BPDFamily.com

I don't mention my DH much in my posts about my DD because he is so negative and I really feel like I am going through this alone.  He is a step-father to my children, their Bio-father has been pretty much absent from their lives for about 12 years now.  Some background on my DH.  He can be very unforgiving when he decides someone has gone too far.  His sister had some problems as a teenager, running away with an older man, drugs etc.  He hasn't spoken to her in like 13-14 years, he has just completely cut her out of his life and he acts like she no longer exists.  She has completely turned her life around as is a a successful career woman, married and settled down but it doesn't matter to him.

Flash to my oldest daughter.  Pregnant at 16, another child at 18 a third at 20.  Problems with drugs and alcohol, running away from home, truancy, lying, stealing.  We actually ended up with the 2 boys because the state took them away from her due to all the domestic violence between her and her bf and the drug  and alcohol abuse.  The baby girl is only a month old so we shall see about her.  Anyway, he has cut that daughter off, forbids her being in the house, wants nothing to do with her etc.  Just like his sister. 

Now I'm afraid he's moving in that direction with BPD DD15 and I just can't deal with anymore.  I'm so upset.  He is so uneducated about mental illness and is so freaking judgmental.  He sees her behaviors as her being a brat and acting out.  And I know some of them are, she IS a teenager, BUT she does have an illness.  He has zero tolerance for anything.  And he just wants her to go to residential.  I tried to tell him even if she does she has to come home sometime.  He says I need to stick to my word because I told her "the next time you are unsafe you are going to residential".  It's NOT a punishment, it's treatment.  It's not me giving her a time out or something, it's me trying to get her some help.

I'm a mother.  I love my girls.  I'm never going to turn my back on them and cut them off.  Not like he does.  Tough love yes, that's one thing, but I will never cut them out of my life completely, I will always be their mother.  I don't know if my marriage will survive this. 

If you read a lot of my posts you'll see this is mirroring my situation.  Switch your DH sister with my DH's brother.  He's brother is not a mess but there's a lot of bad blood and they don't talk.

There’s a huge balancing act we're trying to create that seem impossible and not in a good way.

I'm learning to listen to something my DH says about my DD.  DH thinks he's Dr. Phil.  Soo lacking the education and loads of miss-information. If I listen him when we're not angry and trying to kick the other one to the curb, he can pick up things I'm blind with.  Doesn't mean he's right in handling it.  That' we're still working on.

I'm so with you my daughter I'm not abandoning what so ever.  My husband on the other side just doesn't want me running in and saving the day and being an ATM and taxi service.  He will not tolereate her walking into the house taking over and cause a disruption.He thinks part of the problem is I don't let her clean up her own mess and deal with the consequences of her decisions.

What point is he stressing ask him if he reacting to what dd is doing or how are you reacting.  My DH has more of a problem with my reactions then the stupidity of what dd does.  He just scratches his head she does anticipate things falling apart.

I hope that helps.

I tried very hard to keep my family together-to be the bridge between my BPD son who is now 23 and my husband and my three other children. I spent years refereeing, defending and enabling my son because I just didn't see that he treated me totally differently to the way he treated my husband and my eldest son. He literally drove my husband who is the nicest most patient guy in the world to depression PTSD and almost broke him.

It wasn't until my son really tried to break up my marriage and I told him quite clearly that I would always support his father that I saw the other side of my son. I became the enemy, the one who had to be brought down, the one he terrorized and the one who felt she was going to have heart failure through sheer fear.

So here's my thought for you. Before you make any decisions either way, try and persuade your husband to go to counseling with you. Try and listen to his side of the story as well. I'm not saying he is right and I'm totally aware that everything you are doing is out of love, but having been in that impossible situation, I tried to take a step back and see it another way.

Currently, my son is in a safe place, had found a job and is living rent free in an apartment we pay for with one of his brothers but he broke off all contact with me for 'siding' with his father. So all those years of 150% of my love etc didn't mean much to him after all.

Please take care of yourself as well as your children and remember you deserve support and a life too. :)