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I just realized it's been a year since I even had any good Times with my ex.  I havnt seen her sick April but still a year and I'm not over this.  I've improved a lot but it's like that lost child in her is a part of my soul now.  I remember when she dusregulated so bad it lasted over a week and the lost terrified child surfaced totally and completely and was totally honest felt all the repressed emotions of her entire life so intensely of pure dread.

I was so worried about her.  I promised that part of her the deepest promises I ever made in my life.  The bond I formed in that moment has changed my life and she doesn't even remember.  This is how I know there is a good person inside them I've seem it and the amount of torment when the disorder comes to inform them of how things will be. She referred to  the disorder as a "he". I could see the shift in her eyes like she was encountering an entity before her and I could only hear her side of the conversation. She begged and pleaded.

Hi Blimblam. I'm sorry for the pain you feel. I've read a lot of your posts and get the feeling that you have not managed to move on even a little. This person treated you so badly... .do you really think that you have bonded with her soul? If that were the case would she not reciprocate? I'm 7 months NC, I felt some of what you are going through in the first few weeks of NC especially because I knew she had started a sexual relationship with someone I knew. It didn't take long before I accepted that she was gone and that I didn't want someone like that back. I seen them both together at a funeral last week and did to feel a thing, not anger nor hate and especially not love for her... .

If you could, would you go back to the nitemare?

I couldn't I had chances but my body said no like I would get physically ill.

I've actually improved a lot.  I had a relationship that lasted 2 years with a borderline about 10 years ago now. In those two year I sensed their was this person under the surface if they would just come out.  In my last ex that person came out and I saw the reality of her pain.  That character lives inside her mind and the disorder is like a whole other entity that holds that lost child captive. 

I don't have to call it my soul.  The bond i made in that moment was so far down to my absolute core of my being like it imprinted at my absolute core with the earliest memories of my mother kind of stuff.

This break up also hit me at least 5 times harder than my first break up with a pwBPD which was my first love. 

But last 2 days I've began to feel a bit better again.  I got a good 10 hours of meditation of a really deep quality.

I hope you get there man I really do. I know how it felt at first and I was like you describe. I guess I'm lucky that don't care about her illness just the horrible sick stuff she did to ruin the relationship. I don't care about this inner child stuff I just accept she's a nasty piece of work.

I can understand that.  I see a great tragedy that I can feel churning inside me.

Thank you. I hope your healing gets better too

Same here near 10 months since I have been painted black. We will see what will happen. Patience is everything.

I understand why you were so worried about her.  Do you still worry about her?   

I feel compassion for my ex, because I know that he isn't well.  I forgive him.  That's the healthiest way for me to move forward.  For a while, during my healing, I felt as though I was straddling a fence.  Now there's a clear distinction between what's mine to work on, and the events that I experienced during the r/s.  In my mind, I've slid his stuff away from me, and am focused on my own issues.  The relationship facilitated my getting on the path I'd long avoided.  I was drawn into the relationship for a reason. 

While the relationship itself wasn't a positive experience, I want something positive to emerge from those experiences.  I wish to learn and benefit from it.  I deserve that. 

You deserve that too. 

Blimblam - How are you? I wish you the best.

You are one of the great people in this community, your posts are helping a lot of people. You have been suffering, like many of us, and I hope your pain will go away.

If you have improved anything at all last year (even tho you haven't reached the "finish line" that means one thing, that time slowly heals you, and that you will one day be yourself again :)

Thank you all.

I am not really worries about her it's just the bond I made to the person underneath the disorder is transforming me. 

I don't know it's just not easy.  And the time frame for healing.

yes. Its not easy at all... .

It has been +- 3 months for me, and i still have huge problems with the way i look at my own life and future, like nothing in the world matters and i can honestly say i don't think life is worth living right now. + i miss the fantasy i was in. I can only rely on time, and reading, and posting, and I hope I will one day look back and think its GOOD that I'm not with my ex anymore, and my life is actually BETTER now than when i was in the rs.

I hope you do okey, and remember we are all here for each other :)

Amen to Northlight. Blim--you are turning your learning through suffering into a positive for so many of us here; I'm just sorry you're hurting. I am nearly two months of NC via his silent treatment, and I continue to writhe in pain unlike almost anything I've experienced. I think the trauma bond was VERY strong between us, and I spent a year helping him in more ways than I can describe. It seemed that progress was being made and then I suppose the intimacy really kicked in, and it seems he has left me forever. Ultimately, it always was going to happen, but tonight, that makes it no less painful. As you wrote words this morning that heartened and encouraged, WE BELIEVE IN YOU!