BPDFamily.com

Hello all. First, I have only posted on this site a few times, as I was in the beginning stage of finding some options regarding my violent husband of a year, recently diagnosed with BPD (along with Narcissism, Alcoholism and Bipolar traits). Three weeks ago, he (albeit voluntarily) was admitted into a treatment center for a 28-day stay. I have to say, the last three weeks have been awkward, but I have also taken immediate and urgent steps to ensure my own program and care.

I joined Al-Anon and have attended two meetings each week. I have a sponsor. I am taking an anti-anxiety med to take the edge off. I attend yoga  four or five times a week, where I focus on getting fit and also on relaxation. I have also rearranged our home, finally "moving in" after a full year of marriage. (My son (11) and I have been living out of boxes since my husband did not want to give up his personal space in our four bedroom home. He had one room for reading, one for guests and one in which he had his clothes and he used for dressing). Since he has been gone, I have rearranged everything so that this house is a home, with room for everyone's things. No longer a shrine to my husband. Admittedly, I have some sarcasm here. I apologize for that, but I am being true to my feelings in stating it.

In this forum, I see a constant message of "should I leave or go." Well, I cannot make that decision for you, but I can only share my own experiences with this nasty disease.  For me (disclaimer), had I known what I was 'in for,' I would have never committed to this type of life. I had no idea the depth of the madness in which I was living, until he was- unexpectedly- yanked out of the middle of it. The differences in my home are palatable.

In this treatment center, he wasn't given access to a phone for nine glorious days, and even now, he is only allowed three, twenty minute supervised sessions to call me and anyone else he would like to reach. His "reach" has been shortened to almost nil and I have found the break to be enjoyable.

Do I miss him? At times, yes. Most of the time, no. In the last year, I have been called names and words that used to make me flinch. Today, because of frequency of use, I don't even bat an eye. Is this how I want to think of myself or allow someone to refer to me in front of my son? Hardly not. I have all the holes in walls and broken doorknobs repaired. My dogs are no longer cowering under the bed. My son and I hold hands and giggle about silly things, about nothing.

None of this could happen while my husband is in the throws of BPD and alcoholism.

What happens at the end of the 28 days? Well, it was recommended that he remain a minimum of 90 days, to which he does not want to stay. I say nothing, nor do I share my opinion on this matter. I just know I will continue to work MY program and should things change my circumstances, I will do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of my son and myself.

So, should you stay? Should you leave? I cannot answer that for you, but whatever you do, I would make sure you do it with the support of a strong and healthy program behind you. I wish you all the best of luck.