BPDFamily.com

Struggling these days--some of you know my story. This is the uncut version: I met guy online; good chemistry; met for the first time and    needy, eager to please but brilliant and "sparkly." Soon after, I went to a conference; he called and texted incessantly (embarrassingly), but somehow it felt good to have someone crushing on me so much (I am not a spring chicken; he is 5 years younger). I return from conference; go on 2nd date and that's when the trauma/drama starts: he tearfully and trembling tells me of a nightmare story where he is victimized by family and friends and even legal counsel, and he is living in a halfway house. He can't bear playing this charade with me; he had to let me know! (It's us against the world).  :light: He knew I had worked in "the system"; can I help him? This is a lot to lay on a girl on the second date  . Cue the music--first kiss, and the rescuer in me tells him everything will be ok; I don't judge. I will help him!  

Third meeting, I go by his work where he begins making requests for errand running--after all, he can't deviate between work and the halfway house. I comply with all requests--almost feeling a thrill. Fourth meeting: takes me out in an SUV which he says he wants to buy; would I lend him money?    I evidently insulted him by using a two-letter word: NO. I drive off and was determined never to see him again. HE WAS PLAYING ME! I couldn't believe I fell for it, but he left his "legal" binder in the back of my car. :light:

Days passed; I would not return his calls or texts, and I began to feel bad about leaving with no explanation. He had me hooked that quickly! I called to say I needed to return his binder to him: a rationalization to see him once more and attempt to explain why the request for money to buy a car was offensive, scary, and wouldn't be tolerated. Wow--the old me actually had some boundaries. From his apartment, he walked out to my car like a wounded animal: truly, the abandoned child (or a damn good con artist)? I told him I needed to talk to him, and I went into his apartment, and (cue lights). I fell in love. But what/who did I fall in love with? The excitement? The intrigue? The seeming innocence? No one understood him but me.    

Even though the r/s lasted a year, all you need to know happened in those first few meetings. It didn't take long at all before the intense jealousy, possessiveness, control, and ongoing NEED for money continued. Little by little, he broke through the boundaries until I found him indiscriminately using my credit cards and emotionally extorting me for money. By now, he was living in a nice apartment and had multiple good jobs which were subsequently lost. He is very highly compensated.

When I really pressed him to pay me back--and I mean consistently stayed after him; he would slowly but surely pay me back--which he called "helping" me.    Several times, he would tell me how good it made him feel to "help" me. And he did help in other ways. I was supporting him nearly 100%, along with supporting my three kids, and he "helped" doing handy man and tech/information tasks. He always said he didn't want to work because he knew I would "hook up" with my business partner during the day while he was working.    He made frequent, unannounced and uninvited visits to my office and work and family- related functions.    

He is fired from another job, presumably because a "key informant" called his work and alerted them to his legal record. Evictions and support orders and welfare and disability applications follow along with my urging that he go back to work. It was the holidays, so he was putting ever increasing demands on my finances. With A LOT OF DRAMA, I begged to go see my brother ALONE; days after I left town, I began receiving fraud alerts from credit card companies--HE WAS SPENDING $$$thousands on a credit card I had left him to buy gas, as he had driven me all the way to the airport. I erupted at him over the phone, and as always he said, "I'll pay you back." When I returned home and looked at my statements, I saw that he had paid all of his expenses with my cards. After increasing arguments and discussion with counsel, I was told to call law enforcement to report what amounted to grand theft with no ability or assurances that he would pay. I made the first of two police reports that included unlawful entry into my home.

Somehow, that storm blew over, as he continued to make promises to pay me back. All the while, he tortures me daily (and nightly) about my amicable r/s with my ex husband and business partner. Ranting and raving for no reason. He did make a few payments. I'm told this is like the con game, "Three Card Monty," where a con artist continues to pay you back until THE BIG CON. My first ST was when I desperately needed repayment in May when one of my children ran into legal trouble. ExbfBPD had concurrently bought not one but two cars, and he was in BIG TROUBLE--and risk of violating probation. He had gone to prison for financial fraud.  

So relieved that ST had been lifted, he caught me at a weak point and began robbing Peter to pay Paul (I would be Peter). He eventually paid off a car loan using one of my credit cards. When confronted, he swore on his grandmother's grave and on his children's lives to pay me. He never did. Instead, he went ST and abandoned me. With legal counsel, I was advised to make claims on all his unauthorized spending. I have spent the past few weeks doing so... .knowing that I will never hear from him again  :'(

WHY AM I FEELING GUILTY? It was so hard to execute the advice of counsel--I procrastinated for 6 weeks; reached out to exbfBPD in text and even showed up at his apartment where I begged him to "help me, help him" stay out of legal trouble and do the right thing. He makes 500% more income than I, but he CHOSE to let me bounce checks and go overdue on payments while he lavished himself and his children with gifts and theme parks and vacations, etc.

So why am I feeling so bad? Why did he just go ST and not at least try to negotiate with me?

His last words to me were, "I'll pay you your f'in money!" He didn't, and I have myself and my children to take care of. I'm afraid he's in a lot of trouble now: legally, financially, mental health wise.

DO I STAY NC? I've reached out to his mother and his closest friend who basically told me I'm on my own.

Now I reach out to my BPD FAMILY. Help! What would you do?

First off LOHL im really sorry to hear youre in such a pressing position. My heart truly goes out to you in this time. Its hard to be the bad guy especially when youve given so many chances... especially to one love. But as you said you need to do whats best for you. Period. Hes being excuse my language a total and complete j*ckass for not even taking this seriously. But unfortunately the disorder gives them such grandiosity that they feel "owed" the money they take from us much like a child with entitlement issues. Afterall were just an "extension" of them what ours is theirs... but dont you dare touch their asset's!

I really do understand granite on a less severe level but i too am owed quite a bit of money by my exBPD. I bought her a car that she "promised" to pay me back for but ive yet to see a dime. I gave up asking a long time ago. I know ill never see that money again as shes probably spending it on drugs, new bfs, and herself as she loves to binge shop. Couldnt save a d*mn penny to save her life. On top of it got into an accident and all but totaled the frame and axis of the car costing alot. Well my parents at the time wanted to help out and knowing she didnt have much money opened a credit card for the auto repair shop. My ex "promised" them shed make payments yet everytime i approached her had a new excuse. Gave up on that one as well. Unfortunately the cars title is her name.(stupid me i know) So theres no legal recourse to go about getting my money back and the credit line is in my parents name so the same goes since theres no legal documentation stating her return of payments. Basically she used all of us. I also purchased a 3 month lease with my parents name and me co signing. My ex also "promised" yet again to help make payments just didnt wanna be stuck on a lease   . Well needless to say conveniently needed a "break" as soon as i got the place. Oh and i had a mental breakdown from all the stress of making payments on my own and the break-up and lost my job all in the process of her cheating on me and discarding me. Luckily my parents helped me with payments but needless to say im broke and jobless. She took everything and left me a shell.

So IMO since you have the vantage of legal evidence in your case to proceed forward theres no question in my mind you should go after him in court. He needs to learn just like everyone else in this world his actions have consequences. Id have already taken my ex to court if i couldve. For the simple reason that they dont respect us. At all. Then further disrespects you by flaunting his money with frivolously spending it instead of paying you back. In my book justice needs to be served. Throw away your guilt and realize that the worlds best manipulator has played you like a marionette. And is so sadistic that hes probably laughing at how he think you wont do anything because your under his thumb. PROVE HIM WRONG!  |iiii

Chasing Ghosts--unbelievable. Thank you so much. And I cannot tell you how sorry I am about your situation--it does sound quite familiar. God bless you for taking the time to respond to my lengthy plea. Spot on. Again, I'm very sorry for our plight, but know we will get through this.

Its not a problem. I'm glad that i can help you and in helping it helps me too. Sharing our situations and relating lets us grow and in turn get one step closer to healing. Well get through this indeed!