilarous to watch, even though I should move on with NC (which I am.)  It's just funny to see someones world come crashing down when just a month or 2 ago they ditched me so happily.  Then all the BPD symptoms take hold and she always tries to reconnect.

UPDATE: 2 days later lol shes stiiiiilll doing it.  :l  I will never understand.

There she is watching from the outside and obviously caring and there you are not giving a hoot. Right? 

I suppose lol

They have numerous attachments on the go plus a boyfriend. It's not only your stuff that she is looking at, it's more than likely that after she checks your videos, she peaks at her ex's ex's facebook profile, then she checks and old email from an older flame, then she chats on whatsapp with an acquaintance that might be the replacement of the current supply, then checks a few handsome dudes at tinder, then masturbates with a fantasy of the perfect man and goes to sleep. Don't take it personally, too seriously or feel too special about it. It's part of the disorder package.

Actually all of that I believe.  Because while she was with me for all 4 years... and with her Ex's before me, she'd always go on instagram and chat with random guys and send pics of herself in her underwear to them even though she didnt even know them.

As for the Ex's Ex's thing... i'm 100% sure she doesnt do that.  She used to 2 years ago but After seeing that 2 of them were practically borderline serial killers and were sent to prison... shes stray'd away from looking at past people.  

But yes... the rest of it is sadly true.  She had an app similar to tinder about a year ago with me and I said I wasn't having it.  It feels like BPD is basically just a disorder for people who want to cheat 24/7.  Is that part of it?  They always will cheat?  Why?

There are those here who are convinced their BPD's aren't into cheating. It's possible since not everyone is the same. I would think the non cheating BPD's are a minority. I didn't think mine was doing it when we were together but now I'm not so sure.

Mine was definetely flirting with a lot of guys. I told her that her behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable so to make me feel less jealous about it she said that I have nothing to worry about and she likes me so much that before she met me she wanted to grab every man's balls but not anymore - this really soothed me... .now why on earth I stayed with her after that one god only knows... .

One day she came and told me that a colleague of ours was flirting with her, preparing tea for her in a special mug and telling her that she 's a man-eater.

A box of condoms in her flat that had at least 4-5 inside since my last visit a month or two before was empty and we didn't use it together (that's a big red flag). She may have taken them out of the box and put them somewhere else but that's not very likely as she asked me 'do you have condoms?' before we started having sex and I said no and went to find the box while she was discouraging me from doing so - anywhere else aside her flat would be inexcusable and obviously there weren't any left. More than likely she used them on someone's dck. I didn't ask for the truth at the time as it didn't matter. By then I realised that I 'd never get the truth our of her.

So I have never confirmed 100% whether or not she actually cheated on me but if I had to bet I 'd probably go for yes - if anything I think she did it out of revenge - during on of our taking space times. She was the most vindictive, sadistic person I have met in my life.

The one time I definitely know she cheated on me (I know because I was there) it was revenge for me allegedly sleeping with other women. I wasn't.

I'll use your words, why I stayed with her after that God only knows.

I used to think that same thing... Only recently have I remembered that she had an emotional affair with me when she lived with someone, and pestered me to take her out but I refused until she was single and living alone. I was in denial

She also always told me about all these guys texting her who wanted her.  Not sure the motive, make me feel jealous, erode my confidence/self esteem + get me to fawn over her (it never worked, I am generally not a jealous guy)

I am pretty much convinced that she met someone else, quickly fell for him the way she did me, and then I was gone to pursue this new relationship. Fun stuff, what goes around comes around I guess... But when will it be her turn, I wonder

This really depresses me.  Is there no hope for her to understand that she has a cheating problem?  Why does she even cheat all the time?  Mine cheated on me like 5 times.

Whenever I saw my exBPDgf flirting and showing her ass to ppl in text messages, I would say that I wasn't comfortable with that.  And she would tell me, "YOURE BEING CONTROLLING!  I CAN LIVE MY LIFE!  YOURE NOT LETTING ME LIVE MY LIFE AND DO WHAT I WANT!"  And I just said, Wow... you have a boyfriend.

So she automatically pulled the "controlling" card on me.  And sometimes she would come back to me and tell me that she wasn't going to use social media anymore.  I didn't really care if she did or didnt... but when she left me again, she blamed me for not being able to use it, saying, "YOU DON'T LET ME USE INSTAGRAM!"  And I said, "What? I don't give a crap what you use.  Youre the one who said you didnt want to use it!"

So whats with all the cheating in BPD :/.  Can they not see it for themselves?  I'm so confused.

And There are 2 other times where I considered her cheating as well... but she denies it at cheating because she "moved on".

She just straight up, CUT OFF ALL COMMUNICATION, wthout breaking up with me.  I was left in the dark.  So for weeks while I was trying to reach her, she went off dating someone else.  In my mind I was still dating her because she was my GF the last time I talked to her.

For me that's a definite red line... .Walk away sort of thing.

Ouch man... .Ouch... .Ouch... .Sorry to hear this.

They can see it but they don't care because they can't care Algae. If they did care they would feel that they are bad and that would annihilate them.

I saw   's with my ex. Password locking her cellphone when she had not done it in the entirety of our marriage. Spending more time on her phone texting, taking the phone to the bathroom etc. I had asked her point blank. "Is this about another man" She smiled and laughed and said "No Mutt, it's not"

Looking further back I had my SIN (same thing as SS in US) used to open an account with another cell provider than what I currently have. I get a phone call from the provider saying that I owed 1700. I got that settled but it's not fun having to go to credit bureaus to reporting this stuff.

I'm good with keeping things secure and I think that it was my ex and it was an EA, maybe physical other physical ones other than her boyfriend in our marriage.

I trust my intuition. It's still speculation but knowing what I know now she likely did.

That has to be hard seeing her cheating on you while you were there Mr Hollande. She's dissociating her feelings with the shame and guilt of cheating by altering reality and saying that you were sleeping with other women.

I could say the same as well. Why didn't I try and expose her affair to her? I stayed because I was trying to keep the family together. I also trusted her and I didn't think that she would go as far as she did because of her disdain for cheating. I think we all stayed for our own reasons but we mustn't be hard on ourselves. It's a good opportunity to learn from this. I learned to trust my intuition and to not have other people tell me that my reality is different than how I perceive it. Reality is open to debate. Feelings and emotions are real.

I'll set boundaries early in future r/s's. If there's cheating, I'm sorry but our r/s is over.


BPD is an attachment disorder.

Welllllll is there anyway to make them see and care i suppose? :/



BPD is an attachment disorder. [/quote]
That makes sense.  But why do they attach themselves to random people then?

It's not about you or other people. It's about their trauma and having an unstable sense of self.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189710.0

It mirrors the unstable and inconsistent attachment pattern they grew up with.

We were on holiday in another country and she pulled that one at a party. We were meant to be heading further in land the day after to stay with a good friend of mine. Had I had any sense I would have taken her cases out of the car and said "Well then Miss BPD, it was nice being with ya but I gotta get going!". Vroomvroom! I didn't because I had felt so very lonely the few years leading up to her entering my life. So off to my friend we went and we had a great time. No more drama that holiday. Had I left her there I would have spared myself so much pain and trouble.

I see a lot of people here mention how we need to forgive ourselves. I just look back and smile while shaking my head. I am not angry with myself. Maybe I should be but I don't see what good it would do. I'm not even angry at her for what she did there. I am mainly angry for the last six months of torment by heavy devaluation, gaslighting, projection, lies and mind games with the final push out the door by introducing her new love while laughing at me. That's why I hate her. That final humiliation was when it was over for me. If she had done that in front of me and not over the phone I could have been in prison for manslaughter now.

But I can look myself in the mirror and say to myself "That was really weak of you you dumb a##hole. I like you anyway but don't be so weak and dumb again. You f#cking pr#ck!".  lol

I was creeping on mines instagram... im sick... all these attachments. The more i see her for who she is the sicker i become. I feel like im going to throw up.

I can see why you all talk about hating them after her cheating on me emotionally who knows how many times... a DAY and at least 4-5 times that i know of physically... then giving me a yeast infection right before our "break" then a successive bout of chlamydia after the recycle... im starting to really question if i should be so compassionate.

The biggest   was when she got a photo texted to her early on in the relationship of a "friend" naked... with his c*ck hanging out! Of course i questioned her and was gaslighted into a story bout how it was an "joke" and the guys friend sent it drunk... well hardy ___ing har... and yet still fell for it hook line in sinker as those innocent eyes stared up at me. JEZEBEL.HARLOT.DELILAH.SIREN.SUCCUBUS.HARPIE!

... I feel a little better after letting that out. Still wanting to vomit though.  

Holy crap.  Yeah all of this sounds all too familiar.  Almost the exact same situation has happened to me... yet when i tried talking about it with her... instead of her giving me an excuse, she would just shut me up by making out with me forcingly.

Same with the instagram thing too... I notice she mirrors popular ppl on instagram.  Even to go as far as changing her instagram name to the SAME thing as theirs (with 1 letter changed so its approved).  And taking the same pictures as them.  This is creepy as hell.  So creepy.

Oh man... Yeah mine did a similar thing except it was after i had started to suspect that she was cheating on me with a new "friend" at AA/NA meetings i asked her to go... he was her "sponsor". (nice right?) Needless to say i stated to question her as she came into my room when i got home and she immediatly forced herself on me and started undressing... i was like... um no! I actually did reject her. And im proud of myself. Then she started saying how i "didnt find her attractive" and "was a bad boyfriend". Needless to say she of course won out making me forget the conversation i wanted to have by guilting me into having sex to "show her i loved her". *sigh* 

Yea as for the instagram thing mine does that too she literally just liked this photo of this guy she used to work with that she and i quote "always crushed on". Its the final fantasy online and she hates anime and video games(ridiculed me for both and constantly hassled me about it when i tried to enjoy either). Her reasoning is "id be attracted to the big breasted women"... What the heck... their cartoons and video games. Needless to say i know it has to do with her self image issues as she wasnt much there in the cup department(not that i cared). Always obsessing about getting breast implants even after me constantly telling her shes perfect the way she is... it was relentless. 

The parallels are creepy though.

I've also wondered about the cheating thing... .mine was with his ex when he met me (he told me she was his roomate), and I guess I was going to be his next supply, BUT... .as he made the move away from the ex and towards me, I dumped him (I was totally unaware of what was going on but I saw waayyyy too many red flags)... .that threw him into a major crisis and he basically went on a sex binge in front of our only mutual friend (made sure it got back to me). Then a month later he's in a relationships with someone new.  When we recycled, same thing... .I didn't answer his booty call one night, so guess what, he lets me know he got himself another booty call instead.  People are objects for them.

You know how you kind of get an ego boost when you're with someone, albeit a temporary ego boost, but it can help make you feel better about yourself for a bit? Well, they need that 100x more than we do... .why? Because they're so empty, and try to fill themselves with sex like they would a drug and the more of it you have, the less effective it is... .so you need more, and more, and more... .until you are complete and total empty shell of a human being sleeping with anything and anyone that might flatter your ego, even for a SECOND.  There can be some pwBPD who don't go down the "sex is a drug" path... .but there are many who do.

I'm pretty sure you told me this one time on another post but... you sure you werent dating my ex?

My ex obsessed over getting breast implants as theres... nothing there really.  And now to impress someone she cares about (ive told you this before), she faking loving disney, football, sports, etc and she doesnt even KNOW the rules of football and she thinks disneys for Pedophiles.



I suppose this answers my question of when I asked "why" the most :/.  I really do not get how they can not feel ANY remorse or empathy when they hurt us.  I even just had an uncle pass away and she was just like, "Well that sucks"  but for her it was like... BUT MY DAD IS SICK WHAT IF HE DIES WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, MY LIFE SUCKS SO MUCH!"

It was basically all about HER...

WOW! freedom33. You really spelt it out.

Wow... My ex always obsessed with the fact that her parents are going to die as her mom has cancer and her dad is an alcoholic who rides his harley drunk and is in a gang.(pretty sure hes killed people.) But yeah similarly my uncle died not too long ago when we were dating and she wouldnt even talk to me about it and made me go to the funeral alone. Yet our recycle revolved around how "i promised her that id be there if her parents were dying"... she went as far to fake that her mom was going into remission and her mom is so sick she played along... the rotten apple doesnt fall from the decaying tree i suppose.

Youre right Algae it is ALL about them.

Needless to say im convinced our exs may in fact be evil twins. lol   

Sounds you had a rough time buddy. I am sorry to hear about your troubles.


Would you have said that to a good friend of yours if he had been through the same?

It was a rough ride. I'm only one of many here. As are you.

You ask a a very good question and it's made me consider things. No I wouldn't use those words to a friend but the sentiment would be the same with a few additions. As I am the closest person to me I afford myself sterner words. They come from care and self preservation, not self loathing.

This tone of language you used is similar to the one I used to use Hollande.

I have recently found out that it is positive reinforcement what works best and negative reinforcement should be only be extended when there is an important issue and in a productive (i.e. that gives one options to make things right) and not in a stern harsh way that sentences one in a guilt hole. Positive reinforcement instills a sense of optimism and empowers one to proactively deal with the issues at hand. When I was growing up there was noly negative reinforcement in my household. While on one hand if you did something bad there were consequences to pay, if you did something good, it didnt matter. No one noticed. I think being used to negative reinforcement was another hook with the BPD. No good deed was acknowledged by her or even worse left unpunished. On the other and every minor mistake was punished with a pound of flesh.

I have made a promise to myself to take care of myself and treat me as good and as kind as my caretakers failed to treat me (due to ignorance and their own issues). Also with the BPD I have taken parenting lessons that no doubt will prove useful when I find the right woman to have children with. And all my effort will hopefully help to change a bit the intergenerational traumas that was passed down to me whe I am dealing with my children.

I don't see how owning up to myself for my mistake is a bad thing. I don't believe in caning myself over past mistakes either but f#cking up on a grand scale is hardly a cause for rewards or celebrations.

I can see what you are saying freedom33. I believe that I had met my ex due to my FOO issues and the lack of boundaries. After having gone through the pain of the break and recognizing the reason why I had enmeshed with her, I chose to be a positive role model for my kids and I would hope that they mirror that.

I could have chosen to keep engaging with my ex but my kids had seen enough of that when we were together and I didn't want to put them through that again. I chose to take a different, healthier path. I chose to put up boundaries and to work towards a goal of becoming indifferent to my exe's behaviors and work on my triggers.

I understand having anger towards our exes, these are painful life experiences. What had hurt me the most was the lack of sympathy and closure from my ex. I was dealing with a confusing disorder and most healthy adults will give you closure. I had to give closure to myself and work through my anger. Anger can be a mask for pain as well.

I have a feeling my ex would need to have a photographic memory to keep track of all the exes, flings, etc. that she has trouble detaching from

Same.  My ex has bfs from the past... but ALL of them have hurt her or been abusive or been in prison and lie to her, and she always goes back to them as a backup.

You are one of those 'ALL of them' now. In her mind you have hurt her and abused her, lied to her (have you been in prison too?) and that's how you will be described to the new supply.

Nope.   Havent been to prison or even commited a crime.  The difference was they were 'bad boys'.  And I was new.  She dated them only for like 6 months at a time but dated me for 4 years becasue I was actually there for her at 3am with my phone in my pillow case if she was depressed... cutting and needed me... so I would come to help and calm her down, when nobody else did.  I also did super cheesy stuff to help her feel normal and accepted and special.  

Like one time for xmas I flew to a different state to go to a concert and have her favorite singer in a band she loves call her personally and talk to her.

And I do think this new replacement is a fake... all because they have nothing in common and she has to fake herself to get him to like her... when she never had to fake herself for me.  And im 100% sure she didnt fake herself because the things she was into were things she did before i even met her.

But now when she meets someone... she copies every hobby they do and music and etc.