BPDFamily.com

Here's mine. Enjoy. (Honestly, it feels like I could be reading any of yours). He sounds so sad to me, but it also reeks of manipulation.

I have fought the urge to text you all day. I miss you so much. I am so lost without you. Life seems so pointless after having been in your light, now everything seems darker than ever before.

But, you said something to me yesterday and it is easily the biggest head popping out of my ass moments, when I said I wish I was there next to you and you responded "if you were here you would be yelling at me!" I have thought about that all day and it's true. I have wanted to ask you "what do I need to do to get back into your arms again?" But I kept stopping myself, because I know you don't have an answer. I was going to say I will stop drinking, I will exercise, I will seek therapy... .but we both know how unstable I am and now for the first time, I understand how you can't trust me to be around you and your kids and rightfully so.

I am beside myself with guilt and flooded with memories and yearnings for you and what we once had. I miss you so much. I am a zombie. I am so lost. I don't know how to be friends with you as it hurts so much to be in contact, but I want my best friend back. At the same time, even right now, I see how f'd up I am, you have taught me to see how selfish I am and how I don't have a clue about you or your felings.

But I am so afraid to ask how you are or how you ae doing. I can't imagine the struggles you are having to deal with or the financial burden. I don't want to hear or know, this shouldn't be happening, this is not what I wanted.

I am so sorry. I don't know how to make things right. Time is the only thing I can think of. I am going to have to find a way to be worth a damn and not angry and hostile if I am ever to be back in your arms. That's my path to walk. I hope you will be at the end of my journey.

Thank you for sharing the letter.  I am sure it dredges up feelings for you, like these letters tend to do.

What is your emotional response?  How are YOU doing?

That's a killer. I've received similar messages from my ex, who is in intensive court-mandated therapy. I'm starting to receive these kinds of communications and it breaks my heart, but I also know I'm being manipulated into feeling for her, keeping her in my life, all of that.

How is all of this sitting with you?

I don't know how I am doing. On the one hand, I am grateful for the calm that is in my house now. On the other, I feel empty, even though I cry a lot. I have been recycled a million times but this time it feels different, like I am really not going back there. I don't believe him anymore and that changes everything. I know to go back would be to go back to more of the same and that simply isn't an option. I'm trying to look at myself, to figure it all out, how and why and what's wrong with me. I wonder sometimes if I am the one with BPD. I wonder if I liked the drama, the chaos, the excitement. I know I loved the idealization and to an extent, his obsession. I think I was just as obsessed, possibly more so. And I am trying to figure out what that says about me.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. Every day is a struggle.