BPDFamily.com

Morning Friends 

I'm loving and appreciating being part of this online community.  So many of you have given me invaluable advice and insight and I think that I have truly taken the first steps towards healing from the childhood abuse and trauma.

This morning there's something on my mind and I'd like to ask for advice, insight and opinions.  Are you too sensitive because of BPD/NPD parents?  A former therapist referred to this quality I have as "exquisite sensitivity."  I've also read in books about childhood emotional abuse that people that deal with this develop "hypervigilance."

I am finding lately that so many things are hurting my feelings.  Isn't that silly?  I'm a 45-year old woman, but I have the fragile skin of a 3 year old.  I dealt with so many disappointments, insults, put downs, criticisms and humiliations as a child because of the abandonment of my biological father, my mother's uBPD and my stepfather's NPD and emotional availability.  Now, I find that I'm so sensitive to everything.

For example, about 15 minutes ago, I resigned from my position as recording secretary for a prestigious board of directors.  Why?  Because the president of the board sent around an email supporting a new project from a man who I know is a sexist, mysogynistic person that I've always found personally offensive.  It's not clear whether or not the board president truly knows about the man or just forwarded it because it was related to the work the organization does.  It could've just been an FYI. 

However, I made my objections clear and asked for more of an explanation and response, but didn't get one.  So, I tendered my resignation.  I've only been on their board for a month.  It is the kind of board where I could make contacts to help my career, but it's also a board that has a very high rate of people that are constantly looking for ways to promote themselves, rather than support the goals of the organization and I've always found this distastefully arrogant. (it reminds me of my own parents arrogance and ambitions).  The reason I agreed to join the board is because an 88-yr old woman who has been a friend and supporter of mine asked me to.  But, I just don't like most of the other board members involved, and I don't support a lot of the work being done by a new director they appointed.  So, it wasn't just the email, it was other things.

Lately, though, I have found myself "resigning" from many things - jobs, friendships, groups and clubs because I'm always hurt or offended.  In this way, I definitely can see how my mother's uBPD/NPD has affected my own way of dealing with the world.  My mother's motto could very well be, "nobody appreciates me."  I can see how I've inherited that distorted thinking.

Does anyone else grapple with this kind of sensitivity?  Have you tried any kind of medication and does it help?  Can you recommend anything that might help me develop a tougher skin? 

Sometimes, I wonder, too, if my "sensitivity" is not really low self-esteem driving me to make self-destructive decisions.  Will I regret resigning from this board that could've helped my career?  Or, perhaps it's time for me to start looking for a new profession?  The one I'm in has a lot of narcissistic personality types, which makes sense because of my parents.  I've never really felt fulfilled in what I do and wonder if I chose my profession more out of a sense of what's familiar (though dysfunctional), rather than what will bring me both personal and professional fulfillment.

Well, OK, those are my musings for the morning.  Hope everyone has a great day!   

I just want to update this post that the ED and vice president both wrote me these beautiful and supportive notes asking me to reconsider, so I said yes that I'd stay.  So, I guess, despite what my Queen Witch uBPDm mother taught me, there are some good people in the world that care about others.  I'm glad they will put up with crazy me, too, because I am not in the best place right now and finding myself sensitive to everything and everbody.  So, I asked them to be patient with me and to help me keep my load light.  (I was able to explain about my father's both having cancer and my aunt dying this year, rather than anything about living with my uBPDm, which is something I don't share outside of 12 step rooms because other than those of us that have had a mom like this, nobody understands in my experience)

I believe it is a common trait amoung children of BPD, to be "too sensative". I've been occasionaly accussed, but my sister is very much that way. She was the lost child, and I the scapegoat. So it was obvious I was being picked on, but less so with sis. My BPD mom would often accuse her of being too sensative, when she got upset about something my BPDm said. Where as use to confront my BPD more, so she would use the excuss "that's not what I meant."

i think it is related to low self esteem.  It is my opinion that medications are not going to help.  One way to help build self esteem is to work on boundaries.  Boundaries are not just for keeping others out, they are about knowing where we end as well.  As children of BPDs we learned to care for others and to neglect ourselves, but we also learned to internalize other people stuff.  I am a lot less sensitive than I was years ago.  When I was a kid all you had to do was look at me and I would cry.  Later on as I got older that changed (thank God) but I had buttons on top of my buttons and it took very little to hurt or offend me.  :)eveloping boundaries and working on empowering myself made a world of difference.  I am now somewhat sensitive but it is generally not an issue except when I am feeling very vulnerable and I am worn down.

Hope that helps.  You might want to google "the four agreement" or go to this link: www.toltecspirit.com/  Number 2 and 3 come into play with the

my stuff//your stuff issues.

Thank you HappyChappy for your comment   

Thank you Harri for remind me about "The Four Agreements," one of my favorite books ever!   

I hope this year and the new insights about BPD will help me grow a thicker skin and improve my self esteem so that I can finally stop getting out of my own way.