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So I'm all on an endorphin high at the moment from taking a run this morning, but actually I think the high is less about the endorphins and more about the fact that by getting myself out of bed and outside, I faced a fear and worked passed it. I grew up with a (mostly) Hermit BPDm (with some Witch and NPD tendencies) and I lived and breathed fear for pretty much the majority of my life. Only now that I'm accepting the BPD and the abuse I suffered at it's hands do I realize how much of my life has been stunted by fear; how many experiences I missed out on because of BPDm. I want to share some of my fears, and I want to ask you guys to share some of yours. Here are just a few that are circling around in my head this morning:

• Out of college, I wanted to travel and backpack through Europe. I was so thirsty for the world and finding myself in it. I didn't do it because BPDm gave me a lovely rundown of all the things that would go wrong and told me I was too weak to handle them.



• In highschool, I wanted to join the tennis team so badly (and the track team, and the swim team). BPDm told me I'd hurt myself if I did sports because I was clumsy (an absolute negation of my abilities as I have always been very athletic) and refused to pay for any of the costs of the team.



• I am scared of being outside alone when it's dark, even in neighborhoods I know to be safe. This has prevented me from going out on many nights with friends. It has also prevented me from running in the early mornings before dawn, even though that's something I've been wanting to do for ages.



• I am afraid to start friendships because in the back of my mind I hear BPDm's voice telling me that the friend is just going to screw me over.



• I am afraid to be myself when I meet  anyone for the first time.

This morning, I overcame one of those fears. I got up in the pre-dawn light and went for a run. Alone (well, with my dog :)), in the dark. I am fortunate to live in a really safe area where such an activity is possible, but of course I didn' trust that until I experienced it for myself. It wasn't until this morning when I experienced the quiet of the morning that I realized  my fear of the dark wasn't my own; that it was BPDm's. It felt really good to let that fear go.

Have you guys overcome any of your fears lately? Are there any you've been wanting to tackle but haven't worked up the muster to?

Hi gentlestg, and happy day to you!

Congrats on overcoming your fear of running in the early morning!  Overcoming fears is so hard to do.  I am starting to realize the my fears are sometimes hidden by other stuff that makes them harder to identify so I keep trying to dig away.

But anyway, I realized this morning that I have conquered a huge fear.  I had a procedure done this morning, nothing painful or anything like that, but when I have had to have it twice in the past, I was overwhelmed by anxiety (worse the first time) and had to focus everything I had on allowing the doctors to do what they had to do.  Today was the third time I had to have that area worked on and I was fine.  As a matter of fact, I did not experience more than just a feeling of annoyance of having to have this thing done.

That was huge for me!  And it lets me know that the more I challenge my fears, the easier it gets.

so thanks for asking the question!  Do you plan to go for another morning run tomorrow?   |iiii

Hi gentlestgaurdian  

Yes, absolutely.  My life has also been governed by many fears that are the result of my mom's uBPD and my stepfather's NPD.  Essentially, my mother taught me that all people are "players" and to "trust nobody." So, you can imagine the world view I have to fight in my head just to have any kind of life.  My fears manifested themselves through a binge eating disorder and I became overweight by the time I was 18.  I wasn't a fat kid.  My stepfather came into the picture when I was 10 and it was shortly after that when I began binging to try and satisfy the longing for an emotional connection and intimacy my parents just couldn't provide.

Being overweight and uncomfortable with my body always kept me from doing so many things I wanted to do with my life, including travel.  It got worse 7 year ago when I developed and was treated for thyroid cancer and lost my thyroid.  I'm now battling a 100+ weight gain.  So, as you can likely image, I don't have much of a social life due to fears and insecurities.

So, yes, my uBPDm installed many fears both by the messages she gave me about the world and also through her terrifying raging.  These fears manifest themselves differently in all of us through maladaptive behaviors that are a direct response.

I am working very hard to overcome the fears and the fat.  I recently lost 35 pounds and have been going to the gym.  So, I can also relate to the elation that comes after a really great workout.  I hope as the weight comes off for me that I can engage in new activities that will expand my horizons - travel, golf, raquetball, sex (oh yes, I really did just say that ha ha  lol  )

Thanks, Harri! Happy day to you too! :)

Congrats on overcoming your fear! Going to the doctor gives me all kinds of anxiety, so I get it. But I think you're very right about challenging our fears. I do think I'll be going on a morning run tomorrow :D.

Hi, GentlestGaurdian (love your name!)

Congrats on conquering your fear, and thanks for starting this lovely and positive thread!

I am currently in the process of overcoming my fear of driving.  This is a very profound and long-standing fear for me.  When I was 7-8, my mother and stepfather were each involved in separate car accidents that resulted in neck/upper back surgeries.  I am terrified of driving and being involved in a serious car accident that will send me to the operating room.  But I have decided to work through the fear and get my license because I'm tired of limited transportation mobility, tired of depending on others for rides, and my mother is having vision and cognitive impairments that will probably result in me having to take the keys soon.  This fear of mine is as deep as the ocean and as high as Mt. Everest, so when I pull it off, I'm gonna feel like a conqueror, and like there's nothing I can't do!

(And woe unto me if I wreck the damned car -- my mother and I co-own it, and can you all believe she crawls into it every day and tells it that it's beautiful and she loves it?  She even has a picture of the car on the stereo!)

Oh my yes, I so get the fear thing.  I recently took a few steps to work toward NC with my mother.  Panic attacks, heart pounding, shortness of breath.  The whole thing.  What I found is that, the sun did come up, I made it through the week.  :).

I am delighted for you that you found the strength to move when fear can be so paralyzing.  Sending you warm wishes for a brilliant sunny day

When I decided to go NC with my BPDm, I thought the world was going to implode on itself. I spent the following two weeks waiting for her to show up at my home and do something crazy. But nothing happened (thank goodness) in those two weeks, and the world does continue to go on, doesn't it lol? It just absolutely blows my mind that NC is even possible; that I can allow myself this peace and comfort. Thank you for your warm wishes, Yogi :).

How right was Winston Churchill was he said  "There is nothing to fear but fear itself"  I often wonder how much time I have wasted recently fearing and waiting for the other shoe to drop.   

SomerledDottir good for you on learning to drive!  That is huge and should really help you move along in terms of your future plans!  How exciting!  About 15 years ago a friend of mine finally overcame her fear of driving and once she got her license she was never home.  She actually crossed state lines once just to buy groceries!  LOL  Even tho I do not know you, I am imagining you driving that car like a pro!  Keep us posted on your progress please.   :)

Yogi said: 
That quote took on a whole new meaning for me once I realized that I have been using many of my fears to keep myself limited and defeated.  So not too long ago I added a signature line here as a reminder to myself to keep pushing myself beyond my fears.  I have been allowing my fears to limit me and keep me mired down... .in other words, for me, my fears have become self defeating behaviors that just keep me a victim, and that in turn just increases my self loathing.

GentlestG... .how goes the early morning runs with the pooch?   

For me too. I can justify my way out of any behavior that challenges my fears, but I'm finally seeing that doing so has kept me from having so many experiences! That's why I'm pushing myself to face my fears, and to figure out if they're really mine or BPDm's. Running in the mornings with my dog has been going well. I've been forcing myself out even though I'm still experiencing some strong paranoia about someone lurking in the shadows and jumping out at me while I run. I am not proud to say that this has made me avoid a few areas or run in a different direction, but I am committed to working through it.

Harri, are you willing to share any other fears that are bogging you down? No pressure :).

That's a good insight to face both logically and emotionally. The early morning running sounds great! It must be so peaceful and also liberating, and you have your puppy companion  

I realized over many years that I also had some of my mom's fears. I was a nomad, going from place to place, never feeling like I could put down roots. I even was a mini-hoarder  

My fear of not being good enough for anyone to love is something I processed over the years, and made an effort in my mid 30s to find someone. I ended up with my uBPDx, and thus I am here. I still did it though, after a decade and a half of being pretty much a hermit. I pushed myself to get over my social anxiety as well. My mom never had a boyfriend or male companion through my whole childhood, only getting married when I was 25, and that was to a friend who had a stroke. He couldn't be sexual, thus he was "safe." Being a nurse, she did the right thing for her friend and took care of him, probably prolonging his life by 5 years because he was wasting away in the brief time he was in the convalescent home.

Recently? I'm not sure I can count any fears I have left. Oh yes, the original one: that I'm not good enough for anybody; anybody who's not a waif to be rescued that is.

I also have not exactly a fear, but an uncomfortable feeling of socializing. I'm thus pushing myself to make friends and hang out with some families at church. I'm going back to attending the men's group every other week, because I quit going after my Ex moved out. Hermit mode. It calls to me. Turkmit.  :)

The kids keep me socially engaged, but I think I am concerned that it is about them, not me. I'm pushing myself for their sake rather than my own. Caretaker. I still have this retirement fantasy of buying acreage in a rural forest area out of state, in a cabin surrounded by government land (no neighbors), with me and a hybrid wolf companion. Crazy ol'e Turk!

Hi again Gentlestg! I am happy to hear you have continued with the early morning run and are still committed to overcoming the fears.   |iiii  As for this:
I don't think there is anything to not feel proud about.  You are doing it!

I have so many fears it is hard to list them.  One I will share that sort of goes along with your fear of things lurking in the shadows is that I am afraid of monsters under my bed right now.  Yeah.  Recently I started working on some tougher issues at a deeper level than I have before and lots of fears and poor coping skills have come back along with some flashbacks (although those have all but stopped thankfully).  So this week, I am working on forcing myself to stand beside the bed to arrange pillows etc and get into bed like an adult, rather than leaping into my bed like a kid and then arranging things.   :)  Yeah... .the things one will share on an anonymous message board!   *)  The good news is that while I still feel scared, it has lessened and I am no longer holding in whimpers!  I have continued to sleep with a light on in my living room but I have now switched to using a lamp with a lower wattage bulb.  Yes, really, that is an improvement from a couple of weeks ago. 

I realize now that re-occurence of old fears should be a signal to me that something is off rather than waiting until it is so out of hand.  The funny thing is, when I came here, I thought I *had* listened to the signals... .turns out I did not hear the faint warning dings that proceeded the bells.  So I am happy I heard the bells, but i now know I have to listen for the fainter dings... .   

Another one is that I am much better at receiving complements.  It has been a struggle as it used to hurt to hear good things about me.  It has improved over the last few years, though I have made strides in improving my response.  The other day, a friend sent me a message and mentioned a few things about me... .they were nice, complementary, and I had no urge to run or prove him wrong.  I even felt good about it and was like "wow really?  yeah!".  I still have issues with it and do not like to have attention placed on me but even with that I have gotten better just by posting here. 

About the fears being my mothers or mine; well, I can see where some are shared and yeah, I most likely absorbed a few of hers (thank you projective identification!) but I don't spend a whole lot of time wondering about it.  Maybe I just want to distance myself from her as much as I can?  I don't know. 

So anyhoo, here's to us for pushing beyond our fears and comfort zones!   |iiii

Turkish -- What if you turned this fear on it's head and asked yourself instead who is good enough for you?


I totally used to do this when I lived alone (as an adult ). It never occurred to me at the time but reading this now, I wonder, exactly what are/were we afraid is lurking underneath the bed? I'm thinking our psyches aren't trying to be literal with "monsters under the bed" with this one. Do our psyche's perceive there are monsters lurking within us or around us?

Good on you for wrestling with your fears, Harri! And thank you for your encouraging words and spirit!

That sounds like what my T said to me, "find someone who matches you next time: emotionally, spiritually, your age, and physically."

It's hard to think like that without feeling like a narcissist. I do see your point, Dr. gentlestguardian.

I too used to be scared of the dark, terrified of it. I think it is an old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where I remember he was under his blankets with a monster snorkel for air while the monsters cricled his bed. I used to just give myself a little airway, and no exposed skin.

I was mostly cured of that when I was 12 and my mom moved us to the forest with no electricity. Without a moon, it was only starlight, and under the trees pitch black. Shock therapy